The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that Al-Anon is not a religious organization, but I understand that an aknowledgement of a higher power is central to working the program.
I do not want this to be a discussion of theological rights and wrongs.
I'm trying to understand how I can fit my uncertain perspective of a higher power into the program and I'm looking for feedback from others who have had similar feelings of discomfort. To that end, I have summarized my theological journey below in hope that there is someone who has been where I am and can tell me what they did about it. thanks for letting me share.
so I grew up in a religious family...Episcopalian, actually and very involved. My father, especially. In high school, I got breifly involved in the Jesus movement. I have never been able to embrace the evangelical perpsective, however. I continued to grow and search out my own sense of God. I traveled a lot with my work and met many people from many religious perspectives that seem to me to be "holy" people, and many from each of those religious perspectives that were total jerks. I lived 3 years in Israel where I decided that is the "unholy" land...drenched in blood and hatred...surely god deserted that place centuries ago in disgust. I left the Episcopal church in my 30's in a lot of pain and found a tentative home among Menonoites. Although, among them, I had to be careful about what I said--for fear that they would chastise me for my liberal perspective. Basically, I've never felt comfortable around church people. I'm not "just like them".
At this point in my life, I do not know what I believe about god. At many times, I think I dont' believe there is a god. then I remember that I believe in a creator and I believe in prayer. I have no idea how to reconcile my feeling that there's no god with those beliefs. I try not to think about it too hard. I do not know if there even is a way to reconcile it. I've been kinda ok with that up til now, but trying to get involved in Al Anon these last few weeks has been awkward. I keep reading posts from people who talk about how they give their problems up to their HP who has a plan for them and it's all ok. this just sounds nutty to me. I deffinately do not believe in a higher power that has a plan for me. I think the world is the way it is. there is evil in it, wars pestilence, disease...I have seen all these things first hand (I work in international development and have seen first hand the results of every conceivable kind of evil). I do not believe in a god that includes those things in their "plan". I just think those things are a result of nature and poor human choices. I think of the existance of a power...kinda like the force in Star Wars. It is a force. It doesn't have a plan for me and I don't have a "personal relationship" with it. It can be creative. It can be evil. I've certainly seen a lot of it's evil side. I have also seen a lot of it's good side...creative, loving and awesome.
but to me, the notion that there's a "someone" out there that is omnipotent watches over me as an individual and has a secret plan for my life is just nutty. If other people want to go that route, that's fine for them. If they can believe in that sort of thing and it works for them, great, I won't get in their way.
Surely there are others who have felt this way and can talk to me about how they have reconciled all this and worked the program successfully?
you are not alone with doubts about 'religion'. I thought the same, or asked the same questions when first reading about HP. I certainly have my issues with 'catholic church', which I don't want to deepen here any further, nor want to offend anyone...it's personal opinion and experience.
Just remember and reread the steps... I am also currently moving on after having worked on Step 2 and 3, so i had my time reflecting on this too...
'Higher Power of my understanding'...this doesn't have to connect to any of the world religions. 'of my understanding' means , i am free of choice, I decide What or who this HP is, that I can believe in. and you state yourself, you believe in a force...well there you go, that's you HP to trust. You determine or define the dimensions and the form and depth of belief. You are completely free from beliefs or rules or boundaries from past, existing teachings. I make it my own.
I can also tell you the form and shape my personal HP has (not to adopt this one, but just to share that it doesn't have to come as a parent of Jesus, or any of that other teachings), because I am and always have been spiritual, without being religious.I grew up in a catholic environment, but abandoned that direction quite early in childhood.
My personal HP is my own innate power, trust, that I'm connected to all things in this life. i am not functioning on my own only, I'm part of a system, universe. (that might sound like star wars indeed, lol, it's actually hard putting it into words) I like to think of my HP as my DREAMS, the inner force or voice that guides me , that tells me what is true and good vs what is insane and fake. It is the 'GOD' of all feelings to me, a clear vision, some call it 'guts' too. some philosophies help support my view of things and buddhism is one of them. And yes it takes me time to put in shape, in words, in conception. It's a practice, and it's a belief...a belief that a human being, besides all the madness and craziness has still some instincts of survival left somewhere. And if I learn to trust and face the truth and have courage to be my own self, I am guided to a healthy life, or at least i can live actively vs blindly through the challenges. My HP is related to 'emotional intelligence'.
just my view of this mistery, and it is an ongoing discovery, an evolving power. enjoy discovering yours.
Thanks for letting me share on this, I had so many initial doubts.
It's definetly a valid question, every question is!
I appreciate your clarity and honesty and can truly identify with your experiences and feelings. I grew up in a strict Irish Catholic family and my faith journey brought me to the doors of alanon angry as can be at a "God" I DID NOT BELIEVE IN.
Alanon gave me permission to believe in a "Power Greater than Myself" . What I found in the rooms of Alanon was a Power Greater than myself . For many years, my HP was the rooms of this fantastic program and the principles it embodies.
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Today I do have a God of my understanding and I Thank alanon for God and God for alanon
There was a recent thread about Higher Powers that I enjoyed and learned from titled ... defining 'higherpower' .... A link to it comes up using the search option on the heading bar with the board start button.
God as we understood him / her . what we believe or don't believe makes no difference in our program . I have always appreciated the freedom this program allows I can stay here wether I believe or not . I myself worked this program believing in nothing for along time - someone suggested to me that I use the Good Orderly Direction when thinking of a Higher Power . hope it helps . Louise
I Too had a Struggle with "God"... I Grew up Methodist by Forced face, and I didn't really care for the People or there actions so it made my belief be I just didn't Couldn't get it, and didn't want it! And this is Only My Experiance...
When i got to the Rooms, they said "Our God... Is but Only a Loving God"... and I Sat with that for a while, and still was a touch detached from the consept, but then I explained my confusion and I was told that "The Meetings" could be My God of Understanding till I Found one I Could relate too... I too am a Very Spiritual person, and before I came to the Walls of Al-Anon, My God of Understanding was My Grandma that had past when I was 13yrs old... I Knew my Love for her... i knew her Faith In ME, and I Always Felt her Presents when I Had Tough & Uneasy Choices to Make... I Still to this Day carry her and those I Love and have Past as My God of Understanding... Because she/they was someone that I Adored & Admired...
Al-Anon has given me so much, and has made my Spirituality really take on New Life... And the Face to Face meetings have been a great benifit, because I get to see & understand the paths others take, and I Learned its OK for me to Choose my Own, without judgement or Condemnation... What a Freeing Place to be...
I Am Very Grateful that you posted this, for i'm sure the Differances will continue to come to you, we only ask You KEEP COMING BACK... Keep Sharing... Because when you do! You don't just help yourself... You Very Much Help those that are Here, Learn and Move forward with their own journey... And YES... THANK YOU for Being so Honest!
Friends in Recovery... One Beautiful Day at a time...
I'm an atheist, been sober in AA for 22 years, alanon for a few. I don't believe in anything except time and luck (and luck is just good timing). I believe what I can see for myself, for example:
When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion. Abraham Lincoln
If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me. And most importantly, it works.
Good luck and don't give up on your search. It's your search and yours alone. You will find what YOU are looking for.
I really dont like to get into discussing religion.
I think most of you know that Im a practicing Buddhist , for 27 years and dont believe in a God or power that is outside of me. And Alanon still works for me.
I do believe that religion and science are connected. So there is still negative and positive in the atmosphere, I choose to connect onto the positive.
You dont have to believe in a God or a religion, you dont have to be spiritual, make kindness your religion. In any case everything boils down to YOU!! Your actions and your thoughts.
Im sure we all can find a place in ourselves thats of a higher condition, thats where my HP is. The higher part of myself, it works for me.
Some people use the Al-Anon group as their higher power, some people interpret G.O.D. as Good Orderly Direction.
As I see it, all you have to believe in is that there is something larger than our small concerns out there, something that has perspective, that wants the best for us. That could be something within you, something in the meeting room, or something out in the cosmos. People of all those beliefs have found benefits from Al-Anon. Try it for a while and see how it works.
Only one experience with a power greater than Jerry F and his fear...October 1989...it's 5:30 in the evening I'm down in the street with a broken ankle...had to drop my motorcycle and it turned out against me. Everything doesn't look in my favor and I'm going into shock and for some reason I say out loud "I'm afraid and going into shock" I get a definite response from something just beyond me I cannot see. "You're no longer hurting; you're healing". That tells me how wonderful a creation the human body is and I go with it. Lots of guys are coming to pick me out of the street because the next wave of traffic is about to decend the "S turn" hill I'm at the bottom of. I'm a loner and isolator and I'm going back into shock thru fear. The voice says "Let them take you, don't resist". I follow the suggestion and they get me to the curb and lay me head down face up which is uncomfortable. At this time the fire trucks and emergency groups decend with all the sirens and flashing lights and you know the scene and the paramedics are putting the BP cuff on my arm and taking my pulse and stuff and I'm getting afraid again and I think that out loud and the presences tells me "Use your Ki" and I laugh out loud and say to whom ever is attending me (HP???) "I didn't know you knew anything about the Maritial Arts". The KI is the person center, the core, in Hawaiian the Na`au and I had studied Judo - Jujitsu as a youngster. My Uncle was also the founder of Maritial Arts in the islands and so I laughed and went to my center...my piko...my navel and all tension and anxiety and fear and worry rush out of me from there. After intense questioning from the paramedics as to if I had hit my head in the accident and me responding three times that I had not the head paramedic told me "You've been in an accident and you ankle is broken and other than that there is nothing wrong with you". So I go to the hospital and met the surgeon who will do the surgery and we start the journey. Early in the morning I'm awaken by the nurses to take the prescribed morphine...I refuse cause there is no pain and I refuse until the surgeon comes in to the room in the morning. He is angry because I refused the medication and I tell him I am pain free. He tells me He doesn't understand what's happening, that he is a teaching surgeon at the local state college and he knows why he had to do the surgery. He holds up the xray of the night before and sure nuf the ankle is broken. He tells me that he knew why he had to put in the six pins and screws but that now he doesn't know why it was necessary and that there was something going on that was beyond his understanding and experience and he holds up the "after" xray that shows the six pins and screws and there is no break...no indication there had ever been a break. Hmmmmm he shakes his head and leaves shaking his head and the next person thru the door was the anesthesiologist who just happend to be a man I was sponoring in Al-Anon at the time. I had no idea he was a doctor. He starts to apologize profusely for the pain he caused in my throat and nose trying to insert the tubes to administer the anesthesia so they could put me out and do the surgery. "On the third attempt I was kneeling on your chest so that I wouldn't push you off of the surgery table. Your passages are very small". Yes they are I had radium treatment as a child to shrink them. I told him "there is no pain" and he left shaking his head also.
So does this describe a Higher Power? To me it does and the description goes beyond the impression I had of a Higher Power at that time. The consequences of this Higher Power were witnessed by others...many others with me witnessing with them. It needed to happen, it was happening, it happened and I only had to be present for it. I didn't cry out for God or pray for a miracle. I was honest and said I was afraid. I wasn't told to pray because I was afraid or hurt I was told not to fear, trust and let go...hmmmm right in line with the slogan...Let go and Let God and I didn't even have my mind on God. God is even when I don't have my mind on God. What I think of God, where God is, who God is and all that other stuff is not a qualification for Higher Power to attend to me. In other words I have found out that "God is".....in spite of me...God is and all I have to do is act as if and do the complete abandonment of my resistance to God...a God...that God...he, she, it, them whom ever.
There have been other "God" incidences for me...most often witnessed by others, my spouse, my sponsees, my family...God. I guess I must be so oppositional and defiant and resistant and reluctant that I need to have these incidences to remind me that I am not God. I don't have the power; in fact I am powerless. That brings me right back to the first part of the first step...."We admitted...."
thank you, EVERYBODY. You've been most helpful. Betina, I'm taking you up on your suggestion to make kindness my higher power. that is very much in line with me...but very very difficult...I'm not always kind and there's no excuse for that. Jerry, I've had a similar weird experience with healing. I had a broken neck and a priest/friend prayed over it. Xrays the next day showed nothing wrong and my pain was gone. I'll never be able to explain that, but it's been a huge lesson to me. I'll treasure all your kind words, ponder what comes to me, give it time to grow...and keep coming back. You guys are all absolutely amazing. thanks so much for sharing.
