You know I read recently a article for parents of suggestions of going to a new school. There were lots of good advice in there, being familiar with the school, knowing the teacher, tons of stuff I had no inkling of.

Like you I grew up in a dysfunctional home.  My first day of school was indeed full of fear.  My mother and father couldn't cope with much.  Anything outside of the house filled them with fear and paranoia.  My mother could barely dress us and feed us breakfast, let alone enquire about what we did all day.  I felt lost, sad and isolated at school which was pretty much how I felt at home.

Going to therapy helped me a great deal. Being in groups with other people who understood helped a lot too.  I went through a long period of grieving.  I think what grieves me now is what it cost me in terms of my emotional development. There is no question I would not have chosen an alcoholic if I had a semblance of a chance at growing up in a healthy environment.

The good news for me is that I now have people around me who care, who want the best for me.  I met them in al anon.  I cant make up for the childhood I didn't have or the adulthood that took so many wrong turns.  But I can be grateful for the life I have now.  I can move slowly through the grief that certainly comes up for me daily.  I can take steps to make my life better because I can't change the past (although I can grieve it).

I once met a psychiatrist who told me that for children who grow up in a dysfunctional, abusive environment there is only one comparison.  Many of our peers are dead (by suicide and other means), hopelessly addicted ( I know many who won't consider recovery under any circumstances) and physically ill (all that trauma and stress takes a toll on someone).  I have to remind myself of that when I am making comparisons to others.  I really should not be here on so many levels.  I sat in the car/truck with the ex A when he drove recklessly at 90 miles per hour plus.  I have been ill at death's door at least three times maybe four ( I lost count).  I argued so much with the ex A, either one of us could have struck out by accident and killed one another.  I had no self esteem and did not know how to protect myself on so many levels.    I have no idea how I am still here because I certainly didn't take care of myself physically, emotionally or spiritually most of my life and I still struggle with it.

Nevertheless I am here and everyday I am grateful for the chance to grow beyond what was my childhood, adulthood and past expectations. Today I am happy (not something that comes very naturally to me) and for me that is indeed a huge achievement.

Maresie.

This is a majorly great post for me...Yay!!  we survived it!!  Yesterday I sat with a buncha guys at a PTSD group meeting...most all if not all vietnam vets and some inquired and I told them I wasn't in vietnam but I did cry thru all of a presentation some vietnam vets did in one of my college classes and they called me out after the presentation and asked me "where do you come from?" meaning what was it like for me as a child and I told them some of it and they all confirmed, "You have PTSD".   I would have like to make the 2:30 PM VA/PTSD group this afternoon at the VA Center and decided not to maybe later.  The majority of the guys yesterday were drinking...I cannot afford that atmosphere...because my PTSD is tied to the disease and I'm not willing to be so risky.  Some of the stuff I went thru at a young age was that I was born left handed and my grandmother and my mother converted me to right hand because of religious beliefs which included strapping my left hand to my side. I was bullied in early school years and punished if I protected myself.  I was also treated badly by the Nuns who taught the early school years and embarassed without justification.  Being raised in a family that was so deeply alcoholic didn't help at all including the death of my natural father when I was six. At six I was already expert at justifications which shielded me from feelings completely which was safe much of the time because I was often ridiculed or punished for attempting to express mine.

Maresie I loved your expression...I identify.  Usedtobe...thanks for the courage to express the feelings you can...good or bad...celebrate them.   ((((hugs))))