I agree with you and don't think you are delusional. I will do whatever it takes to make things work with my husband however I do have a limit and won't sacrifice a lifetime of being happy to hold him up for too long.

Kismet, Thank you for your response to my post. Let's keep in touch. I saw your post as well and I think you're having a much tougher time than I am, but whatever support I can offer you, I'm there for you.

Two years ago, I was kinda blindsided by my husband's drinking. I say "kinda" because it was there all along, I was just too naive to comprehend what was going on and recognize it for what it was. His behavior cost us a bucket load of customers, hard-earned good will and cash then landed him in the hospital with a near heart attack, which the ER staff clearly recognized as directly resulting from alcoholism. That was the first time I was able to put a label on it. It took my awhile for me to mop up the mess he had made. And while doing that, I moved from terrified for his life, to befuddled by the situation, to extremely angry at what he had done, which I saw as nothing but sabatoge to our business. But the episode scared him and he admitted the depth of his problem to me and started going to AA meetings.

He stayed sober for about 6 months or so. Then we decided to close the business and accept a job I'd been offered in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. It's a great job that pays well and he doesn't have to work. But there is no AA here. There was one guy trying to keep a local English AA group afloat, but he went to a couple meetings and it was just this one guy and him...and the one guy was still drinking, showing up drunk, and trying to get my husband to join him. It only pissed my husband off, so he broke that off. He's had a really hard time not drinking without AA. We've been here for about 1 1/2 years and he's been struggling and drinking and stopping and hiding and stopping and struggling. A week ago, he decided he had to quit. When he gets drunk, he's very fragile. He takes offense quickly and all his self esteem evaporates and he dissolves into an enormous pitty pit. And he drags me into it, with him. We sorta fight, but mostly end up both confused and in hysterical tears and not really understanding why.

So anyway, the last time this happened, he decided it had to stop. He had previously decided he can drink in moderation. Why not? After all, it's just a matter of will and control, right? And he's a very smart guy and should be able to control this. He expects no less of himself. Right. He's an alcoholic. I'm really trying to support him without supporting the behavior. We can talk openly and rationally as long as he's sober when we talk. He agrees that he cannot have "just one drink", ever. He's been sober for 7 days now.

For the first time, I have sought out Al-Anon. I joined an Email group and then found this list. I cannot talk to anyone. I can't dump any of this on one of my staff. I have no friends here that are not work related. My boss, who thinks we should just drink a lot wouldn't get it. I think my husband has a boat load of baggage that he'll just have to work through. I can only help him marginally with that. I've been reading the posts and the shares on the email meeting I joined. I think it helps me see things more clearly. But I still feel really isolated. (Ok, I'm in ETHIOPIA for crimminy sake! Of course, I'm isolated!) But I just needed a place to tell my story, be heard and not mocked. I need a friend who can understand and who will not think my husband is a looser. He's NOT. He's a wonderful man who happens to have a drinking problem. He's working on it and I want to support him in that.

And I need someone who will support me in this. If you can relate to what I'm saying and are looking for someone who can support you in your journey, maybe we can email each other regularly, share, commisserate and support each other. I feel really pathetic reaching out on an internet bulletin board for a supportive friend. But it's not about pride, is it?

I, too, plan to stay with mine. I have been told over and over to just 'get out while I can' but I'm not gonna do that. His drinking bothers me, yes, but I'm not gonna give up on him. I'm somewhat new to this whole thing, he and I have been together for 4 years, but it's already taking its toll on me, so I'm seeking help and support now.

I would be happy to keep in touch with you, so we can offer support to each other.

Kismet, I am in the same boat as you. Everyone likes mine, he is the life of the party, and I'm the moody, controlling wife who ruins the fun. All his friends know to call him immediately when they need to get their booze on, but none of them care about him like I do. None of them can see the damage it's doing to him...

 

This is such an important post...one to read open mindedly and slowly...one to listen to with reflection on what I have done and what I am doing now and what I have learned over the long time I've been in the program.  Leaving or not leaving?  I married my alcoholic/addict wife while I was thinking of the words to tell her that I didn't want to be in a relationship with her in the future.  I had asked myself what this the best I could do in a choice of a partner...would I always be in a realtionship with a needy addicted woman as a life time partner...would I always be in a relationship with a partner who couldn't or wouldn't carry their part of the partnership?  Of course I would if I kept using the same thinker  and rules for choosing  and justifications that I had in the past.  It was suggested by family members that I not marry my first addict and I did so anyway from my own best thinking and beliefs...that marriage turned out very burnt toast.  The next relationship was to another severe alcoholic which my family warned me not to bring into the family so I let her go also...6 months later I was married to another alcoholic/addict which my family accepted probably because she fit the mold; color and size better than the first two...this is the one I didn't want to stay with...something was wrong and I didn't know it was with me.  I didn't know that I was raised into the disease of alcoholism and that my role was enabler and scape goat and fix it child.  I never found out until I got into Al-Anon and started hearing experiences and explantions that I needed to explore for me.  I had to take the perceptions and beliefs that I held up till then and look at them under stong light and a microscope.  One of many things I learned was that "my" wife didn't mean that I owned the woman and that she and I were tied to the same quest and destination.  It just meant that for that time we had a marriage contract which was very shattered and not respected on the same level by either of us.  Marriage was a convenience and peer acquisition and "me too" position.  My spouses were addicted women most focused on what they were addicted to and least focused on a partnership agreement.  I made promises that I would support them putting myself second at all times and then came to realize that I made the promises to a disease that owned my spouses.  I never knew anyone, relative or otherwise that had a snowballs chance in hell of surviving it and in spite of that information I was going and actively trying to make "it"/them work.  I was taught in Al-Anon that I couldn't make an alcoholic do anything against their will to drink and use.  I tried waiting and the longer I waited the more they thought I was in agreement with what they were doing, who they were and how it was coming out for us.  That is the insanity or part of the insanity we talk about in alcoholism.  I never found a letter from God that this was the woman of my dreams and the love of my life and the person with whom I should partner with for the rest of my days which seemed to be shortening in relationship to the insanity that grew.  I was the trained enabler and I faithfully performed that role long before I was old enough to be married.  

Staying together?  God am I glad I found the program and then came to understand that enablers often are carriers of the disease themselves and that if I didn't change I would carry it to the next one and then the next one and....  Just on the subject of marriage...both my spouse and I are members of Al-Anon and I am also a double...This isn't a perfect marriage and we knew there was no such thing when we made the decision to try it "again" however because of this spiritual recovery program our marriage has outlasted both of my previous marriages "together"...God in the program of Al-Anon.  We don't have to deal with active alcoholism and the dire consequences of it while we have successfully dealt with the dire consequences of the financial melt down, family dysfunctions, differences of beliefs and cultures and more.  Staying together is the consequences of both our works and program make ups and relationships with God. 

My wife has been gone for 3 weeks...away with family including a brand new grand-daughter named after my spouse's mother...although I wished to be there with them I couldn't...not an issue.  What my spouse was doing and how...not an issue.  When she was coming back...more of an issue but not much more because "for this we are responsible".  A co-worker asked me how come you do that?  My response was why would I not?  I know he was talking out of a compulsion to fear something happening or not happening...my spouses and my programs have no room for that we do not have active alcoholism which creates insanity...real or imagined.

If I drink again...my wife leaves.  If I drink again she should leave.  If I drink again I will not be the person I am right now but severely altered and the alcoholic me will be a severe detriment to her happiness and serenity.  She deserves to be happy and serene.  She has the ability, facility and time to have that and to give that up to remain in uncertainty, a negative emotional state, poor health and a dead spirit isn't what either of us want...for ourselves or anyone else.

Al-Anon has a slogan we rarely speak of here on the board.  "Think" and along side of that "Let Go and Let God".  I believe that both of those are tightly held together.  How I end up; my consequences, are most about my choices...I believe.

(((hugs))) 

isitmytime514 my husband has also relieved himself in the bedroom because he is so out of it that he can't find the bathroom. It is so sad to see, but it makes me unbelievably angry too.

Jerry I am an enabler, without question. My father had issues with alcohol but learned to control it later in life. My grandfathers were both alcoholics. My uncle was an alcoholic. My upbringing did not leave me confident or with much belief in myself... from a child I wanted to study veterinary science but my father said he wasn't prepared to pay all that money to see me change my mind and lose interest. He said I should rather do a secretarial course and learn a skill that would be useful anywhere. When I went to study a 6 month diploma in Horsemastership I found out that he had taken bets with his staff on how long I would last... his money was on 2 weeks. That was 20 years ago and it has definitely shaped my (lack of) career. People always take an instant dislike to me, or they simply don't notice me - I joke that I have the most forgettable face around - and I don't know why. I have learned to live with it because after some drama or other they always get to know me and without fail say wow I was so wrong about you. I hate it and don't know what to do to change it! Everyone always assumes he worst of me and I have always been accused of wrongdoing when I have never been the culprit. I just feel maybe this is my path in life but then again now that I have found this site, maybe not? I am so ready for change.

(((peppermintginger))) Welcome to Mip! There is much wisdom, support, and love here. I can relate to much of your post-sending you a PM.
Please keep reading and posting here, we care.