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I just don't know what I should or should'nt be doing. My A son stays in his room for days on end. I know he is depressed. I know he is an addict/alcoholic and needs help. I know I'm enabling him allowing him to live here, he is 26, doesn't work because of all the "side effects" of alcohol and drug use. I found this site and have been reading all the suggested books, have been to several f2f meetings and have been changing my ways, as suggested in books and on here. I stopped answering his phone calls because they always were for me to take him here or there or do this or that. He has stopped calling. Ok, I changed and in turn he changed. I have stopped stocking the fridge as he contributes nothing to the household.
My plan was to start making changes and let my HP take over and I would know what to do when it was time. Well nothing happens because he just holes up in his room. I know he comes out when my hubby and I are asleep or at work. Today I was home all day except for about 45 minutes when I went to the store and he hasn't come out at all???? Should I be trying to get him out? Should I be checking on him? Try getting him to talk????
I know depression is part of the sickness, his sickness, but it seems like I'm just doing nothing???? Is this helping him?
You're doing fine Neesabean also you're doing everything. He's doing something, he's camping out and hiding. What can you do? Speak to him? you can speak to him about how the situation makes YOU feel and what you've been trying to do about it...just for you. Make "I" statements and leave finger pointing "you" statements; if you have any left over, in the box. You may also set up the protocol for your home a protocol like if Jerry F was just hanging out at your place and using your provisions and graciousness and maybe drinking and using also. I know you wouldn't let me do that, might as well make it the protocol of the house. Make the protocols or Boundaries enforcable or don't make them at all. Set dates and live one day at a time until the date comes up and then if he has become a part of the family process and is being supportive of the protocols then next.... Part of the protocols should be that he attend to a program that ends his using and drinking on your property...you wouldn't let Jerry F do that so no one gets to do that (irresponsible behavior). Keep it simple and easy to understand and enforceable and go on with your life.
Remember to Let go and Let.......God. ((((hugs))))
You stated you know that you are enabling him. You also stated that you've been reading all suggested books. My question would then be why keep enabling him? I know it hurts and it's hugely anxiety provoking to let go of your own child, but he's not gonna hit bottom unless it gets really uncomfortable for him. Alcoholism is a disease of "playing victim." I have depression also and in my drinking days I used that as an excuse to not function and to keep drinking. I only got better when I had to live on my own and function as an adult in the world.
That is not a guarantee that he won't screw up on his own, but he will definitely stay sick under your roof even though it would seem like you are protecting him and helping.
In all my experience in AA, in these cases with adult addict/alcoholic children living with their parents, the only ones I have seen get sober and stay sober are ones that went to rehab and then halfway. Getting sober is a painful growing up process and it cannot happen while in the role of a child.
That's my take. You might look at rehab/halfway as taking his choices away - it's really giving him a choice because right now, he isn't choosing to do a darn thing right?
{{{{{Extra Big Hug}}}}} because you and I are walking the same path with our sons.
My son did not make it to his meeting yesterday - his work load was tremendous - it was a great day tho. One of his clients (Real Estate Investor) buys, rehab & resales real estate & they love my sons work - he (to my surprise) shared with them what he has been going thru and they were very supportive of his efforts - so much so that they are throwing more work his way.
When he came home, after the long, hard day he said he was really craving a beer - I said how about a milkshake instead?? So we made milkshakes, watched a little TV then he fell to sleep -- sober.
I'm going to pass along to you what someone told me the other night. My attorney's husband is an alcoholic in recovery, has stayed sober twenty years. He works now with families of alcoholics- not the alcoholics themselves. I was so upset when I saw my lawyer at the things AH was saying about me (I'm being mean, vindictive, etc for having kicked him out of our home and gotten a restraining order to prevent him from being able to return). She asked her husband to call me later that night. What he told me was that if I had allowed my husband to come home and resume what he had been doing- getting drunk every single night- then I would be helping to kill him. He said as difficult as tough love can be, it is the only way to really save their lives. You have to make them see just how difficult their lives will become if they decide to make alcohol/drugs the number one priority. My AH is living with his mother, who has dementia, and his sister, her husband, and their son. He doesn't get along at all with his brother in law, who is also an alcoholic. His sister sticks up for her husband at all costs. His nephew is 19 years old and doing nothing at all but sitting on the computer all day playing Warcraft. AH has no money, no job, no credit. Can't do anything, not even really drive anywhere because he can't afford gas. He is very angry with me right now and blaming me for everything, including the fact that he can't go to rehab (he's on my health insurance still, so it would be paid for). That is the hardest thing in the world for me to hear.
I still love the man I married more than anything. He loved and cherished me more than anyone else ever had. I'm the product of divorce/remarriage/blended families, so I grew up feeling like nobody really wanted me that much. To suddenly have someone in my life who cared for and nurtured me the way he did made me so happy. And now that person is gone and been replaced by a bitter alcoholic who lies, manipulates, and steals from me. My point in telling you this is because I know how difficult it will be to take the tough love approach with your own child. It probably doesn't begin to compare to how difficult it has been having to do it with my husband. You brought this child into the world, and as his mother, your primary goal has always been to nurture and care for him. But you have to keep your eye on what is best in the long term versus how bad it will make you feel right now. Your approach of allowing your son to live with you, have no responsibilities, and continue to drink and drug himself all day could end up doing far more damage over time than making him leave and figure out how he will support himself and his habit on his own. I know it will be extremely difficult and there will be a lot more heartache before it gets better. I'm in the heartache stage right now, so I can assure you of this. But I feel like if I am going to truly try to help save my AH's life, he has to be miserable enough to want to save himself. Does that make sense? I hope so. Good luck.
Thanks for the share. That's basically where I am with my A son - when I had him removed from our home several days ago and he had to walk 6hrs to get back home after being released from the drunk tank, I felt bad for the horrendous pain he had in his legs but I also knew that he needed an up-close & personal look at where his life is headed if he continues to lay up drunk in my home - that consequence being homeless and on foot full time.
Practicing Touch Love is painful but ya know, it brought me a considerable amt of peace knowing I was doing the right thing. What my son experiences today is nothing compared to what he will experience if he continue down a drunken path - my vision remains on the long-term.
@Pinkchip....I would love nothing more for him to get into Rehab......he doesn't think he has a problem becuse he can "not drinK', of course when he's not drinking he is using something else????? Duh! I thought he was ready about a month go, but ended up opting for counseling which only lasted for about 3 sessions. I wasn't keen on counseling for this exact reason however, it was better than nothing at the time.
@Path-"Practicing Touch Love is painful but ya know, it brought me a considerable amt of peace knowing I was doing the right thing. What my son experiences today is nothing compared to what he will experience if he continue down a drunken path - my vision remains on the long-term."
I will definately keep reminding myself of this...this is nothing compared to what COULD be if he doesn't stop. Thanks for the perspective and I will be thinking about you and your journey....wishing you the best...Thank you!
Thank you everyone for you input. What I read and learn on this board is giving me a foundation of strength for when I am ready to make major changes and commit to staying tuff and strong...in making changes for the better. I am not emotionally ready......like that time will ever come...right?....but I am getting closer.
Going to rehab might seem like a better option when he literally has nowhere else to go. He might also think he doesn't have a problem but it's the job of rehab to try an crack him and help him realize he does. Even somewhat unwilling trips to rehab plant some kind of seed. Gotta start somewhere. A ton of folks come into AA court ordered and then stick around. It's not always folks that come in already in full acceptance.
