The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to Al-Anon. I haven't been able to make a face to face meeting as I have 2 young children & no childcare for them, so I've came here in hopes that I can get some clarity and support.
I've been married to my husband for 15 years. He has always drank, but never realized he was an alcoholic until about 7 years ago. The drinking has gotten progressively worse without him being able to control it. I can handle the drinking...my biggest stuggle is that in the past month he has frequently went to the bar to drink. He goes EVERYDAY he works M-F & will sit for 3-6 hours at time, then drives home. He states that he is going with the guys after work & sometimes just goes by himself. The bar is not a place for a married man!! He use to never go to the bar this often...maybe once every other week, if that. He's spending money that he knows we don't have. He is lying about where he is (whether still at work or on his way home), doesn't answer the phone while he's at the bar. When he is at home he acts like he loves me, acts like he wants to be invested in the marriage...admits he's an alcoholic, but doesn't want help. We aren't able to talk about the issues as he gets defensive and it's considered me "nagging" or "pushing him in a corner". So I don't talk about it, no mention of the amount of money he is spending, no complaining that he's going to the bar except that I just wish he would come home after work instead of going to the bar...that I miss him. He states that he's lost himself, but doesn't know how or why..."struggling with his self-worth & place in this world". I want to help him...I want my marriage back, but I don't know how. I don't know how to keep putting up with him spending money out from under his children, going to the bar (is it really just to unwind & drink or is he trying to find something (someone else)...why go to the same bar so frequently now, but didn't a month ago). The doubts are killing me...I want to believe that he loves me & wants our marriage to work, but where is the acting on that instead of just saying it.
I struggle with leaving as when looking for God's guidance I only see, marriage is forever. You choose to love even when you're not being loved in return. That unless there is infidelity, then divorce isn't recommended?
I'm sorry for rambling, just needing some guidance.
so glad you found this site it has helped me so much. My partner is the alcoholic and thid disease has destroyed him. I understand your love and committment i had the same struggle. My first husband had another addiction I was married for 17 years two children. I stayed tryed to love him and support him but in the end I lost my home and my children became home;less i could not continue. however today i have a lovely new home and we are friends he is still stick but I had to remove myself for my childrens sake. My second partner is the drinker I am loyal beyound belief this relationship has lasted for 7 years agian I love him so much no one can tell you to stay or go that is your choice. In al anon you will be educated about this disease and what effects it can have on you and your children. The people here will understand they ahve shared your pain. no one will give you advice just share what worked for them it is up to you to choose what is right for your situation.
You can not stop your husband drinking he has to want to stop.
However I learnt that i was making it easier for him to drink. Can you get a friend to have the children or a family mmber while you get to a meeting. ?
From my own experience and my own alcholism...I can say it is very likely that his feeling like he lost himself and doesn't fit in the world is DUE to his alcholism. Meanwhile alcoholism is such that it tells him it's the cure as opposed to the cause of the problems. Furthermore, you have the insanity of him saying he has all these problems yet doesn't want any help.
Tough situation for sure. You can take your kids with you to alanon meetings. That is pretty common. Also, just because he says "Don't back me into a corner!" and "Don't talk to me about my drinking!" That is not reason for you to accept things you cannot accept. He is not the only person with problems. He is not the only person that gets to decide boundaries and what gets talked about and what doesn't. What about you?
Who else other than an alcoholic can set up a game with their spouse where they act like an irresponsible child and then scream at you to ignore it and not treat them like a child? Acting like a child results in getting treated like one. Setting boundaries is hard. The boundaries do get trampled and then following through on your consequences is REALLY hard...
Mine started hanging in the bar too. Told me that they respect him there. A bunch of drunks who walk there because they have DUI's. How insane. Even got a number of DUI's all leaving the bar!! Now his only goal is to avoid a DUI since he got his license back. So his big plan now is to weld a bike rack onto the back of his car so that when he gets too drunk he can ride his bike home. I really would love to see him get nailed on his bike!! Married men do not belong in bars and run a high risk of getting a DUI because the police watch the bars.
When they start hanging in the bars it is escalating you can be sure and anything can happen. Set some boundries!!
Aloha Lashley and welcome to the board you got the first requirement right...the willingness to find help and here you are. Up until this time you have let the disease of alcoholism thru the alcoholic set you up as has been mentioned. The manipulation and control of alcoholism and drug addiction is huge and you've have been being set up for years. Alcoholics have tons of Blah Blah ideas, statements and stories and one of the most important ones is I have a problem which has a mysterious solution and I don't know what it is and I'm lost and I'm going to the bar. He is as confused as you are with the exception that you dont have the anesthesia (alcohol is one) of alcohol to block out reality...He goes thru it numb and dumb and you go thru it wide awake. You need help so call the meetings you can get to and ask if they have child care or do they mind if you bring your young ones. One of my sponsees brought his young children for a long time along with books and toys and other things to keep their attention. They even sat in his lap from time to time while he attended to his recovery. So that is one experience that worked for others. You need help cause you're responsible for getting your own help. He is responsible for his drinking and the negative life consequences of his drinking...You're not unless he has been allowing you to hold a gun or a slingshot or knife or spoon or whatever to his head and demanding he drinks. I don't think you've been doing that no one else here has admitted to that.
I can only suggest what worked for me and that was calling the number and getting to the very first meeting I could get to. I'm still alive. Thank God and the AFG. ((((hugs))))
