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Mt ex bf has been on a big slip for about 6 months h has not hasd a drink for a week and has asked if he can stay here for couple of days while gets accommodation and back to AA.
I have supported him in the past but this time is differnt. I know he has nothing to give me , I understand that we can not b together I am not doing this to get the man I want. I am doing it BECAUSE HE WANTS TO RECOVER I WILL NOT CARRY ANYONE ANYMORE.
My recovery is strong at the moment. I know that he is very ill drinking or not. I have come a long way in the past 6 months and do not want to go backwards. therefore going to hav a chat and explain my boundaries.
He can not stay here unless dry.
It is tempoary.
We are not a couple.
Must be in Recovery.
Any ESH would be appreciated I am very open to positive critism, he is on best behavior cause has been on street and jumpin from couch to couch.
I want to help but not if it is detrimental to me in anyway.
Aloha Tracy...you have really grown in your recovery and it is soooo encouraging to watch. You seem very good at inventoring "your part in it, past and present" so for me I'd suggest a boundary that is well defined. I would also be very honest with myself about true motives and expectations are you open minded enough to have a sit down with him, his former sponsor and yourself and your sponsor also and talk the walk right out in the open? That doesn't put the full weight of the event all on your shoulders...recovery is shared support. Is he attending AA meetings at the moment or will he be attending as a condition for R&R? These are great questions needing answers with the sponsors present. Alcoholics and Addicts will continue to drink and use in spite of information that it is taking their own lives...busting a little agreement like this one is a no brainer in light of the manipulation from the obsession and addiction of the disease. He's done it before and it might be worth the try if you are as good an enabler as you use to sound like before. My Alcoholic/Addict and I did the revolving door 5 times before I was done and the only complete sentence I would say to the disease was "No".
Thanks for the trust...take your time with it...listen, learn and plunk yourself down right in the middle of your HP's hands and ask..."Hey can you help me with this one also"? In love and service (((hugs)))
This was a very difficult choice I made a few years back. I made it concerning a friend. There was no romantic involvement. I don't know if my friend is an alcoholic but for years she's gotten herself into debt and speaks from the position of being a victim. My friendship with her has very tight boundaries. Numerous times she's lost her home. She asked if she could stay with me. At the time she asked to stay with me she had a full time job. I didn't have one. Due to having lost my home at one time and also due to our friendship, I told her she could stay one night but then needed to find some other friend to stay with the following night and so on. I told her it was the best I could offer her. Tracy... I felt awful! I knew though that if I didn't stick with that boundary I would have a harder time asking her to leave later. She helped out in the house a lot and I felt even worse when the next day wished her well and she went off to her job. She went to stay with another girlfriend who has an active alcoholic husband and lives very insanely. They've stayed friends since they were kids. My friend has been through more situations of getting fired, losing another home and even more debt. She attended Alanon with me once. Her son is an addict and when she has money she gives a lot of it to him. She never went back to Alanon. She was fired from another job, blamed the employer, married a man who is a friend not someone she was in love with and they are both living off his elderly mother. Is there are pattern of victimization here? For me, it was possible to remain her friend with very strong boundaries in place. I don't see her anywhere near as often as I see my emotonally healthy friends but I'll catch up with her a few times a year. It seems nothing changes much with her but at least I feel I chose myself first in a difficult situation and my recovery and avoided getting enmeshed in her stuff. I wish you luck in making your decision. You'll make the one that's right for you. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I think the thing is with someone who is in a difficult place is to have a plan be. What if he goes out to drink what will be the consequence. What if he doesn't go to meetings (and after all how can you know he could go in get a signature and leave). What if he crosses certain boundaries?
Living around someone who is newly sober is a dicey business. Expectations are everything. He isn't going to a Prince charming he isn't going to be all sweetness and wonder (although a newly sober alcoholic can really put on a great show to that effect!). I would really suggest strongly geting a copy of Getting them Sober. The suggestions there about what to expect around a newly sober alcoholic are so essential. Then I would suggest having a friend, sponsor to check in with. There is nothing more glowing than an Al anon member who has gone out of her way to take care of someone else. I felt much much better most of my life taking care of everyone but me. I felt like I was virtuous, kind, loving and generous but underneath it my expectations of the other person were huge. They were grandiose they involved celebration, dependence and really unrealistic fantasies. I wanted recognition, thanks, acknowledgement, kudos and most of all for them to know what effort it took for me to act in such a wonderful way. I never got it from them of course because they were absolutely incapable of giving it since they were an alcoholic. In fact I would have to say that I have had to find my own recognition because what I have always been craving from others had to come from me.
The issue isn't all about what will you let him do it is what will you do. How will you take care of yourself (a mystery to most people new to al anon) how will you take care of what comes up for you when you are around him (remember you have had a very different kind of relationship with him). For that you will in my view (and remember my view isn't the only option) need a program, sponsor, support group and a lot of prayer and help.
The alcoholic is really not well even though sober. I prayed this morning for hp to help me to care for myself. I feel so detached. He is attening AA again, I am focusing on my life. I know that he can not be the man I desire he is so ill. He is trying to get etter. I will support for now but I come first today. He was agitated today everything going wrong. My 16 year old left the room we are both learning so muchabout detachmnt. I followed her and told her how proud I was of how she handled the situation. I have asked her if she wants him to leave and she said no. So for now I am working my programme I feel like I am supporting a friend I do not want anything back at th moment. He is trying so I will help a bit but he has to do iit himself.
I am with recovery friends a;ll weekend, I have joined the gym. I feel good
