The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hear you and understand the feelings that you are experiencing I would like to suggest that you check out the alanon face to face meetings in your community and begin to attend
It was here that I learned how to process my feelings, own them, respond to them in a healthy manner and to begin to enjoy life again
Please also keep coming back here You are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 13th of August 2012 01:17:57 PM
I'm recently divorced which is something I'd wanted for a long, long time. It started out as a "friendly" break, but he has reunited with his old girlfriend from high school and they are deeply in love. I don't understand why I am so jealous nor what to do about it. I almost feel like stalking them, following them, etc. It scares me to think how much trouble my anger (raging!) could get me into. I was diagnosed with breast cancer not long after the divorce and by then he'd started dating this woman. So, I'm going through it alone and have lots of delicious self-pity and martyrdom to keep me company. And the resentment grows. I don't have a man in my life, I don't even know how to meet one. The last place to look is in an alanon or AA meeting, I can tell you that. But I just need some relief from this codependent obsession! Help me, please.
Is your ex an A, - still actively drinking, or ???
All by itself, your post seems to point towards codependant behavior (welcome to the rest of us, lol), but a bit more background as to who the A in your life is, and/or how alcoholism has affected you - would be beneficial for us. Al-Anon can certainly help with this, if for nothing else than to encourage you to re-examine some of your choices, behaviors, patterns, etc... - all in the name of personal growth & awareness
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I met the AA in AA. We were/are both AA's. We married quickly (got pregnant) and set about living a blissfully sober life. However, right away I realized he wasn't trying to improve although he was in meetings every other night for 2 hours. He was controlling, manipulative, rigid, uncompromising, physically and verbally overpowering...I became unhappy but hoped it would change. After our kids were in high school, I left. Last year, to be exact. I thought I was doing the right thing because I'd stopped loving him. But we promised to continue taking good care of our kids together, family traditions, birthdays, etc. He fired up a facebook account and immediately reunited with the woman he's had on his mind since hight school; she's got a reputation for being a lot of fun, drinks, smokes (now he's smoking too) and goes dancing. He spends much less time with the kids.
I feel so angry, in part because of his neglect of the children. But the bulk of it is jealousy and envy...not to mention trying to figure out why I can't have that kind of love in my life when I'm "the good guy?".
This isnt about you , alot of A's find it easier to move on than to fix a broken relationship . sounds like he is a dry drunk stopped drinking but nothing else has changed , which I found harder to live with than a practicing alcoholic . Stay positive and take care of you , you are a survivor no room for * why * . take care of your needs and you will find a partner who appreciates what you can bring to a relationship .
I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Regrets and second guessing are hard to deal with. To have the blow of a health problem on top of it all is almost too much to imagine having to deal with.
I just left my relapsing AH after about 2 years of absolute craziness. I have often wondered if we would be better off with someone more like ourselves. Like, do I make his drinking worse because he feels my disapproval and would he be better off with a "fun" woman who would join in and not make him feel like he is doing something wrong. I still haven't come up with an answer to that question but the thought of him with someone else is disturbing to me. I guess some part of me feels that he is so far gone that if I leave and he is left to his own devices, he will die or just become so sick that women are the furthest thing from his mind but that may not be the case. So many hard decisions to make. Try to focus on the things that your husband did to make you want to get out of the marriage. I was curious if he is still sober now that he is with someone that drinks.
Hang in there!
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Okay you're wanting him to verify you and give you strokes and stand by "his woman"? Didn't happen for me either so I spent alot of time exercising my rage and stalking and all that other stuff you have in mind and maybe are doing some of...I was still working my addiction to her and she was....where? with whom? doing what? One of the major players in my life was gone and I was looking for the full game. Didn't get it...just got recovery...worked for it; hard...had to substitute people in the program for the alcoholic/addict that was missing in action. S U C K E D!! and I cried, screamed, ranted, raved, tantrumed (got good at this one and it only takes one person and can be done safely...best done in wide open spaces without hard items to inflict pain on others and self) and learned some really great obscene words and statements I no longer need...ain't lending out. Sooo which one do you want to do first. I will not pretend with you that you are supposed to be something superhuman and saintly and a Joan of Arc substitude. I will agree with you that it hurts and it is painful and it is confusing in the least and murderous at best however I will also tell you that now that he is gone it is not your job to take over abusing yourself. Like us, you are invited to love you and stand by and with you as this gets worked out and thru and over. It will...we know it will...cause we've been there, done that, felt that, said that and then stopped to do lots of things different and much better. (((((suebama))))))...we're holding on to you and there's always room for one more.
