The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife has started going to AA a few weeks ago. The holy spirit compelled her to go. She will hit 30 days sober soon. She has a sponsor and will begin Step 1 soon. She, at times, wants to discuss some of the themes that she is going through. I offered my own 2 cents and every time she says I don't understand. I'm kind of analytical and feel up to the challenge of reading the BB and going through the steps on my own (at a quick pace). There is a ton of material, worksheets etc on the internet that I feel willing to complete. I do drink 0-3 beers a day, nothing else. Sometimes I'll go a month without. But I never have had any interest in giving it up completely. She says she has a problem. She does not want me to change. She wants me to still drink my beer when I want to. She says it does not bother her and if it did she would tell me. During the last few weeks I am careful to seldom drink in front of her. She says its okay to drink in front of her. As a matter of fact she says that If I do not lead my life as before she gets upset that I am now changing because of her. I found that I did not really drink much before I married her (10+ years ago). I drink more because she likes me to drink with her. Sometimes I would obstain, especially if she wants to drink during lunch, because the beer would make me tired the rest of the day. btw she only drinks lite beer, nothing else, not even wine. I've never seen her drink hard liquor. I'm willing to read the BB and do the worksheets. I am even willing to attend one open meeting. But I don't think I've hit bottom yet and do not want to join any recovery program. I realize reading the BB and completing the worksheets might have a positive impact on me but I would go into doing this without the intention of going to mtgs, praying, and spilling my guts to a another person with a simliar problem. I have nobody to talk to about any of this, as this is top secret (to her) right now. I feel alone and feel I am losing her. I told her that I would be willing to attend an Al-alon mtg. I want to help short of shutting my mouth. I want to stay close to my wife and understand what she is going through and support her. She is going to 2 mtgs a week now and I support that 100%. I'm a little concerned about the 13th steppers, but she has assured me there is nothing to worry about and I believe her 100%. Its just the other steppers that I do not trust. I do not want to be an outsider to her. I'm looking for a way to grow old with her.
Will it be helpful to read the BB and complete the worksheets? Or is that a waste of time?
I think in my mind there is nothing wrong with reading the BB or even learning what you can about her program. The problem with many an alanon member is that they really want to work the alcoholics program for them. In AA they call that taking someone elses inventory.
For me personally one of the greatest benefits of al anon was to spill my guts to someone else and be heard, be understood and be accepted. As I could not accept myself that act was very healing. Over the years I have found more and more people who accept me and that is such a huge gift for anyone who is in al anon.
I think one of the core tripping points of someone in a relatonship with a recovering alcoholic is what Lois W (Bill Wilson who started AA). called "the two of us against the world" concept. I felt I alone could tell the alcoholic how to act, think and recover. In fact I felt without even reading the Big Book that I was an "expert" on recovery and knew what they needes, when and how. AA is a program that is followed by millions of people across the world. Therefore there are a lot of different ways of looking at it. The temptation around any recovering alcoholic would be to get all caught up in who has the version that is correct why and what that means.
However your wife and her sponsor choose recovery may not be the way you envision they should. Being able to detach from whatever your wife's version is might be the most essential task in recovery.
For me personally I would have to detach absolutely from any sense of control around what meetings, where, what step, how much time they spent on recovery and what comparison I was making to them. I know people now who say they are in recovery (but aren't they are still using) I think it takes everything I have at times not to want to lecture them on what is recovery, what they should do, what I feel about their recovery and more. Focusing absolutely on my own recovery, my own steps and my own issues has been the corestone of my recovery. I know where absolutely focusing on someone elses recovery exclusively got me. That wasn't a pretty place.
It March of 2004 the woman I was married to began attending AA meetings to help her with her Alcoholism. I was extremely excited and grateful for this as I was just sure that if she would stop drinking our life together would be so much better. So much happier.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that she got at her first meeting would sit on our living room coffee table most days, and I began reading it. It is an amazing book. I felt so much relief knowing that she was not alone in her problems, and more importantly to me, that I was not alone either. I learned so much about the disease by reading that book. I learned a lot about myself too.
To be honest, that first time I read the Big Book, I saw my wife in there everywhere. All her faults. All her problems. It was an amazing introduction to the program of AA and would plant a seed in myself.
Thing was, her going to AA didn't really seem to be helping our marriage. After a while, even though she was not drinking, things were getting worse between us rather than better.
In April of 2004, my wife's sponsor suggested she attend an AA Conference, and suggested to her that I should go too.
To make a long story short I went. And was blown away, by what I experienced. Hearing a sober member of AA tell his story, the things he went through and the way his life was now after attending AA for years, gave me hope. The first hope I had in a long time.
I started attending Al-Anon meetings after that conference. I found help. I found understanding. I eventually even found myself.
I have read the Big Book several times since that first time. Funny thing happened. I see more of myself in that book now. I don't have a drinking problem at all. I rarely take a drop of alcohol. But what I did and do have is a thinking problem, a problem I acquired through years of exposure to the family disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon is helping me recover from that.
I never knew I had a problem. Not me. It was all the alcoholic's fault. I learned I had my own part in all of it.
I didn't cause her to drink. I couldn't control her drinking. I couldn't cure her drinking. (The 3 c's).
But I sure could contribute to it by my attitudes and controlling nature.
Read the Big Book, it will teach you much about the disease of Alcoholism.
Go to an Al-Anon meeting for you. Go with an open mind. You might be surprised by what you can learn there not only about your wife but even more so about yourself.
My marriage dissolved in spite of both of us being in recovery. Or maybe it dissolved because of both of us being in recovery. We were sick people, the both of us. Some marriages do and some marriages don't survive because of one or both being in recovery programs. But both can benefit and have better lives no matter what if they choose to follow the principals. Even if someone doesn't think they have anything to "recover" from....the 12 steps is a beautiful way to live a life.
I am so grateful to have been married to someone who had the courage to finally admit she had a problem and try to get help. Because of that I did too. I have no regrets. My life is so much happier today, just like I hoped my wife's going to AA would make it. I isn't the life I thought I wanted. But it is so much fuller and better than ever before.
For me the best way to support the efforts of a alcoholic in recovery is to stay out of thier stuff and mind my own business and I can do that by attending Al-Anon meetings for myself , the two programs works wonders together . As for understanding the alcoholic I finally know that is just not going to happen any more than he is going to understand how his drinking affected me and today thats okay . Al-Anons understand me . period. The alcoholic is not the only one who has to change , we had a part in this mess and take responsibility for it . I hope you find meetings for yourself and leave your wife to AA . Just my opinion Louise
As I suspected, your comments very widely. Any other comments?
Since asking for your comments (I did not tell her of my post here), my wife said it would be a good idea if I read the BB (I did not bring up the subject matter, she did). She said that reading the entire BB (I was ready to read all 500 pages), for me, was not necessary because the stories did not need to read immediately. She said that Al-Anon was not necessary. I told her that I had gone through the Step 1 worksheets already (without anybodies help - I know this is not how its done). She said that was not necessary since she is convinced that I don't have a alcoholic problem. The worksheets, in my mind, were helpful. We even discussed Step 1 together (she has had study time with sponsor on Step 1). It was clear that she had many stories to tell and I had to search hard for any stories of unmanageability. She said my stories were not really stories of unmanageability but were a couple of lifetime incidents that occured over 25 years ago and that I have had no other such incidents. I think understanding a little of what she is going through will keep me from being a total outsider.
