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Two nights ago my sister went to rehab. While my niece and I are enjoying the peace and quiet, we aren't too optomistic. We've been through this twice before and we're all too aware of the dangers of getting our hopes up. My Dad's the one who convinced her to go and he lectured me on the importance of showing support and encouragement. Of course that makes sense, but it's easier said than done. I've come to despise my sister. My question is, how in the world do I get over myself and offer support and encouragment to someone I've wished dead a thousand times over? How do I make it genuine? I honestly don't know if I have it in me.
I'm getting to be in the same situation with my boyfriend. He hasn't been into rehab but has tried 3 times this year to get sober and each time the drinking has been getting worse. I love him with all my heart but like you I am finding it really hard to be encouraging and keeping up his spirits. I will tho because at the end of the day I have faith in him that things will eventually come good. I suppose at the end of the day we have to keep in mind the positive attributes they have to offer when they are sober and keep reminding them and ourselves of that?? I hope that makes sense and helps a little? (I'm new to all this so forgive me if I sound way off the mark ..).
Hope it all come good for you and your sister and be strong :) xx
That's a tough one Max, and ultimately only you can answer it....
Here's my two bits....
As long as there is life, there is hope..... If she is trying, REALLY trying, then it makes sense to treat her as such, and try not to judge her for past transgressions - look at her from this day forward, etc.... I agree - easier said than done, but it is the only way... Honesty is a key - no point or value in bringing up the past, so keep your encouragement simple and to the point "I wish you well", etc.
What about for you - what are you doing to help YOU with what you have gone through? Al-Anon is a choice of recovery for US - the people who live with or are associated with alcoholics/addicts..... This would be an excellent place to start, as there is no doubt that her drinking (and all associated behaviors) have, indeed, affected you....
A great book to read is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.
Hope that helps
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You don't owe it to her to support her. Let her earn it through actually recovering. That's my take. It would be another story if she was sober a year and really working an AA program and you still hated her and couldn't be supportive of her recovery. At that point she should do the steps and come to you to make amends. It's not your job to be supportive before she even really does any work. The work really begins AFTER rehab. Her getting sober and staying sober after rehab is not contingent upon you being her cheerleader.
Of course "despite and hate" are awfully strong words. It's not healthy to live with that kind of resentment, even if it's justified. For that, I would check out alanon....but that would be for YOU not her.
Aloha Max...Sounds like you are in the "R" condition "Resentment" or the "DR" condition..."Deep Resentment"...hows that working out for you. (passing on a question that was asked of me when I was in the "DR" condition). If you don't like the feelings that come with the R and DR condtion then practice the opposite conditions and get the opposite feelings...positive ones. Al-Anon Family Group meetins have already been suggested and from my experiences that is gold cause I took the suggestions and followed thru and as I've been there I learned and practiced the opposites of R and DR...You have to be willing to practice the opposites and to learn from others how is the world its done. The opposites of Resentment and Deep Resentments are...Empathy (having feelings for the sick person)...compassion (feeling the feelings with the sick person...know how to feel very sick from a disease and powerless over not feeling it)...and The F word...Forgiveness. Forgive your sick sister and hold your alcoholic sister to being accountable for her recovery.
So how do you do it? go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number and if you don't get connected to a live person listen to the recording of when and where we get together in your area and get there also as quickly as you can. Keep coming back here too. (((((hugs)))))
For me, being supportive does not necessarily mean becoming someone's cheerleading squad.
Being supportive can look as simple as my choosing to bite my tongue if someone is frustrating me. It can look like not getting up in their grill at any tiny misstep.
For me, being supportive of an A goes hand-in-hand with practicing loving detachment.
I agree to an extent with pinkchip - your support is something that needs to be earned by the A, IF that support means stepping beyond loving detachment. You definitely don't "owe" anyone more than that.
What does loving detachment look like? It's unique for everyone and that's up to you to decide.
For me, I just ask myself how I would like to be treated.
Have you made it to any face-to-face Al-Anon meetings? I'd encourage you to try some. There's a lot of people out there who've lived through the same things as you and can relate. They can also help you with figuring out how you can safely relate with your sister so your sanity stays in tact.
Unfortunately, I live in small town Oklahoma and the closest meeting isn't close enough. The best I can do is go to my parents house and talk to my Dad. He's like Yoda. As wise and kind a man as I'll ever meet, but he doesn't live with an alcoholic. So his ability to relate is limited. It can get frustrating.
My sister asked me to visit her today and I reluctantly agreed. The first thing she does is hugs me. Then she talked about how grateful she is to me for taking care of her daughter all these years and trying to protect her from her crazy mother. We haven't exchanged a civil word in months. It was so awkward that I started to think I'm more comfortable with her when she's drunk and mad. I'm so confused.
That sounds sincere of her but again....it's normal to have lowered expectations because you don't know if this more rational, feeling, and sensitive version of her will stick around or if she will sabotage back into the drunken terror that you have grown accustomed to. She also has limited insight into how big a nightmare she created because she was the one that got to be drunk through the whole thing while the rest of your family stood by and watched it all unfold. She has to earn your trust through consistently changed behavior. It's okay to have some misgivings.
I started to feel a tiny bit of guilt. Just a microscopic amount for my lack of faith, but you're right. It's a mess she created and that's on her. I really appreciate all the feedback.
