The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Help I'm having such a hard time detaching i know he has decide on what he wants recovery or not. I have to get better but why can't I detach I hang on every thing he says and I'm driving myself insane if he wants to leave hell leave I can't stop it . I read my books go to meetings I'm just tired of my old attitude somedays I say maybe I would be better off if he left it wouldn't be in my face everyday but I love him.married 28 years am I insane ??? Doing the same things over and over with the same results I know I'm rambling but this board helps me I don't feel so alone god bless
Hugs, it's good you come here. Do you have a sponsor you can talk to either online or in real life? That can be such a help. Detaching is hard work, don't expect to be great at it overnight. I've been learning detachment for the past 5 years and I still have a ways to go!!
Pray, go for a walk, watch a movie, listen to music, go have coffee with a friend... my solution for everything in my life is to stay busy through it.
It is so difficult to seperate yourself. When we have been wired, trained and taught to move when they move. We are everything, anything, anyone, and all that is inbetween them and what choices they make. In within ourselves we have to break the cycle. We have to seperate ourselves from coddling (A's inner victim/child/etc). We cannot save them, frankily they do not want to be saved.
Keep coming back here, this place is amazing. It sheds so much light. It gets easier to accept, you start to realize you aren't alone. Keep talking, keep coming and do this for you:) Many HUGS across the way.
__________________
"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
I know for myself I had to separate the idea of "detaching" from the idea of "not caring for him". I've learned that if I choose to not engage or let the bad behavior affect me, it's not that I don't care about him. It's good self-care of me. It is sooo unnatural for me to think that way, and it is definitely not always easy. But the level of serenity I experience by staying out of his issues keeps telling me that I must be on the right track. If I was simply being mean or uncaring, I'd be feeling guilty (I'm pretty good at that), but I'm not. I'm learning to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. When I feel really stuck about trying to detach from something, I hand it over to HP...sometimes minute after minute after minute. Please, please, please let me stop thinking about xyz. Then I come here and read!
My wise old sponsor used to answer me that question (that I posed to him) "Am I insane?" with something along the lines of "Probably, but the good news is that it is temporary, and there is help available" :)
Living around active alcoholism DOES drive us around the bend, and the reality is - "untreated Al-Anonism" is very dangerous. Part of OUR program encourages us that we will indeed get better, and embrace the slogans/program/material, when we are truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired", and it also reminds us that WE can get better, regardless of what our A does or doesn't choose to do....
Once we learn to turn that focus/energy OFF of our A's, and onto the person we CAN do something about (ourselves), it starts clicking in....
Keep on keeping on - you're on the right track....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
