The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am ending a relationship I have had for about 5 months. I am so addicted to this guy. I recognise this about me. I have actually been super aware of MY character defects through out. But it hasn't made it any easier. At all.
He isnt an alcoholic but he def has issues and isms. And here's why i am so addicted...he doesn't like me with as much intensity as I like him...and the thing is, when I can step back and look logically, I dont really like him. I dont think we are compatible, I feel very VERY insecure in his presense...there's a lot wrong with this.
So I broke up with him last monday. I was doing well, staying strong. No contact. I mean, I was hurting and angry but I was keeping it to myself. Yea me! Until another part of my life walked up and kicked me in my back. Now, if I were addicted to alcohol I would have gone for a drink and be drunk right now. But I am addicted to people so I decided to text him. Bad idea I know. Insted I texted my friend in program. She talked me off the ledge.
But later I did text him. To say sorry for being so mean in my break up text and to let him know there were a few more things of his I had and I would drop them off. I didnt hear back but I was kind of ok with that...and then he called and left a message letting me know he still had my key to my car. I texted back that he should leave it in his mailbox and I would grab it when I left his stuff. No response. Ok.
Then I accidently on purpose sent him a text today that was intended for someone else....see...addcition diseased brain. He texted back, I texted again...currently we are making polite conversation via text.
The thing is...nothing has changed. At all. He is still in love with his ex gf, I am still boarderline nutzo knowing that and still wanting him. I feel like hell inside...I cant focus, I cant feel happy...I am in the middle of a relapse.
Do you think part of the addiciton is that he's not available to you? He is challenging?? Is that the attraction? and what about you, you think your not deserving of a functional relationship.
This is beyond my expertise.
You may need to talk to a professional counselor. One on one. That may help....
I think it's good that you are being so transparent with yourself. Keep working the program. Don't be hard on yourself. Take it all one day at a time. Remember, progress not profection. ((((HUGS!!!))))
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Don't pathologize yourself too much. The 12 steps are meant to help you. I've done the same things you are doing. Yes, I have a codependent streak running through me. It has improved some over time. I don't always want to brand my caring about others as dysfunctional though because it's not. Calling that an addiction is slippery because some of the things that go into the way you care about others are normal and healthy while only some things don't suit you.
When you are ready to let go of him, you will. In the past when I tried to force a relationship that wasn't meant to be, we started arguing because I pressured them to be what I wanted and then we broke up. Had I had better insight at the time I would have heeded red flags by ending the relationships when I realized we were not compatible - like you tried to do here.
Cut yourself a break. We all have loved unavailable people. Keep nurtuing yourself and engaging in self-care and you will naturally become healthier in this area.
I dont doubt that counseling would help. But that is a "luxury" I cant afford.
Last night turned out to really set me back.
We had made plans to see each other, to return stuff we had of each others. He stood me up. He had to work? Which could be true. I was so disappointed.
THEN, he said he'd call...he didn't. So this morning I woke up and texted him to just leave my styff in his mail box. He responded that he already left for his vacation. My heart sank. I wsa supposed to go with him on this vaca...prior to breaking up with him...and then we sort of talk about it yesterday...
So it was like a double triplet let down and I am actually crying about it!!! I never cry...? He said he'd have to see me when he got back.
So I sent him a text to just mail me my stuff when he gets back. He replied "what the he!! did I do now?" Implying that he had NO idea what he's done in the past and that I am just over reacting again or whatever...he never said that sort of thing but that is what I feel is implied...also, I FEEL like I am being a psycho.
I replied this : you lied to me again. Dont you get it? If you cant be honest with yourself there is no way you can be honest with anyone else. I get that you dont want me...have a nice trip, I will have a good cry and I am sure someone will be there to use when you get back.
Not sure why I keep falling to some immature level when it comes to this guy...but I do. I really do. It's not me, I know better and yet everytime I find myself behaving like a 14 yr old hurt child.
Currently I am crying in bed and I would be content to do that for a few days but I have kids and obligations.
I have dated and been involved with a few other men since my divorce 9 years ago...and NONE of them have had THIS effect on me...not one.
I want something I can't have and it is making me insane!!!!
