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hey peeps. i'm quite shaken up right now and thought al-anon is the best place i can turn to for advice on this. i may post this on AA too to get advice from recovering AAers. hope that's ok. i've just discovered my fiancé (recovering) has a bit of a criminal past. i knew about one thing that happened (DUI) but i didnt know, he had also assaulted someone. i found this out through gooogle, not him, he has never told me of the latter incident.i'm feeling scared, the love of my life, the man i am marrying has not only kept this a secret, but that he is capable of assault, someone who ive always seen as gentle, sensitive and wouldnt raise their hand to anybody. i dont know what kind of assault though or on who. but this happened when he was drinking years ago and had experienced something very traumatic, which sent him off the rails with his drinking
under the circumstances, (he was in the depths of alcoholism, traumatised by something that happened) do you think i should worry about this. he pleaded guilty,and received a suspended jail sentence. i guess i'm just in shock and freaked by it, i would neevr have thought it. he told me he's never been in any fights.i'm thinking he hasnt told me about it out of shame/embarrassment and not wanting me to know that about him, and i suppose also there's no need to tell me as it was before we met too. is it possible that he acted like this purely because of the alcoholism/deep upset he went through at the time? that it's not actually a true reflection? this also comes as a bit of a blow as i think, how well do i really know him.
I'm so sorry this has happened and glad you have found us.
That sure is sobering news, so to speak.
An assault is the kind of thing that many people do do in a drunken state. It's hard to say what that means about his sober state. One of the troubling things is that you can't know what it means about his sober state because (as you now know) he hides things from you.
I'm afraid that what you do know is that if he drinks, he is liable to assault that's serious enough to get the police involved. If it's only when he's drunk and if he never gets drunk again, that would mean you are much more likely to be safe as far as violence is concerned. I wonder how long he has been in recovery? Of course there are no guarantees -- alcohol is a very powerful addictive substance. But of course ten years is better than five years, and five years better than one year, and one year better than a few months.
The other issue that would concern me is his tendency to hide things. Of course he hides them because he's ashamed or afraid of the reaction -- that's why everyone who lies hides things. My alcoholic ex-husband turned out to be hiding dozens of things, some of them serious, some of them so trivial that I had to laugh. He just had secrecy as a way of operating. I had no idea of it at the beginning. He seemed so straightforward. I do wish I had known earlier.
The good news is that there is no hurry. People reveal who they really are -- for bad or for good -- over time. If you don't make any irrevocable decisions, you will get more information as you go forward, and then you can make your decision, when you're ready, with more confidence. It sounds to me, speaking from my opinion alone, that you are wise to look hard at what's going on and wait for more information.
I hope you'll read all you can on the other threads here and maybe find a meeting for yourself (they're helpful even for partners of alcoholics in recovery). There are tools for everything that faces us. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Good point Mattie...Swift, you dont have to make a decision today or even tomorrow. Take your time to make a decision. i am a believer that talking your way through these things is the most constructive way of getting through them.
To Mattie - thank you, i'm glad I have found here too. it's been a comfort to read stories on here as i can relate very much to some things. i thought for a while he just blamed everything on alcoholism for convenience. He has been in recovery for over three years with no relapsing, and says the obsession/desire to drink has been removed. though one day at a time as they say, and like you said there's never any guarantees. he's a very caring man though, biggest heart i know (or think/thought i know???) so this news came as a big shock, and it makes me wonder what other secrets he has. i really feel there's a lot of things i don't know about him.but i guess in a way they don't totally concern me as i have never been affected (not by violence anyway, the worst he's done after an argument is sulk with me big style and behave like a baby! which can be very painful to be honest) he's always been loving and kind except when 'irritable restless discontent' from lack of meetings as he has a new job that doens't give him as much time as he really needs.
To terese0123 - I know talking to him would be the best way about it but i just know if i was to bring it up he'd turn it all round onto me, he's very good at that... i'm all for talking things hrough and think it's the best way, but in this instance i think i ought to keep schtum (for a quiet life really!!!) i don't think it would be a calm discussion, i predict he'd just turn it round on me.
My experience was my stbax had not just one thing I didn't know about there were more. What I have discovered in my case is that what is actually recorded and what actually has happened is two different things. My stbax has been arrested on assault charges however if you were to google him it does not show. anyone who met my stbx would say what a great guy. He is very personable. No one would believe he would be capable of violence. Sober, truly sober he is not. Drunk and angry yes he is and it was slowly escalating. In my mind the issue it's a secret would be a red flag that is based upon my experience though it's not a one size fits all situation. Hugs ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You also stated another red flag, in my opinion. You mentioned that he's good at turning things around onto you and that's classic alcoholic behavior. Many people in Al Anon will tell you that their spouses are sober and in AA but they still have alcoholic behaviors that are hard to get rid off as they've become a HUGE part of their character and behaviors. With my AH that was the biggest issue I had(and still have, LOL), the turning all the conversations around and away from himself. He never wanted to take the mirror and turn it to look at himself. I agree with Pushka, too, that the secret is a red flag too. Why would he reveal his struggle with alcoholism and share his recovery with you but not mention other shortcomings or problems with the law? He selectively told you about the DUI, but not about the assault.
As others have said, you can take all the time you want to make a decision. There's no hurry, it's your life. Do what's right for you and see where he fits into your life for today and for the future.
I'm probably not the best person to get anykind of feed back from right now, but I'm gonna share with you my story with my (soon to be ex) AH. I met my AH when he was in recovery... he slowly went on to drink more and more once out of the recovery house 2 years ago... He would tell me stories of what he did while he was drunk, he got into trouble all the time with the law, but sober, you wouldn't even believe he was that kind of guy. He is very intelligent. Can hold a conversation with anyone, very likeable. One story he told me about waking up in a jail cell with scratches all over his body. He found out that, while he was black-out drunk, he had taken a butcher knife, taken off all of his clothes and went outside yelling at everone and eventually passed out and fell into a holly bush. He was able to fight the felony weapons charge... but there were many, many stories like that, but, looking back, the only time he told me about them was when he was drunk. He never told me a drunk story when he was sober. He does have a felony from over 5 years ago and he tells me it was because he stole a bunch of money... but I never looked into it because he told me, so I trusted that to be it. Not everything about a person will show up on a google search either. I can find nothing about my AH on a google search except his facebook and myspace pages... I believe an alcoholic is cablable of ANYTHING while they are drunk, especially blackout drunk or get-law-involved drunk... I just found out last week that he molested my 3-1/2 year daughter and I am almost 100% sure it was in one of his blackout-drunken moments... God only knows what else he has done.
I tell you my story so that you can be cautious. Take your time, don't be afraid to find out what really happened in his past. You need to know so that you can make the best decisions for yourself. Take it one day at a time. You should know that truth of who your soon to be husband is and of the things he has done if you plan on spending the rest of your lives together. I am not by any means saying that he is capable of what my AH did, but do be careful! Take this one day at a time. Dive into your own recovery! Keep coming back! ((((HUGS))))
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
The ex A who I was with was incredibly proficient at turning it all around on me. The only issue is when I left him his life completely fell apart. He would even say things to me like that I loved our dogs more than him! Yeah right!
I am so sorry you are in this position. I have been there and done that with the secrets. In some circles that kind of behavior is called intriguing it is kind of a hook. Who is this person, why why why and then why some more. Being on edge around someone in some ways is exciting and the questionable things are actually bonding. A healthy person would see red flags. Those of us who are in al anon tend to worry about are they really red flags, should I let this go? What if. A healthy person would say this is a red flag. There are indeed some things to talk through and other things that can't be talked through. Someone who holds secrets is someone who has something to hide. Admittedly no one is going to lay out their whole life on the line for you but if you are considering marriage its a good idea to know who you are getting married to.
Getting them Sober is a great book for working around someone who is newly sober. A few years is not that much time in a program. The desire to drink is just one part of the program, the other part is to clean house, to go over all the behavior that goes along with the drinking.
I am glad you are here. You deserve to think of yourself.
