"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Rosie77 · Member

At what point can you say someone is an alcaholic

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rose and good morning, at least it is in Calif. ,

If your husbands drinking is affecting you then Alanon is the answer to help you cope.

We dont get to say that any other person is an alcoholic thats for them to discover and to admit.

For me, Alanon can apply to anyone, its a spiritual and creative way of living.

Hugs, Bettina

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi... first off, I fully concur with Bettina - in the end, it doesn't really matter or not if your hubby is an alcoholic or not.... His drinking IS affecting you, and therefore you can be helped by Al-Anon, etc.

Your situation is complicated, at least somewhat, by the fact that your hubby is a brewmaster - and is required to drink (at different stages of fermentation) for his work.... I have a friend who had the same job, and the amount of alcohol they consume, on a daily basis (job-related) is staggering.

The link below is the "standard" 20 questions that one is to ask themselves whether or not they are an alcoholic.... I found it helpful to answer this test (honestly) about my A at the time, long before she was willing to look at herself.

Hope that helps, and hope you keep coming back

Tom

http://www.a-1associates.com/aa/20Questions.htm

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Rosie: I think many an alcoholic finds a job where they can drink. My younger sister who is an alcoholic worked in a bar for a long time (before she was of age to do that). When I last saw her she had a photo album I looked at for the past few decades. Every single holiday there were pictures of people drunk, on her vacation there are pictures of people drunk. Yet my sister is pretty functional, she has two children, a job, her husband has a business. She is not a skid row alcoholic but it is there in every facet of her life.

For my sister the pictures of her drunk, her friends drunk, our family drunk that is the very fabric of her life. She doesn't see anything wrong with it at all. In fact she would never consider herself an alcoholic even when she had the shakes from drinking so much and all her hair fell out. Her best friend is also an alcoholic whose children were put into care because she took off with my sister to work in a bar. You should hear the stories my sister has to gloss over that one. Denial is a pretty big blanket in the life of an alcoholic.

I would highly recommend the book Getting them Sober for you to read to help you deal with your situation.

I would also recommend getting into this program, go to meetings, work the steps, get a sponsor.

Maresie.

Rosie77 · Member

Thank you maresie. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm being over sensitive or if it's me that has changed but I think what is happening is that his drinking has got more intense and is taking over even more what we do as a couple. He too has also only had jobs which are alcahol related. I feel like its taking over our marriage as he constantly has alcahol in his system. I'm not sure if I know the sober husband any more. I think I saw it for a day at the weekend as he was too hungover to drink. He spent the whole day watching tv and was grumpy. Next day he was back on it again. It's starting to feel like a lonely marriage. Alcahol always comes first.

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

I really struggled with accepting the idea that my wife was an alcoholic. The idea first came up probably 2-3 years ago in a marriage counseling session. I remember our counselor putting on a video that talked about AA. And I remember explicitly saying in the session "the last thing I want in the world is for (my wife) to be an alcoholic". We ultimately found out that our counselor was in recovery himself and regularly attended AA meetings with many years of sobriety. This made me reject the idea even more because I felt like he was pushing the idea on my wife and I, that she was an alcoholic. I grew up with alcoholic parents. There was no question about their alcoholism, as they were daily drinkers to the point of intoxication for my entire life. But my wife wasn't like that. She would binge periodically but then not drink for days/weeks.

Anyway, ultimately the problem became very apparent as my wife was drinking massive amounts of vodka while the kids were at school and things just got worse and worse. The link Tom posted was very helpful to me, especially in the early days, as it allowed me to simply accept the fact that she was indeed an alcoholic. What I did with that knowledge was a whole different matter, and that is where Al Anon has changed my life. Tom & Bettina's point about his drinking affecting you is really all that matters anyway. Don't get hung up in the semantics of "is he or isn't he".

Very happy and proud to say that not only has Al Anon changed my life, but AA has changed my wife's life.

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi Rosie77,

It took me what seemed like forever to realize how much alcohol and other substances were affecting my last relationship. Especially with the alcohol, it wasn't like he was falling down drunk or blacking out or throwing up or wetting the bed or getting DUIs or losing his job. He also wasn't mean or abusive. My exBF was a wonderful, sweet man who was pretty functional and that was part of what made it hard for me to see the problems. I was more familiar with later stage alcoholism from other parts of my life and so I didn't recognize the signs that might come on earlier or might be more subtle. For years, I didn't recognize alcohol dependence and addiction in my exBF and I didn't recognize its effects on me. I was also used to my needs being ignored and to a feeling of being almost loved based on my own family background. I didn't see the problem! He drank beer every single day, often throughout most of the day. I thought he could just quit if he really wanted to. I didn't realize what a problem that was because it was "just beer" and he didn't drink whole bottles of vodka. Gradually though, I started to see what was really going on. I started to see the power of addiction and its effects in our lives, I started to recognize the signs, and he continued to go downhill while denying any problem. Alanon and this board were extremely helpful for me. I started to learn about the signs of addiction and its effects on the addict and those who love him or her. I started to learn tools to help me address my own issues and find more happiness and serenity.

I hope you'll consider trying some face to face meetings, posting here, reading some of the incredible resources that are out there, and working the steps of Alanon. Whether he's an "alcoholic" or not, his drinking is affecting you and I think Alanon can help.

Best wishes to you,
Doozy

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

I agree with everyone who's already posted. It's really up to him to decide. There is no "definition" of an alcoholic. There are however, 2 questions he could ask himself to determine if he is an alcoholic, assuming he wants to know. And those are taken directly from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (which also has a few chapters written for wives and families of alcoholics and might be worth reading if you get a copy of it. ). "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic." It's really a personal thing. Concerning those 20 questions, I found that when I substituted the word thinking for the word drinking, I learned a lot about me too.

In any case, its good to see you here.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"