After all these years of dealing with a challenging marriage with AH and two young children, I am just done, done, done. Now the jerk has cheated on me and is still lying through his teeth trying to cover it up. I have good proof this time--I feel like I have to, otherwise he will just lie and manipulate as much as he can. A few times I have suspected odd behavior, but never had enough to go on. Part of me doesn't want to believe it and be made a fool. He lies about everything possible, it is almost pathological.

He went on a 10 mile hike that he said he did alone, and the guy never goes alone anywhere. I found out later he had hiked there with his therapist who had worked on his leg for some surgery he had last winter, due to falling on the ice because he was drunk. Not only did the surgery cost us income and time, but I had to take him to appointments, etc, and take care of him even more. This woman, who he told me about at first and said they were just friends and nothing more, had the nerve to offer to babysit our kids one night free so we could go out together--and I trusted him! I felt really uncomfortable about it, but he insisted she was just trying to help. She was married without children, in a struggling relationship, and she had told him to stick it out, and she realized she wanted to keep her marriage going as well, and thought she could offer some assistance to us. Boy was I really dumb.

Then fast forward to two months later and she is sending my AH emails. I had access to those emails because the dumb jerk gave me his password years ago and said, "I have nothing to hide." There was one of the photos of the hike they had gone on together with photos (not of them but of plants/trees-they were careful), and another where she had invited him to something and signed it, "besos", spanish for "kisses."

I kicked him out of the house a few days ago and wanted a permanent separation. He came the second day and got his things right when the kids were there, so of course it made them upset and they asked where he was going, etc, so he asked if he could just stay for the night. He continued to lie, then finally I was able to get a partial truth out of him, that he had "thought about having an affair" but hadn't, and yes he had gone on the hike with her (after denying it to my face several times and even saying she "sends photos to everyone"), "but nothing had happened yet". But I had another FB message from a friend he was messaging who he told in spanish (which I translated) that he was "in bed with his therapist" and he'd "better not talk in his sleep or his wife might hang him."  He does tend to tell fabricated stories to his buddies about girls from the past or embellish stories, but why would he tell this to someone if it wasn't true? Then a friend just last weekend saw them in the bar together the day before the hike, drinking a beer and sitting next to each other.

And the boldness-we live in a small town where everyone knows everybody. I could ruin this woman's reputation if I wanted to. Instead I wrote her a rather kind email telling her how I felt about her spending time with AH without my knowledge. But I keep finding out more. And then, after crying and saying he was sorry and begging not to have his family torn apart, he wanted to start over. Just acted like it would be so easy. He was already yelling at our kids by the end of the evening (this is what he blames his going out and almost having an affair on--the kids and me--and that I am still nursing my three year old and this is a big problem in his eyes and causes him to drink). And said he was really going to get serious about AA this time and stop drinking. Instead he came home last night and said he would pick up the kids from daycare, and then said he had to work late, so I picked them up late because I didn't get notice in time. Then he came home and had been obviously drinking.

When I found out about the affair, I had blocked him from my facebook page, and a few friends of mine un-friended him. He got really angry about this last night and started an argument about stupid FB, which is the least of our worries. I yelled at him to get out (in front of the kids which I regret now) and that I had emailed this "woman" and told her how I felt. I did not get a reply back. I think she must have contacted him and this is why he was upset when he came home. And then I was stupid enought to let him back in the house after only one night out on the street.

Friends tell me I should separate for good or at least a month, but it's already so hard on the kids. But it's hard on the kids when he's here and we are arguing. It seems to be a no-win situation at this stage. But right away, as soon as he is back, he is still drinking and arguing with me. I had a peaceful night with the kids when I kicked him out--I had finally come to a place where I was so upset that it felt good to do--but I know it has long range consequences for our family. Both good and bad, depending on how it is dealt with. And I would probably lose everything, cause neither of us can make it on our own--credit card debt as a result of this whole alcoholic mess. I make almost triple what he does, and he has never lived on his own, paid bills, etc, and it is time for him to grow up. Damn, it seems so easy to let him back in the door--why??? I don't really think it's love anymore--it's because I feel sorry for him or somehow responsible to take care of him.

For so long I feel like I've been with a 10 year old child in this marriage. I don't know how to separate the disease from who he truly is--because I haven't seen who he truly is very often, and now he has shown some other woman his best side and still cannot be truthful to me. I want to kick him to the street so badly but can't seem to get there yet. We have a huge age difference (I'm older) and not so surprisingly, the other woman is the same age as me. He is looking for a Mom and I don't want to be it anymore. I am overwhelmed at my full time job, the kids are stressed and acting up, and it just adds to the drama that is already there. And my birthday is coming up and I don't even want to celebrate.

Minaret

 

 

Aloha Minaret...Letting him back in is one of the enabling behaviors.  What I learned after doing that 5 or more times was that if nothing changes...nothing changes (with me) and then I was gifted with the definition of insanity...Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.  I finally made a list of deal breakers in our marriage...Lying, Cheating, Stealing...my alcoholic/addict regularly did them all and then I arrived at acting out...behaving..."I'm done". I went on to gain and maintain my peace of mind and serenity which she didn't get in the divorce.  "To thine own self be true" is an excellent mind set...and then behavior.   Hope you're getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings because that's where you get to touch the ESH of others who have been where you are at and survived.   Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))

Thanks for the ESH and comments, it helps. For me, communicating in writing really helps. So does talking to my friends, although I don't have any friends--ones that I could call that is--any time of the day like this. I'd like to meet someone in alanon that could be my sponsor, but the meetings are only one day a week and lots of times I miss them because they are too early before I get home from work.

I also found that the four meetings I went to I got really emotional, to the point where I couldn't even speak, just sobed the whole time, and I've had a hard time going back every since. I've talked about that on here before and you've all said try again--but I'm having a hard time. Right now--I've told him that this one day a week is mine--and I've had one of those days off so far and I really wanted to just go sit by the river and cry instead. And everyone in the meeting seemed so advanced in their focus on themselves, and I'm still reacting and focusing on my AH because I'm still angry and pissed, I want the people in the meeting to tell me their story and be mad with me and to give me advice, which they cannot. That's what I really want right now. And I like this forum because I can hear people's stories. I found that what people said in the four meetings I went to wasn't as helpful as here, but I know I need to try again. I'm sure they get lots of newcomers and some that don;t stay, and it's hard to trust at first.

Thanks Oksie, Bettina, Jerry and Pushka. Bettina, you wrote to me the last time I posted and told me your story. I can not imagine what you must have went through. And Jerry, you are right, I had some advice here from friends telling me, "I would march right into her office and tell her to leave your husband alone!", and I thought exactly what you said:"No wonder he's cheating--she's so nutty." I really didn't want to look like a fool. But I wrote her an email anyway. it wasn't vindictive, but in a way it was weak, what good would it do? I probably look pathetic to her--and of course the drinking is caused by us (his family) not understanding him or treating him right.

And then he has been calling me "bi-polar." He must have learned that word from her because I've never heard him use it before. I will tell him I don't want to discuss things in front of the kids (like when we have a "go around" about him moving out but it never happens) and then he manages to push my buttons, like acuse me of "un-friending" him on FB, and then he keeps arguing until I finally lose it and yell "get the f out and go sleep somewhere else tonight!" right in front of the kids. yeah, and then I do look bi-polar because I couldn't keep it under control. it's maddening. I have not learned to shut up, I always fight back and defend myself, unless he is really drunk, then I let him talk on and on until he passes out. Sometimes if I don't answer, I get it, too. "Oh, now you're not talking to me," etc.

Tonight he did one good thing. We'd had a bike for our 5 year old that wasn't right and for some reason, because of the broken seat, he could never learn to ride it without the training wheels. He found a cheap bike at a thrift store, brought it home, and within minutes, my DS was riding without training wheels and was really excited. They went for a longer ride on the bike path. There was a juice glass outside on the lawn that I think my DS had put right on a piece of wood in the lawn. I didn't want it to get run over, so I put it on the back trunk of my car. And then for some reason, I thought it might slip from my car (I'd forget it was there and it would break on the driveway spreading glass everywhere) so I put it on AH's hood of his car because I was in a hurry to go across the street to the park with DD. He came back from the bike ride and yelled at me--"why did I put that glass on the hood of his car?" (He thought I'd done it on purpose--where in the past, he used to leave beer bottles and beer cans in the lawn and the next morning I would put them all over the hood of his car). But this time, I'really had not done this on purpose. Besides, it was a glass gobblet of all things, an antique glass my DS wasn't suppose to have outside with him. But AH was angry and said I'd done it on purpose and the police in the neighborhood if they saw it were going to target his car and him as a drinker, etc., and all of this arguing started again and I engaged with him. That is the one thing I cannot seem to stop doing. And I have read the book "Getting them sober," and I thought it had a lot of good ideas, but I need to read it again obviously.

It's just that for some reason now, with young children and knowing he has cheated in some capacity, I can't go forward, and I can't detach, and I am mad. And right now, I have no desire to have sex with him and this is a biggie for him. Three times a week was not enough "mechanical" sex for him in the first place, and now it will be none for a while because I can't imagine pleasing him (and it's always "all about him") and picturing that he was unfaithful. So the drinking will get worse because there will not be sex, and he will get angrier, and if he is still here, I may not tolerate it. I will have to be forceful when I am really sure and strong about wanting him to move out, because he will not willingly do it on his own. He will play the kids against me too, and it will have to be done when he is sober and they are not here, but I will be doing the majority of the work or it will not happen.

It seems exhausting to think about. My DS is starting kindergarten, and I have registered him, but now after telling a friend about what happened, she has suggested going to a different school with her DS further north, where he would be closer to my work for pick up and drop off and we could pick up each others kids if needed. But I would have to register all over again and get all the papers. I also have a lot going on at work. It just seems so daunting.

At some point I think this move will have to come, but maybe not immediately. I just feel like going out and having a glass of wine every night now...I think about a book I read that said the person living with the alcoholic sometimes gets more sick, and often turns to drinking, too. I used to drink on a fairly regular basis, and even had at least one hangover every two weeks or so. But I never felt consumed by it, where I had to drink each day. In fact, when I was really, really upset about something, that was when drinking was not a pleasure for me. And I am really glad for this, since there is alcoholism in my family. Also, I was pregnant, had my kids and nursed for six years without a drop of anything. I've always stressed a bit about whether I could become one and if I could, now would be the time because of all the crap I am going through. However, seeing the pain my AH is in and the way he acts, completely turns it off for me after one drink. Drinking socially is not fun anymore like it used to be because I know the consequences later. While everyone else stops after one or two, mine keeps going and going and becomes an ass.

I hope tomorrow is a better day since it's my birthday. I know there will be no surprises for me, only the ones I make and just the pure joy from my kids.


Minaret

There are wonderful success stories out there. Getting sober doesn't mean a person gets perfect, they just get sober.

Minaret, thank you for your share. My ex was not a loyal man either. Despite my denial and fantasy script I had written of our life, I still cannot rid myself of the sinking feeling that no matter what excuses he gave I know he was not true to me. Still, I yearn to have him back. I have this sickening twisted feeling in my tummy when I think of being with him again. On the contrary, I miss him and want him to come to me as this changed man who will love and adore me. Well, I know deep down he is not the man I want and need him to be. I really do deserve more, but the fear of being alone, of not being worthy enough to receive love, of not being good enough for him tricks me into believing it will be different this time. I get scared I am losing out on something. Then, the rational part of me asks me what exactly I'm losing...the betrayal, lies, hurt? It's really a tortuous place to be. I know I have made the right choice to leave him, but even with my insight I am struggling at this moment not to call him. Your share has helped me remember what it was really like all those months ago. Where I am at emotionally is difficult, but it's not as hard as it was to be in the midst of the betrayal.