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Hi there. I am a mother of two beautiful young ladies. My S/O and I have been together for 5 years. He battles depression on an ongoing basis. Although I try to reach him he is very detached. We have good moments but often then not mostly are filled with confusion, pain and tears. I have tried to be a source of encouragement, he was going to counselling but decided he didn't want to anymore, he was taking medication but didn't like how it made him feel (eventhough he started to even out and be stable). He is constantly negative. He complains about anything and everything he can find. I know I am NOT the issue or the problem. He has to be his own solution to HIS problem. He was a drug addict (pot) but he won't admit it was an addiction but he has quit (before he met me). He did drink but he has also stopped that as well. He often gets angry saying he lives a sober life but he feels the same. The substances made him feel calmer, less stressed, he was able to cover his feelings and not face them.
It's so hard because there are times he doesn't sleep with me, won't cuddle with (me or the girls), he doesn't even have a decent conversation. He just teases, and puts us down, makes fun of us, just makes us feel lousy. I don't understand why? We have never done anything to him. My girls are extremely smart, they get all As, they are amazing daughters. He should be so proud! I work as a part time photographer, I enjoy my work, rest of the time I keep everything up at the house and fully tend to the girls while he is at work. We aren't rich but we are comfortable.
I try to talk to him tell him how important positive thinking is. Everyone has negative moments but you have to learn to convert those into positive. I have had a pretty rough upbringing in my life. My dad wasn't non-existence, my mom was power abuser. I have NEVER ever so much as dealt with my girls that way. They are so easy and wonderful.
I am at the point where he is affecting my own happiness. I am out with friends to perserve whatever smiles I have left. Remind myself life isn't so bad. Then he gets mad because it costs us 8 dollars to go to a pool with a slide/splash pad for a day. When he spents 5 dollars on lottos a week.
My one friend said I need to learn how to do dish out TOUGH LOVE. Maybe I am too sensitive. I try not to be. We barely text during the day. He comes home, I go to bed, I get up early 8-9am, he sleeps until 12-1pm. He never thinks to get up and make breakfast, or make a tea for me, or bring us to a trail and just enjoy the day. He wants to waste it away sleeping, eatting and that is it. It's like he is here but he isn't.
If you have read "A Wolf at the Table." I just started reading it ..haven't made it through the first chapter yet and already I feel exactly how he feels.
The girls and I so desperately want his affection, his approval, him to smile and build us up. To be accepted and loved. He isn't in a position to give anything like that. I get so frustrated because I just want to talk. He tells me I talk too much. Isn't communication and all of that the key to a healthy relationship? By me talking too much it could be anything...from how excited I am for the girls, or how great a friend is doing, or how happy I am about the photograph I took. Nope...he just doesn't want to talk.
Honestly all he wants is physical side. I don't even want it. He gets mad if I don't dish it out. I am just tired of being the brunt of all the reasons he has for his unhappiness. I want answers. Why? What is the reason for this? Why does he have to be this way? Is this something he cannot help? Is he making excuses? He tells me how easy it would be just to slam our van into a semi-truck and kill himself. I feel like he says that just to make me feel guilty.
I don't know. I am here for support for myself and my goregous girls. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to leave him. I want him to be healthy, whole, happy and stable. What is so wrong about that?
Sincerely. Me
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Aloha IP and welcome to posting. I hope you stick around and take seriously the suggestions of getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings and the other suggestions that come with it like getting the literature and finding a sponsor (a sponsor would help alot as you feel alone and trapped in the situation). Your SO sounds suicidal...the van into a semi is called suicidal ideation (thinking) and there is a short walk between that and making a plan and then following it thru. Not a safe person to be around because he also sounds very selfish and hurtful and might go to long lengths to include others in a suicide plan. Demanding sex might be his only way of getting high and he's not getting that. He needs help and quick and you're not his counselor or Mrs. Fix It. If he's been in therapy before you might suggest that he call them for a follow thru visit and see what that gets from him. If it gets you more emotional and verbal abuse I suggest making a plan "B" for yours and the girls safety.
Keep coming back and speaking up; by the way the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area is in the white pages of your local telephone book.
I have already started looking for the meetings in my area. I find it very hard to speak up because it seems like I am whining. I don't want it to come across that way. I just deseperately want things to change. Tomorrow is my birthday and sadly I feel irriated, disappointed, sad and depressed. Honestly every birthday comes around and he never tries to make it special. He gives me 101 reasons why. So I will probably be doing what I do every year, spending alone with my girls. My girlfriend comes back from up North on Monday so it will be nice to get out. :) As for living through the disappointment again....it's hard to swallow at times. Gosh it would be nice for someone just to pour into "us" for a change.
Rant done. IP
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
Jerry gave you lots of good feedback. I second everything he stated. You are putting a lot of energy into wishing he would be different and wanting things from him that he isn't willing to provide. You cannot make him change. You can set boundaries and stick to them in terms of not tolerating or accepting verbal abuse towards you or your daughters. You can be aided by focusing on you and your girls. You stated you will be spending "alone time with the girls" on your birthday. That is an oxymoron. You and your girls are a complete unit. It sounds like you are grateful for your children and they get lots of love from you. It has helped me in the past to stay in my gratitude and to not focus as much on what I don't have as what I do. You have 2 wonderful children, a job, friends, a house... I'm not saying you are whining at all. It is legitmately sad and disappointing that you significant other acts the way he does and it not fitting into your life in the way you want. It just doesn't help you to be soi focused on trying to get needs me from someone that can't or wont meet them.
I often hear "I don't want to leave him, but I want him to change." What does that translate into? At what point would you want to leave because he is not what you want? It's much simpler to think along the lines of you either want him for what he is....or you don't. I have spent many years with partners feeling sad and miserable because they wouldn't shift or change into what I needed and/or wanted. Turned out I could give myself a lot of the stuff I thought I needed from them. I could also fill up that needy feeling with spiritual enrichment from a higher power. Additionally, I could give up on changing them and find someone more compatible. That's just me though. Not sure how much sense this might make to you or how well you feel it applies.
Wow this sounds like the marriage I had and it is hard to stay focused on self and to continue on with your spouse being so low, but I have seen it done. Al-anon meetings and my sponsor helped me to get to a great place within myself that has benefited me and my girls. I am glad you are here and hope you can dive into your own program. Sending you lots of love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My A son chastised me for paying $2.50 for 1/2 of milk at a little neighborhood store because I didn't want to go to the big store several miles further down the road........excuse me!!! it's perfectly ok for you to spend $6 on a bottle of vodka while the fridge sets empty!!!!!
Don't worry about sounding whinny at meetings. The whine will subside as you gain clarity and we are patient with each other in that respect.
Path (((((((((((((((((((((this hug is for you!!) My S/O gets so mad because I want to pay 6 dollars for my favourite fabric softer but he can spent 5 dollars two times a week on lottos!) LOL. Your post made me smile! XX
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
