The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reminder: I can live my life only one day at a time. Perhaps my confusion and despair are so great that I will have to take it one hour at a time, or one minute at a time, reminding myself constantly that I have authority over no life but my own.
"Just for today I will live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
I will slow my pace. If I am under pressure and setting myself deadlines and worrying about tomorrow. I will stop for a few minutes and think of just this one day and what I can do with it.
luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 26th of August 2012 01:34:32 AM
Today I feel kind of helpless. My family left afetr 3 weeks visit, and several discussions and adressing problems related to alcohol, for which I'm glad, even though a realize it has been toug hon my parents. I sometimes feel guilty for being the only one speaking up in this family, all the other members seem to be fine ignoring the merry go round mess. I know I need to let go of things and detach and all to keep my serenity, but they are still my family, and I love my parents with their talents and mistakes. So I had the need to address things, if I wouldn't have to shut down forever otherwise, which keeps their illusion alive, but lets me die inside and loose touch with them completely. So i once more chose to speak up, sensitive, difficult subject. And alcohol has its two hands over us, and it makes me sad that alcohol gets all the excuses, and that me I get all the blame.
I also decided to end my relationship with my ABF yesterday...I say decided, because I'm an addict in this matter, holding on to people out of reach. And even if I decide things doesn't mean I am strong enough to go through til the end with it. But it's a start.
He prefers alcohol.....and even if he's in recovery (without a programm though) and sober for a month, he still talks to me melancholicaly how much he misses drinking, and when we get into a discussion about how to sort out our relationship, which has enough complicated issues due to differences of culture, he feels emotions get too intense, and he reminds me onece more 'I feel like drinking now'. So I could I possibly in the future continue this battle against alcohol at this intensity. I'm tired...and it's everywhere it feels right now. In the realtionship it feels like alcohol is 'the other one'...I feel like my ABF has a lover, and I feel he will run to it as soon as things go somewhat bad in our relationship. And that lover gets access everywhere. I see 'the bottle' as a subject of his desire...which makes me feel like crap all the time, plus I feel pathetic too...jealous over a bottle????!!
In my family too, alcohol wins all the attention. it is romanticized, it is cheered upon, it is the party star, it is the most important ingredient to a family gathering, it is the relief to all the pain that people like me or my mum cause when speaking up. There seems to be so much freedom in alcohol. How can alcohol win more sympathy than loved ones. How can that choice be so easily taken. How does it make people so blind. How do people prefer sitting in a room with a bottle of whisky onstead of sitting with their loved one and discussing ideas and dreams, or simply sharing affection?giving time to a bottle seems so much more rewarding to A's than giving time to people. Living next to A's feels so isolating. And I'm cosnatntly fighting to receive time. but i fight on the wrong field. I need to change. and I need to fight less actually.
I know I have to focus on me, and I'm working the program and thanks to MIP I'm not drowning, like today, coming here posting instead of crying my eyes out. But even still, I feel like alcohol is laughing in its corner because it knows it's winning the battle, the people are gone, most of them thinking simply that i'm a psycho, and my partner doesn't even get to feel the intensity of the loss and separation, because he is probably happy to be more free again to have some privacy with his bottle.
and I'm alone, left with guilt only. and even if i manage to work on the guilt, I will still be alone, only with memories and dreams.
it has been 3 yrs since AH and i got to the "make it or break it" point in his disease. i still have days where i'm like oh no oh no. and we have done a lot of healing in these last 3 yrs. and still have a lot more to do in the next 5yrs. but speaking out loud your feelings is a big step. for me, a healing step. i applaude you for doing it. ppl forgive,ppl heal but when you start it always isnt sunshine and rainbows for the rest of your life..you have days where i think you need to allow yourself to be sad/fear/mopey/grieve..but thats just my opinion. I wish i found this site 3 yrs ago because i have learned so much in the last day alone! and the top thing is that there is support and someone, somewhere going through exactly what you are.or have been there..done that! just remember to breath! and this too shall pass
You are only as alone as you make yourself. Go to a meeting. Go out with friends. Alcoholics drink mostly because they are afraid. You don't have to be like that. You can be free. Do some nice things for yourself today.
((((Tortuga))))...when, in recovery, I learned to love myself unconditionally as I loved all the people I enabled...the loneliness went away. I am never alone now. I don't need anyone else now to verify me.
