The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do you believe what he tells you? You know its his disease talking. Did you still go to meetings and work your program when he was sober. Sometimes we tend to slack off when they go thru sober times.
We forget what it was like. Sometimes when they have a sober period and go back to drinking, it gets bad right away, like they were never sober.
You might want to go to a meeting and if you have a sponsor contact them or get one. You have some decisions to make dont you. Alanon can help you with the solutions you are facing.
Never has there been a functioning alcoholic, my XA drove drunk for over 25 years, it was the 26th year he finally got a DUI and it was a doozy, because he rearended another person and caused personal damage and injury, so it was a felony. With an alcoholic things can happen pretty fast. You keep thinking this must be his bottom but NO, they have to live on the edge.
Doesnt matter if A's come from a good family or a bad family the disease is still the same, its an equal opportunity disease and it can destroy families.
I really want to encourage you to continue Alanon and keep coming back.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 16th of August 2012 10:53:29 PM
My AH began drinking again 9 weeks ago after one year of, well, dry-drunking. We separated a few months ago, and began reconciling after a couple of months, though he's not back home yet.
He is now saying he isn't an alcoholic, that I have caused him to treat me badly (he said he's not an abuser typically), that I am the one with systemic issues due to my family history of alcoholism, and that he lied in order to save his marriage and go into inpatient treatment last year. He's been angry about my relationship with my daughter (now a toddler) - when she was born he pulled away and drank more. Now he's saying I think I am our daughter's only parent.
He has pretty much said everything that would hurt, because it's "his turn to swing the bat." Then he threatened to "physically throw me the *&%$ out of his house if I make him regret begin honest with me."
He seems to feel entitled to all of this, and says his counselor (with addiction counseling background) knows he's drinking and seems to be fine with it. He is also monopolizing his family's support (they were very supportive and tough loving regarding his alcoholism in the past, and helped me a great deal).
It all feels like lies and manipulation - and I am scared.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Also - my AH is functional (though hasn't been able to get a job in 2 years, he does projects on the side and pays the mortgage), and does a good job of making me feel incapable. What does that mean? Never a DUI, comes from a good family, etc. He knows all of this and so makes the argument that I have the issues, not him.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
For years I questioned my feelings, and many times the outright facts I knew and observations I was making about my A -- because he would tell me that I wasn't seeing what i was seeing, smelling the alcohol -- he told me I was nuts...and unfortunately, I came to believe that...and that crazy cycle of codependency, in ways, I was in crisis.
Even now...his family insists he is doing fine, and I sometimes question my decision to divorce...but then I talk to his best friend who says to me "he's drunk every day." Yet, my A says he is doing SO much better without me in his life...wow...the skewed perspective the disease causes...
You also cannot trust what HE says his counselor says....again because he perceives according to the disease...
This disease affects everyone around it...get out to alanon to help trust your instincts and perspectives.. relying on the perspective of the A is only going to take you to crazytown.
In support,
rp
-- Edited by rehprof on Friday 17th of August 2012 05:36:37 AM
Addiction is not discriminatory... it will hit anyone. If it walks like a duck.. sounds like a duck.. .guess what.... This is not just his life you are talking about.. its yours to live how you feel safe, and to provide a safe environment for you child. Bat swinging talk doesn't sound safe to me.
Aloha Kl...time to ask the inventory question..."What is my part in this?" Here is an old and still daily used piece of Al-Anon wisdom I use on a daily basis..."No One has the power to hurt you and mess with your hear and feelings without your permission and participation". Often times my part in it was acting in a supportful way to the abuse...verifying and justifying it as if I deserved it. I don't do that any more...Free at last Free at last that God I'm free at last from participating in my own execution by someone who wouldn't have the power to do it if I didn't hand it to her.
You don't have to go again...You know too much now, have heard to many shares about how others have change the things they can...you can refuse the invitation to the fight.
If he verbalizes and physical threat...have him face family court and let them in on all of the goings on including the drinking, threats and such. Do it for you. Scary? yes and so miraculous to have you on your own side.
You're right it is simple manipulation on his part and it can be scary to the extent you permit it. Bring a sponsor and more Al-Anon members into your life.
Trying to keep it simple even though this will sound like me dissecting and diagnosing. It sounds like alcholism and a toxic relationship. It also sounds like self-esteem issues for you to work on. Does it matter if he's being honest? This is an issue that people get twisted once they have been through treatment. Counselors and AA will tell the alcoholic that it's crucial to be honest -but then some get the idea that they should be hurtfully honest. I'm sure in his head he probably does think this is the truth. His head is twisted though (and under the influence). Clearly there are consequences for being violent and not being a good father - which is that you have had to separate from him and you don't trust him around your child. Those seem like clear and rational boundaries. I'm betting his counselor is working on his self-esteem and depression and is being supportive cuz with a violent and antisocial person, if you confront them too much, they will bail from therapy. His understanding and accepting his own addiction and capacity for violence will take much longer - if ever achieved. Mature and nurturing love between 2 people does not involve threats, diminishing the other person, or trying to build yourself up at the expense of the other. It doesn't mean one person is always right and the other wrong. You both have stuff to work on and sometimes you both are right. It seems he probably knows your weak spots and it attacking them. That is a horrible thing to do but, like Jerry stated - This is an opportunity to own your part in it. Those self esteem issues are yours - not his. The fact that he can diminish you so easily and you walk into the traps - that's your issue to a large degree and you can work on that.
P.S. - When I talk about your part - I'm only talking about your self esteem. There is absolutely nothing you did that justifies being a victim of domestic violence.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 17th of August 2012 09:04:12 AM
If your best friend told you this story, what would you say to her? If you were watching your daughter walk through this what would you tell her?
My AH's family was very supportive of me too, until I used the word "abuse" and then they became very defensive. I learned that I needed to talk to my sponsor, make sure I was at my meeting, and keep coming back here. His family, and mine, can't understand the way those in Al-Anon do, they don't know the tools, they haven't gone through the steps. They don't understand that it's a disease.
Please take care of you, please keep coming back!!!
For years I questioned my feelings, and many times the outright facts I knew and observations I was making about my A -- because he would tell me that I wasn't seeing what i was seeing, smelling the alcohol -- he told me I was nuts...and unfortunately, I came to believe that...and that crazy cycle of codependency, in ways, I was in crisis.
Even now...his family insists he is doing fine, and I sometimes question my decision to divorce...but then I talk to his best friend who says to me "he's drunk every day." Yet, my A says he is doing SO much better without me in his life...wow...the skewed perspective the disease causes...
You also cannot trust what HE says his counselor says....again because he perceives according to the disease...
This disease affects everyone around it...get out to alanon to help trust your instincts and perspectives.. relying on the perspective of the A is only going to take you to crazytown.
In support,
rp
-- Edited by rehprof on Friday 17th of August 2012 05:36:37 AM
Prayers.