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I was doing some googling this morning & ran across some writings by a long-time AA member on Step #8 that touched my deeply so I thought I'd share a little.
I've worked the 12steps in AA and Al-anon over the years but have discovered that the process never really ends. Having worked the 8th step to the best of my ability, there was one person left out because all contact with her was lost and my spirit couldn't heal.
The story: We adopted a 4 yr old girl (family adoption) who was an unbonded child. (known today as attachment disorder) She had behaviour problems that most cannot understand unless they have been there. We did yrs of therapy with her but things did not get better. My dearest friend (lovingly) asked me to not bring her to her home any more and our church asked that we not bring her to Sunday school (we even went thru counseling with our church) I became an abuser in an effort to control her behaviour - to put it bluntly. Being a child of an abusive alcoholic, I did not have the tools to deal with this situation so after 6 yrs we let her go back to her biological father. Well, that lasted less than a year and he abandoned her to the State and she spent the rest of her youth in group homes. She was placed in several foster homes, some ppl wanted to adopt her but after a few months each one returned her to state custody. We lost contact with her at age 13.
For 22yrs a day did not pass that I didn't think of her and it was with overwhelming sadness and guilt. I knew that I had ruined this child's chances at any sort of normal life. Then two yrs ago, she called. She had tracked us down and said that she needed some validation on what had happened to her as a child. By this time I had acquired some tools thru AA & Al-anon and told her to go for it -- ask away. It was a 2hr phone conversation. I stepped up to the plate and acknowledged my abuse of her - I made no excuses and did not try to pass the blame to anyone else. No matter what her behavioural problems were, those bruises came from my hand. She said "Mom, I forgive you and I need you in my life" & I responded that I did not know how to forgive myself. But just hearing those 3 powerful words was the most spiritual experience I have ever had.
Fastforward: She has come from out of state to visit us three times, we spent last Thanksgiving at her home and she calls me everytime she needs some motherly advise - WOW...I've finally been given the chance to be the mother to her that I always wanted to be. She does have some major trust issues(rightly so) but she has three beautiful children and is an excellent mother.
What brought these thoughts & feelings up for me this morning was a statement that 'disease of the spirit' doesn't really exist and this bothered me because I knew I had suffered from that very thing. The guilt I have felt all these years was not illness of the mind nor of the body but a festering deep in my soul..IMHO
Her forgivness of me & my actions is allowing me to forgive myself. I think about her every day but now it is with love, joy and thankfulness. I feel extremely vulnerable sharing this but I feel I'm among friends here.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. -Lewis B. Smedes
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Saturday 25th of August 2012 12:56:47 PM
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Saturday 25th of August 2012 12:58:46 PM
That was a good read. I really respect you and the way you made amends. The way things turned out for her (while maybe not ideal) did seem mostly positive. It gave me hope for working with foster kids day in and day out. A few on my caseload have been in up to 20 homes. Most of them have attachment problems to differing degrees. I definitely know what their issues and behaviors are like. Many of our foster parents who are trained in dealing with the behaviors do not last over 2 weeks with some of these kids. They punch holes in walls, destroy property, hit, spit, kick, make false allegations sometimes...they are difficult. I could not handle some of them and I know it.
What a special share. Proof that healing can happen at anytime in our process, never give up. I say this often about my mentally ill son, I hear a lot of statements in the "its too late for him" line of thought and I always remind I will never give up hope, and choose to see the pain he goes through as his path.
I partially lived your story by reading what you expressed so well. From the heart shares have a way of doing that.
I only have 3 things to say: We don't need anyones permission to change our lives. It is an ultimate blessing to be forgiven as it is to forgive. I can never feel like I deserve forgiveness. It is mine to ask for but not to demand.
Thank you for your honesty. May God continue to bless your family.
What stands out for me in reading my own writing is how my actions mirrored those of my A Father. When put in a stressful situation without any tools to cope, I took on his character defect of abusiveness. I've seen this in several friends over the years; parents that leaned toward abusiveness of their children due to having been abused by their A parents. It's a vicious, vicious cycle that I pray will one day be eliminated from my family.
I guess that is why I am so thankful for the 12 step programs and the enlightment that they bring. I learned from rehab and subsequent Al-anon meetings that in order for me to heal, I had to learn that forgiving others could open the door for others to forgive me.
WWow awesome share and so nice to hear your accountability. I have had an abusive childhood and have to keep myself in check. Thanks for the share. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
THANK YOU... For SHaring your Story, and Your Courage Once More... I'm Sure it is & was hard to Own your Part in it, but you proved as did your child prove, the Love was still there, even if you were off Course for a bit... God sure is Great that you have landed back in each others Lap, and have a Chance to begin the Healing Process... What a Miricle, and I'm Sure there is a Reason within that it happened when it did...
So Glad your Here... Friends in Recovery... One Crazy day at a Time ;)
