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A few of the members here PM'ed me about wanting to know about my follow up appointment with the marriage therapist. He still thinks I should put behavioral requests upon AH but he also admitted that it would probably backfire? UGH! Like that was helpful. He was also trying to get me to see how AH continuing to drink will pretty much mean our marriage is doomed(yes, he used this word). So, he does know that AH needs to quit drinking and I made it clear to him that I will NOT place any requests upon AH, like AA or rehab or counseling, etc. Anyway, it felt like we were at an impasse and a lot of that is ME. I just am not willing to draw the line in the sand and set that boundary. I keep moving the line when it gets crossed and then get angry at myself and at the transgressor for doing so.
Also, AH has all of a sudden gotten really nice. I sent him an email to tell him that I won't be telling him to go to AA and I explained my follow up meeting with the therapist. I told him he's a grown man and he can make his own choices and that I'm not his mother nor his babysitter.
So, he sent me an email back professing his love for me and for our son. He said he knows he's made a mess of things especially this past year and that he's willing to do what it takes to make things right. I'm not sure he really understands what that kind of commitment entails, though, but it was nice of him to actually make the effort. He said that we need to talk in person along with counseling but he said he understood how I probably don't trust him enough to open up to him, and he's 100% right. I have no desire to talk with him without a third party around because he is so hurtful and blaming and difficult to communicate with so I shut down or fall apart. I don't have enough Al Anon program going right now to be able to handle his personality right now and at least he understands that.
I have no idea if this is all him blowing smoke and pulling the whole, "please don't leave me, I'll do anything" alcoholic plea or if it's for real. I guess only time will tell, right? Yet, I am so afraid to open up to him and I fear that he might get frustrated at how long it may take me to trust again, let alone feel comfortable enough around him to say exactly what I feel without fear(fear of his comebacks, sarcasm, rude comments, anger, blame, verbal abuse, etc). So, I'll just keep taking things one day at a time!
Thanks for the update, ILD. I know it sounds strange considering I am no longer married but my experience with marriage counseling was a success. It was an important part of my road to health and serenity.
I agree that the marriage counseling can be a success even if the marriage ends. There's only so long that anyone can put up with being on that merry-go-round, and the counseling will help you realize when you have had enough or help you learn to accept and live with your husband's problem. My story is similar to yours, except I did give the ultimatums (AA, rehab, etc) but then kept failing to follow through with them. Now I have gotten to the point where I feel like I have had no choice but to remove him from our lives. It wasn't so much for me as it was that I recognized how detrimental it was for our children to continue to be around their father and his chronic state of intoxication. Not only that, but I realized that I was neglecting them because I was so busy trying to control what my husband did. The counseling helped me see that, and that's how I knew it was time to leave. It's not easy. In fact, it's pretty miserable, even more so than just tolerating his drinking was because at least I did have a few hours of the day where he was sober. Now that he realizes I'm finally serious about following through with the divorce, etc. he has gotten pretty ugly and that's very hard for me to take. However, it's the fact that I know that there is an end in sight that I am having to keep looking towards, and this is where the counseling continues to help. Good luck to you on your journey.
I was thinking the same thing ILD .. marriage counseling was a success because I got what I needed out of it. I won't say it was a success as far as putting my marriage back together because it didn't. I find you have to have two willing parties and it just can't be lip service. There needs to be follow through, mutual respect, a willingness to move forward, both parties wanting something more from the relationship and many other things. I could not get those things from my STBAX .. it is what it is .. however the cousenling did lead me to findi what was and was not ok for me in a relationship and on that level I started taking care of me and I became a priority. To which I fall off my own emotional sobriety wagon and constantly have to have the message drummed into me of keep the focus on me. It really doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do .. fill in the blank .. drink, drug, lie and so on. It has taken me FOREVER to figure out what it even means to keep the focus on ME. When I'm not caught in my own spin of what he is or isn't doing .. life truly is so much easier, happier. I'm so much less stressed and I'm so much more at peace. I want that more and more now.
For me being so tied financially to him and then with the kids it creates a lot of issues for me on that level, I mean of fear, anger, frustration and truthfully my counselor finally said .. umm .. hellooooo in there .. lol .. and if you know what's the going to change?? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! That is my final answer to that burning question now .. I can sit and spin (do you remember those toys as a kid?) get dizzy and sick as hell and feel miserable afterwards .. OR .. I can allow my HP (whome I choose to call God) come in and open wonderful opportunities in my life that I would have missed because I was so tied up in him. What can I say .. I'm hard headed I'm not stupid .. and I also have to remind myself where I was a year ago and I am better than I was .. LOL. I told her I had another dark fantasy .. thanks to FB .. lol .. there was a post about if someone is in your dreams it means they are thinking about you. Or something like that .. lol .. anyway, I made the comment .. well what does it mean if you are chasing them around the yard with a chainsaw? It tells me I have a LONG ways to go :)
Sooooo .. it takes time.
Hugs my friend, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
