Please go to a face to face alanon meeting .. whatever he's going through he needs to deal with. Abuse of any kind is never ok. It is NOT ok for him to "vent on you" to feel better. Where does that leave you? How do you feel after a venting session? Being supportive and being someone's verbal punching bag is a very different take. Many people have gotten help from a book called Getting Them Sober .. Emotional sobriety is different than physical sobriety, people can be physically sober and never get to be emotionally sober. Once again whatever is or is not going on with him .. please go to a face to face meeting for you! You are worth it.

Hugs P :)

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm soooo happy that he is sober, and we had a great year from it. But now it's like I can't do anything right.

At one of my first AlAnon meetings an older, more experienced AlAnon said to me to "quit playing ball". She said when the ball is thrown to me to let it fall and don't throw it back. Huh? (I thought). And then I learned the "oh, so, and go method". Again, "Huh?" I learned that when they get nit-picking, or taking my inventory, or just being in a bad mood and I am in the room that I can leave the room. They can throw me a comment and I can just let that comment fall to the floor. I don't have to defend myself. I don't have to respond. I don't have to make communication with some insane remark. I don't have to pretend that his language even makes sense to me. I don't have to play ball. And I can first say, "Oh?". And then when he comments more I can say "So......." and then I can go out the door. Be vague with your comments and then Get out of there.

JD, get to a meeting for sure. While I read here that some people can simply walk away from their alcoholics when they are behaving badly, mine never allowed that tactic. He would follow me, continue to engage me and just got angrier and angrier. I began detaching in the ways I could, mostly in my own head, when the rants would start I would mentally go somewhere else more pleasant in my head. My AH was angry all the time, sober or drunk, he is just a sad negative angry person, now he has a diagnosis of being bi-polar too. It would be easy for me to blame his behavior on the alcohol or the mental illness, but I know in my heart when he was screaming at me, saying hurtful things and behaving badly that he knew what he was doing, I believe it felt better to him to do those things vs. dealing with them, mine also lied and hid more things than I can list here. Everyone here and at meetings would tell me that I would know when I had had enough, they were right, I have had enough and now I'm willing to do what it takes to walk away from him. It will be messy, he will make sure of that, but he can no longer control me, it feels good.

Your journey is your own, do things in your own time at your own pace. Stay with him if you want, leave him if you want, realize you have choices. Get to a f2f meeting, it's a good start. Good luck, we all know exactly what you are going through. Hugs and prayers. ts

 

This afternoon while at work I remet one of the guys I had in my group as a Alternatives to Violence Mens' Case Manager (loooong title huh?).  He was checking into the hotel to spend a quiet weekend with his wife and youngest children...He and she now have 6 children and he was holding and kissing one of the young ones when he spotted me.  He got a huge smile on his face and we shook hands and embraced and I asked him how are you doing now?  I didn't have to ask really cause he was happy and at peace and so different than the man who was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive in so many ways when we met.  He was court ordered to me and he came and sat and did the work and then I left the profession.  I am so grateful for the work and the outcome.  There is never a justification for the abuse and violence on any level.  There are so many alternatives to just "taking it" on the part of the woman.  Detachment?...yes on what ever level works for you which causes him to be with his own pain and sickness.  Getting you to carry his angst is irresponsible considering that he considers himself in control.  He's not in control...he's powerless and unmanagable.  Marrying an abusers is not signing on as a victim.  There is no special clause that says now that we are married you get to pound on me in various ways.  You get to never pound on me because you love and respect me.  You get to go get help for yourself and leave me alone.  That is some of the language we spoke in ATV. 

"Punching Bag" ...brings up very bad memories from prior to recovery...I apologize to an person who has been a victim of someone elses uncontrolled anger and rage, especially females.  I am so sorry this is/has happened to you.   In support (((((hugs)))))

I hear he is sober but my question is, is he working a program? Many people believe that if their loved one just stops drinking or drugging then everything should be ok. It's not. Unless they are working a program that teaches them to change their dysfunctional thinking and actions then you are living with a dry drunk. He may not be drinking but he hasn't functional or acceptable coping skills to use.
Please do get yourself to Alanon meetings for you not for him.
If you are a verbal punching bag that is unacceptable. It's abuse, and abusive behavior just like addictive behavior is a progressive disease. The more it is allowed to continue the worse it will get, so please always have a Plan B if you ever feel you are in danger.
Keep posting and let us know how things are going
Blessings