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Well next month will be 1 yr Kevin and I have been together. We truely feel like soul mates, the one thing I can trust is that we are really in love. In the begining of our relationship one of his best friends (Matt) from high school drove me 300 miles to visit Kevin. What happened was very distrubing and left Matt and I rushing to get in his truck to get out of there. Kevin was clearly nervous, as he had not so much as dated a woman in 5 yrs, so his secret became very apparent after he downed a bottle of whiskey and a large amount of beer. His poor body must have been severly distressed b/c he woke up from being passed out to go to the bathroom faint and fall on barh room floor and hit his head, not to mention urinating in his bed. So on the ride home Matt and I agreed Kevin was too far gone in his alcoholism and we didn't feel like fighting with him to stop drinking. Well like most alcoholics Kevin is extremely charming, and I would say the most interesting person I had ever met. So when he called me saying he knew I couldn't be with him, and he at least wanted to be my friend. However after time he promised to stop drinking, and go to a counselor. I admit I am at fault for believing his promises. So our relationship progressed 4 months later he moved in w/me and he acted casually by drininking a little beer here and there. Quite honestly I knew I was no competition to alcohol, I knew I would fail so I didn't wanna try. So almost a yr later I now know he is not psyically addicted to alcohol, but his relationship with it is terrible. He drinks half the time and the other half he suffers to severe depression. I also admit I am selfish because I do want him to be drunk so I can be close to him, I realize how insane that is. Basically I need any advise about the fact that I am supporting his alcoholism so I can have my Kevie Wevie. Yeah I don't have a clue, I realize.
Why not give al anon a shot to give yourself some respite.
Al anon is a program for people who deal with alcoholics. It isn't a program for those who want to cure alcoholics (because of course that is what we would all like). Beng around an alcoholic is a pretty big undertaking. Certainly someone who is so capable and yet so self destructive is a pretty interesting combination and I must admit at one time I found it pretty alluring. Over time I have come to see it isn't that great to be around but that took time and a lot of al anon to get there.
This Board can ge a jumping off place for you read the threads see if you can relate. People generally get better if they stick around here for a while there is no question about that if you read a number of the threads here. Please note that I said people who are on here get better, not necessarily their alcoholics. One of the slogans I have come to really love in dealing with an alcoholic is I can't control them, I can't cure them and I definitely had nothing whatsoever to do with causing an alcoholic to drink.
I would strongly suggest that you begin attending Al-anon meetings and buy lots of the literature so that you have it on hand as you need it. Getting a sponsor would be a tremendous help too. I too was engaged to an alcoholic and then married him. Thing is, he really didn't drink in front of me the 4 years we were dating so while there were probably some obvious red flags, I didn't take them seriously enough. It was after we were married that all hell broke loose alcohol-wise. He is Jekyl when sober and Hyde when drunk. I am now in alanon style recovery and long story short (4 years into our marriage) this last month I finally "hit the wall" so delivered the ultimatum: Sober up or move out (his name is not on the title to my home). We have a wonderful relationsip when he is sober, so I was willing to take the risk. He is now on day 20 of sobriety, but is not in "recovery." Still, I now have my Jekyl back full-time and it's great! I did tell him it needs to be a lifetime commitment. I WILL NOT live with an alcoholic who is actively drinking and I am very grateful my dear hubby knows what the consequences will be if he begins drinking again. I am and will continue to remain committed to living alone again if that's what it comes down to.
I would strongly caution you to not spend so much time trying to figure out if he has a physical addiction, etc. When actively drinking my hubby is a bing drinker who does not drink daily. His bing drinking can last 10 - 18 hours and he consumes copious amounts of alcohol during that time. He is definitely an Alcoholic. However, when I delivered the ultimatum he was able to strop drinking without going to rehab and without going though DTs or withdrawal. Real unusual I know. All this means is it's a waste of time focusing so much of your time and attention on what your fiance is or isn't doing alcohol-wise and whether or not he exhibits all the classic signs of alcoholism. Alcoholics cannot all be categorized as this or that and any attempts on your part to continue to "diagnose" him and his alcoholic behavior will get you nowhere. Just tell yourself that not all alcoholic are alike and leave it at that.
Promises... just like folks with any other type of addiction, alcoholics like to think they can control their drinking so they make promises using that faulty thinking too. You MUST not take it personally when they fail to live up to their promises. Remember, it's not about you and it's not about whether they love you or not. It's that ultimately, the only way to control drinking is to stop drinking.
Alanon is a tremendouly helpful program and will teach you about taking better care of YOU. Alanon is the program that helped give me the courage and strength to deliver the ultimatum and the results if he falls off the wagon.
As far as marriage goes, please ask yourself if from what you see now, is this the kind of life you want to have? Looking back I can honestly say that I would have probably gone ahead and married my husband anyway because 4 years ago I still had the crazy idea that love can conquer all. I now know that it takes far more than love to make a marriage work!! So for you, please consider this very carefully. Daily life with an alcoholic can feel like one is perpetually trapped in a hamster wheel... drunk/sober, drunk/sober drunk/sober.
