The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is one issue that I have always suffered with. I was not taught to develop these boundaries so growing up I had none. Now the people around me get uncomfortable when I establish them.For an example o have been fighting with my girlfriend for the last couple of days over the fact that I do not feel that I should have to disclose everything about my past to her. She feels that I do.I have told her that maybe at a later time when I deal with it on my own, with my sponsor through my program I may feel differently. For now her only choice is to respect that boundary or leave me.I am terrified that she will in fact leave, but if it happens then it is Gods ill and not mine.I believe that I have a right to have my past stay in my past until I am ready to deal with it.I do not feel that I should have to disclose things I am uncomfortable talking about. She says she deserves unabridged honesty which I supply every step of the way, but with this I feel I have the right to keep private things private until I have dealt with them within myself. I am proud of the fact that i can set a boundary and stick to it. If that means i lose my girlfriend then maybe it was not meant to be afterall.
I learned in recovery that I had no "rights" to anything and what I did have was abilities and I learned to use them cause I had em. I have the ability to set up boundaries for what ever justification that makes sense to me and I do. "Rights" sounded to me like there was some law created somewhere and time that allowed me to use my abilities and then I discovered that there were no laws. I was speaking with a sponsee yesterday about a similar thing and offered this person that it wasn't so much what I thought I had to do but how I did it. What I do is important to me and I want to do it in a way that fits my value system of being loving, kind, caring, compassionate and empathetic. Mean what you say and don't say it mean is how some put it in program. If someone doesn't respect your boundaries..."Oh well"!! now what are they gonna do? To thine own self be true Ladybug...be true to the bug!! Yay!! ((((hugs))))
I agree with your line of thought unless it's something that you are morally obligated to disclose. If you are living with her and her kids and you have a history of molesting children (I highly doubt this is the case and I'm just using an example)....that is an instance in which your argument doesn't really fly. There are a few things that we are obligated to tell others about our pasts if we are to have them intimately involved in our lives.
Generally speaking, I understand where you are coming from and your girlfriend is not the person to do your 5th step with before doing it with your sponsor. Just remember though, 12 step program practice rigorous honesty so your goal is to get to that point in your most meaningful relationships. Also, when you set that as the tone of your relationship, don't be shocked when you get blindsided by finding out things about her she never told you cuz you told her loud and clear you were not going to share your past. It goes both ways.
We have a right to choose what and to whom we want to disclose things about ourselves. People have things that they consider to be deal breakers when considering another person for a relationship. For me, those things come up early in order to know if it's worth it to even pursue a partnership. It might just be human nature to become more curious about a person as you become more invested but our past is our business concerning anything before meeting the person who is asking for answers. It's mine to keep or share. My experience has been to first visit with the god of my understanding, then reason things out with my sponsor. I think you're mature and generous to not close the door concerning the possibility of discussing things from your past with your girlfriend someday. In my humble opinion as another Alanoner, that is a healthy boundary of respecting yourself and considering her interest in knowing you more. It's YOUR past so I believe it's YOUR right to choose the terms. I open up more to people who don't pressure me for information. You're right... this may or may not be the relationship for you. Sometimes our hp puts situations in front of us. Is there maybe a lesson to be learned here about yourself, about your current girlfriend? I've done some pro and con lists to inventory relationships, my role in them and my pay off was. The ones that showed my motive to be lopsided were a concern. In those relationships whether they were romances or friendship, I was falling in love with someone's potential yet I was all potential myself and not self actualized. Funny thing... we talk about alcoholics being grandiose! Meanwhile, my judgement was skewed and based on an idea of what I thought was an acceptable person to spend time with instead of a having a healthy curiousity and risking to know new personalities and ways of living. I didn't trust myself or have faith that I would be able to take care of myself in unfamiliar situations. I needed all the information right away to create that false sense of security that i would then be able to keep myself safe. When someone didn't tell me about themself, I turned the projector on and there was FEAR - false evidence appearing real. It was all negative stuff. Without recovery, I wouldn't have been able to break that cycle. Trusting in a higher power has done that for me. From that trust came trust in myself. I can let my relationships evolve naturally today and trust that each day I learn a little more about who I am, who others are, who we are with one another and my higher power's plan for me. I don't need all the answers today. When my relationships don't feel desperate or forced, I know it's my higher power leading and not self will. I'll never know everything there is to know about the people closest to me. Some of these things are only mean't for themself and their higher power. I have those things too. That's ok! I know that if I continue honoring myself with self love, hp will continue to give me the tools to decide who to share my life and memories with. Thanks for sharing about boundaries. It's such a great topic! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Everything that everyone has said has been so helpful! We are going to take some steps back since we live together. She is going to stay with a friend for a few weeks and go from there. I can't predict the future so i'm giving it up to my HP and letting it go from there!
