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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What do you guys think of this?
Post Info TOPIC: What do you guys think of this?
pinkchip


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What do you guys think of this?
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I know this is academic and I didn't write it - it's not alanon but actually I think some of the ideas from Alanon and ACOA shaped this form of marital/relationship therapy.  Again, there have been many posts about how futile therapy is with an active alcoholic, but this does offer some insight into why we choose the partners we do.  Just wondering what you guys think.

 

A Look at Imago Relationship Theory - Nature's Plan for Emotional Healing

by Gary Brainerd PhD, adapted by Doreen Van Leeuwen LMFT

Imago Relationship Theory (IRT) maintains that when two people fall in love, something profound happens that goes far beyond a desire for companionship, physical attraction, and compatibility. An unconscious agenda is activated, an agenda rooted in childhood hurts and unmet needs.

That agenda, simply stated, is this: We are all unconsciously looking for a particular someone who will help us finish (or repeat) childhood, so that we can become whole, happy adults, capable of loving relationships. Imago Relationship Therapists believe this to be nature's plan for emotional healing.

Nature Heals Itself

It appears that nature consistently tries to heal itself. When there is a forest fire, nature immediately begins healing the scar by re-growing the forest. When there is an oil spill, nature begins a process to "clean up" that spill, although it may take 50 years or more.

Imago theory suggests that where there are emotional wounds, nature begins a process of healing too. Just as surely as when you scratch your arm, a scab forms and eventually new skin is created, when there are emotional wounds, nature sets into motion a drive toheal those wounds. But since emotional wounds are invariably relationship wounds, they can only be healed in relationship - and only in a particular kind of relationship.

Imago Theory holds that:we can only be healed by the one who wounds us, or a very reasonable facsimile.

Partners must remind us of our childhood caretakers

We seem to be created so that the human psyche will only accept emotional healing from someone similar to the one who does (or did) the wounding. Inside, each one of us is a striving for wholeness and completeness. To accomplish this, nature steers us to a mate that has a high potential for healing our past hurts, and satisfying any unmet childhood needs.

We have to be with someone who activates our deepest needs and who is similar enough to our childhood caretakers that such healing becomes possible. To put it another way, we choose someone like Mom and Dad, in good ways and bad, to get the healing we want and need.

It's not a conscious choice

You may reasonably ask: Who in their right mind would ever choose someone that has negative traits similar to their parents? Who would consciously look for a life partner that is depressed, unavailable, distant or critical? Didn't we leave home just to get away from those characteristics? Of course, no one would consciously sign up for this!

Romantic love seduces us

As a solution, romantic love evolved. It's as though nature has to trick us into falling in love with someone who eventually also turns out to be painfully incompatible in ways specific to our hurts and needs.

Romantic love puts us temporarily on a "drug", that suppresses our awareness of our partner's negative traits and raises our expectation of being loved perfectly: "Finally I have found someone that will fill all my past, present and future needs and that will soothe all my wounds." Some of us even stay in this blissful state until we are committed or married.

Reality sets in

However, after we have been together for a while, the "drug" wears off, and we see more plainly our partner's shortcomings, just as they begin to detect ours. Instead of experiencing our mate's perfection, we now notice that they are critical, loud, absent-minded, irritating, or irresponsible....resembling our parents' negative qualities more and more.

We wonder, "What happened to the person that I married (committed to)?" and conclude that we must have "picked the wrong partner." We simply don't know that this is part of a natural plan for emotional healing. This is where a lot of people bail out.

Giving up

Nearly half of all couples split up between 7 to 16 years after "setting up house." About 75% of these people move on to other committed relationships, but, tragically, six out of 10 second marriages end for the same reasons the first ones ended.

This is an unnecessary consequence of misunderstanding the purpose of relationship.

Often, the problem is not that we have picked the wrong partner. The issue is that neither of us knows how to be the right partner, that is, the partner that my mate needs for his or her healing. What you need the most for your healing, I, your partner, am least able to give you.

Another way of looking at it

This leads us to a remarkable feature of nature's selection process. Not only are we attracted to someone who could be a very powerful (earthly) healer for us, but we are also attracted to someone for whom we can become a very powerful (earthly) healer. How? By inviting or challenging us to grow and change specifically in those areas where we are now deficient, in order that we can heal them.

So, how do we, as a committed couple, get out of this seemingly hopeless trap, where I have attracted you, someone who is perfectly unsuited to heal me, and you have attracted me, equally unable to meet your needs?

Help for the hopeless

The good news of Imago Theory is that there is a way out. When a couple recognizes what is happening when they select a mate, and why they choose the partner they choose, they start on the path toward appreciation, acceptance and forgiveness. When they decide to cooperate with the healing agenda, by stretching and changing to heal the other, each one becomes more complete in the process.

As the receiving partner experiences those gifts of healing, they feel safer and safer...and become more and more willing to stretch, grow and change in response. Consequently they enter into a process where wonderful things start happening. Happily married ever after?? Maybe that's the stuff of fairy tales...but a genuine, joyful, love-filled relationship is entirely possible.



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ilovedogs


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I think it has a lot of truth. My AH has said many times that I married my father and that he is more like my father than I'd care to admit. But, for me, I don't resemble his mother or father AT ALL. We have NO characteristics that resemble each other. The only thing I can think is that I filled the space that was missing from what he didn't get from his mother.

As you said in your post, though, that therapy with someone who's active in their addiction is futile. It seems like this kind of therapy really requires a HUGE commitment from both parties and a very open mind and honest communication. Most of us who live with alcoholics know that honesty is hard to come by as is an open mind. Honestly, ANY kind of marriage therapy requires the commitment and open mind of both partners but I understand what this article is saying. Always food for thought for me, LOL!

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Jackie11


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Interesting read!!! I totally married my Mom. I met my AH in February we dated 4 weeks, he proposed, I insisted on premarital counseling (pointless) and then we were married in June. I didn't realize I had married someone just like my mom until I started working my program. I'm my husband's 3rd wife, this is my first marriage. I think I may have some similarities to the first wife, but I hope none to the second. My AH is like his mom, and I'm probably more like his dad.

A lot of what this says makes sense to me. I appreciate the food for thought!!

 



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pinkchip


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It's interesting. I have been involved with people who were controlling and domineering like my mom for most of my life. After being in recovery for a while and now involved in a relationship again. I would say my current partner is more like my dad who is more even tempered, gentle, relaxed, and warm. Maybe all the time I spent in recovery helped reduce all those issues I had with my mom to the point where I stopped reenacting them in my relationships. I pray that is the case lol.

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Kismet


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It makes perfect sense to me and exactly sums up what is going on in my marriage... great article!

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Jackie11


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Something I thought of (after reading this) is how much I love Al-Anon. Through working my program I'm able to fix me, and learn how to deal with stuff in a healthy way. I spent so many years avoiding, and not confronting. I was getting better as I got older but now I'm learning so much more!

I am more self aware, less likely to feak out about something as quickly, of course the hardest time I have applying all this is with my husband, go figure



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Country Boy


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Thank you so much for that, it all makes sense. I often wondered what attracted me to my AW, I knew because I needed to be a codie , but this gives me a bigger view. thank Youy, Great read!

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Debilyn


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My thoughts are, that most people generally do not like change. They will be attracted to what is familiar. To go by lust is really the opposite of what one should do. But our world is a mess, values are not anymore.

Hooking up, friends with benefits...yuck.

I guess I like to meet someone, be attracted, but focusing on them as a person. No sex, unless we do get married. I want to see if we do develop and friendship first. I think that people who jump into bed, their hormones take over, those chemicals go out as false love.

Then it goes away and what is left? What in the world did I see in this guy?

I mean it with my first husband who died, and my second who basically was taken away from being braindamaged,I always loved them, was extremely attracted to them, every time was like the first time. When things were not real hot, they were the best because we loved each other as friends too.

Plus when you have a guide, for me it is the Bible, that explicitly tells you how to treat your wife or husband, you cannot go wrong.

The people I know, who are all ages who have a strong marriage are really a lot alike, they are friends, they glow. There is a comfort there. They may have separate bedrooms but it effects nothing as they are in love and friends. They are strong enough and secure enough to know what really matters.

Nature does try to repair, but sadly, the imperfection of the world has to change before things will ever be right again.

great share thank you Mark. love,debilyn who's first husband was a cute southern boy who laughed and smiled all the time, great attitude like my Mother. Second was a handsome musician, who was also a carpenter who was not critical, had a neat sense of humor, good work ethic like my parents. Both were loyal, and beautiful men.....



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