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Is it me or am I just being tried on or tested by the A?
I wake up, i'm happy, because I'm being me. I chat with the A, and in 2 seconds out of the blue, he manges to have turned the conversation on about alcohol, his desire to drink and a final sentence 'you don't respect my feelings, you try to make me sad, you want to fight'....????? in 2 sentences...how is that possible.
similar experiences??of someone trying to make you a cripple when you are trying to walk, trying to make you feel bad, when you are actually happy, trying to throw guilt at you when you don't give him ALL the attention. i will keep the focus on me, because it simply feels more right to me...I was just wondering, any similar shares out there. Because it sometimes feels like the A loves to live in self-pity, making the whole world worse than it actually is. it feels that he and me are sometimes trying to discuss over a movie, when he actually watched a 2nd world war theme, and me a Walt Disney comedy....but we still want to discuss a common issue
You aren't crazy you gotta king baby happening it's all about them and the disease wants what the disease wants which is some kind of fix.
I will picture my A sitting in a high chair and having a tantrum when these things happen. I try and disengage as quickly and quietly as possible, usually with a you might be right statement and move along to my next part. I don't have to allow these tantrums to affect the rest of my day. That can be easier said than done with some of the wild stuff going on at the moment.
Whatever he's going through you have changed and that's not working for the disease so it's going to throw out that change back crap. Hugs and congrats you are working your program coming here and not plugging in. You keep doing what you are doing because you are changing and finding your own program of recovery.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know I read in an al anon pamphlet something to the effect of: " the alcoholics first weapon is the ability to create anger". They try to start a fight. If you respond in anger and it turns into a fight they feel justified in drinking and they don't have the guilty feeling about the drinking because they are in a fight. It's madness and they probably don't know what they are doing. They just know that drinking feels better when it's "justified". Towards the end I could see clearly when AH was trying to start a fight so he could storm out and drink.
You are not alone. My husband does the same thing. Almost every day there is an argument out of thin air. I am afraid to say anything for fear of making him angry. He will pick a fight with me and then tell me that he wasn't going to drink today, but since I am being a "b" or nagging that he is going to drink. This is almost an every day thing. I am not to the point that I see him as a child, I still see him as a grown man making horrible choices. I cannot detach as of now and I still feel that it is my fault even though in my heart I know it isn't me, it is him. I am full of anger, resentment and most of all fear and sadness. Some days, I choose not to say anything and he still drinks. It is an addiction.
Hang in there and keep coming back. You have to stay concerned with your recovery and well being.
My AH does the same exact thing. He picks fights from thin air, it can be as ridiculous as where I set the mail down, or him swearing I told him something that I know I did not. Our only hope is to work on how we react to their attempts. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to work on and it is a daily struggle/journey for me but I am slowly getting better at it. Keep working on it. Know you are not crazy. I really work hard to stay on my side of the street so to speak. You are not alone, prayers and hugs. ts
Over time you learn to disengage when a person is drunk because they act stupid and unpredictable. The person knows or senses you doing that and they pick fights to draw you back in because negative attention for an Alcholic is better than no attention. That's just my take.
My exAH is a professional crazy maker and all the years we were together had me convinced he had to drink just to be with me. I bought into all kinds of things and had no self worth and felt like I was going crazy. Fast forward 17 years and a divorce later and he is still emailing me and blaming me for how he is feeling sad when I left him 2 years ago. The alcohol needs something to keep him feeling despair and well I guess me not being perfect and having my own needs is a good thing to hold onto to. It is sad and after 2 years of Al-anon I don't buy it, he would drink even if things were all going well, it is what A's do. I don't take it personally any longer, but do still love and feel for him, just realize these days his life is his to won and mine is going good and is mine to own. Whenever I was in doubt I dove into my program and talked with my sponsor and came here and vented it out. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
They are just looking for an excuse to drink. Mine did this when he was sober even and then he would say if you don't stop this your gonna make me drink when he started the whole thing. They are master manipulators. We all have our own issues but making them drink is not one of them. I always knew this and he hated it.
I think its called projection. When someone feels bad if they are immature and not able to cope with their feelings they project all their feelings onto someone else and act like it is that person who is the issue rather than the issue belongs to them. The ex A believed I was the sole source of all his problems, I was the crazy one, the one who didn't give him 100% 24/7 and as a result he was... I bought into that for so long Then I learned to detach. I didn't respond when he wanted to argue. I didn't spend my entire life wondering what he was doing. I stopped feeling responsible for him. I think its pretty hard in the beginning to not argue but it is possible. If you get tricked into an argument start over. In al anon some people learn to say you may be right when someone starts to argue like that and that seems to disarm them. I have felt defensive most of my life but now when I am being provoked I don't over react I respond in my own time and that seems to throw people right off.
Wow. You don't respect me, do you want to fight? Those are all exactly same things I hear constantly. Yet my feelings aren't respected. Most of the time I just walk away.
I do completely understand how you feel. As soon as my S/O gets up he gets angry about how his lunch isn't made, because I haven't made his lunch now he will have to "buy" lunch. Which he says he wants to do all the time aways (we aren't rich so ofcourse I tell him it's cheaper to make it). He gets mad if his underwear isn't picked up all over the place (room, washroom, laundry room, livingroom) and washed. He is like I am buying a package of new underwear! I am tired of looking for mine! Well, I do all the laundry, but I am not going hunt around looking for his stuff. I tell him (bring your stuff down and put it in the hamper). Dishes...wow. He makes something and leaves everything all over the counters. His excuse (I work all day) you stay home. I bring up we both live here, we both contribute to the chores. His response? Get the kids to do it. My parents made us do everything when we were little.
Cycle just goes on and on. Today he woke up and the first thing that came out of his mouth (you didn't wake me up on time). Excuse me? I am NOT your mother! Wake up yourself! Well if I get fired then it's YOUR fault. Every single thing is my fault.
I guess I am starting to realize that others are going through the exact same thing.
IP
-- Edited by InspiredPhotography on Saturday 25th of August 2012 10:40:31 AM
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"It's impossible said pride. Its risky said experience. Its pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart - Anonymous (via Tad)
