The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
She is no different than trying to rescue an alcoholic, we simply don't have the kind of power to truly help anyone, especially someone who is resistant. I, personally, have had to lower my expectations while working with others, my goal today, is to just be present with someone, to the best of my ability, while they are in their suffering, just be a witness to it, offering comfort as best I can. I do not have the power to pull them out of it, especially without their willingness. When I keep low expectations, I stand a better chance of keeping my own serenity.
Sometimes I don't feel I have the strength to be present, I get tired and need a rest. I have to accept my humanity. I call back when I can.
Often what I do with a fellow ACOA, I just shrink them down to the smallest age I can imagine them, and while I just listen, I try to hold the attitude, "poor baby. poor, poor baby." Because emotionally, that's what they are, just a child.
Until someone has suffered enough and decided that they cannot stand their life as it is and are WILLING to change, they will not be able to hear the message, they just won't. That is the way it had to work for me, I had to be screaming in pain before I as willing to practice something different. And I will add, I was just like her. I used people as a sounding board, whoever would have me, LOL
The option I have today, is to just love my fellows as they are. And to love MYSELF when I feel burdened and I need to get back with Higher power for more rest, only then am I able to obtain any real power anyway. When I do that, everyone is loved and acceptable "as-is," right where they are.
Thank you for your service to others, take care of yourself too (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 11th of August 2012 02:36:05 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I feel like crying right now. I was in a great mood but I have been affected by my sister's untreated disease.
I have an unrecovered ACOA sister who has been stuck in depression for several years. She phones me often for help and I do my best to give her my ESH, but often she seems to just want to stay in the dark place. She talks about the same issues and feelings time and again, mainly focusing on her workaholic husband. Times when she is open to the alanon principles we both feel better afterwards, but times like today when she just wants to reach out but doesn't want to hear program stuff I come away feeling sad and drained. I know the only way she will get out of this funk is to get into recovery, and I know it's important that I keep being an example of recovery, but I don't like this sad feeling inside me when I come away knowing I can't help her pain or influence her mental patterns.
I need more consciousness and tools around how to take care of myself with her....when to get off the phone and when to stay on; how to pass on ESH without that being fixing or rescuing; where help ends and enabling begins; how to not be used; how to protect myself; how to not be codependant and repat childhood patterns with her myself; how to protect myself with her.
I'm in quite a bit of emotional pain over this, and sometimes it gets too much to handle being the person she turns to for support when she isn't in a space to challenge her thoughts. I am hoping one day she will get into recovery, but to see her in such turmoil like I was before alanon, such hopeless despair but not being ready for recovery breaks my heart. I used to rescue my Mum (who was suicidal) as a child in a similar role, and this feels similar on those dark days my sister is too far gone to receive the light she seeks that I carry from working my program.
Thanks for listening and any feedback or ESH gratefully appreciated.
She is no different than trying to rescue an alcoholic, we simply don't have the kind of power to truly help anyone, especially someone who is resistant. I, personally, have had to lower my expectations while working with others, my goal today, is to just be present with someone, to the best of my ability, while they are in their suffering, just be a witness to it, offering comfort as best I can. I do not have the power to pull them out of it, especially without their willingness. When I keep low expectations, I stand a better chance of keeping my own serenity.
Sometimes I don't feel I have the strength to be present, I get tired and need a rest. I have to accept my humanity. I call back when I can.
Often what I do with a fellow ACOA, I just shrink them down to the smallest age I can imagine them, and while I just listen, I try to hold the attitude, "poor baby. poor, poor baby." Because emotionally, that's what they are, just a child.
Until someone has suffered enough and decided that they cannot stand their life as it is and are WILLING to change, they will not be able to hear the message, they just won't. That is the way it had to work for me, I had to be screaming in pain before I as willing to practice something different. And I will add, I was just like her. I used people as a sounding board, whoever would have me, LOL
The option I have today, is to just love my fellows as they are. And to love MYSELF when I feel burdened and I need to get back with Higher power for more rest, only then am I able to obtain any real power anyway. When I do that, everyone is loved and acceptable "as-is," right where they are.
Thank you for your service to others, take care of yourself too (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 11th of August 2012 02:36:05 PM
Very very best I could do here is echo this re-share. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Glad and Jerry for your support with this. I will make it a priority to take care of myself around this. Also to draw on a higher power as the source of energy and giving over giving from my own limited supplies. Trust a higher power will give me the right words and actions at the right times. Bless you both, that has helped enormously. Love Tigger x
