The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok... I am so, soooo confused right now... I hope you guys can help me know that there's hope for me! I always seem to get into the biggest messes in my life and now... Oh God help me!
Ok so I'm finally out of denial... I keep going into it but at the moment I'm excepting this... I contacted the Police yesterday, so it's out of my hands as far a legality goes...
Without going into to details, my 3 year old said that my husband (he has been in a rehab facility for 3 months now) had molested her.... (Please don't ask the details of that conversation.) I confronted him about this on Friday when he called home and he was absolutely angry and upset that I would even bring it up to him. But the problem is that the details of what she said, someone has done something to her and she said it was him! And that is what I am trying deal with... I sincerely hope that I haven't brought a man into my house that would do such a thing.. He doesn't strike me as such but an alcoholic, when drunk and blacked out, is capable of anything and he would black out all the time and flat out deny he had done things that he did. He would say that he would never do this or that but I witnessed him do those things, etc, etc,... you guys know the drill... So, the posibility is there that he did do this!!! He has never struck me as that type of person but I talked to his mom, because he told her and she called me, and she doesn't seem very surprised. She's is very sorry but she hasn't denied that he would do such a thing. She says that his drinking just gets him in more and more trouble and she doesn't even know what to think... My grandfather molested me when he was drunk and never remembered doing it, so maybe my husband did and doesn't remember. I feel so responsible for this. If I had dealt with my codependent problems years ago then this wouldn't have happened because I never would have married an alcoholic.. I don't think anyway... I just feel so responsible. I should have protected my daughter but I then again, how could I have known. Besides my Pastor, my mom, his mom and the police I haven't talked to anyone about it so I feel so alone in all of this... My little girl, on the other hand, seems very unaffected by this. She's very happy and doesn't seem to be affected by this at all. I will be taking her to counseling so she can deal with all of this as she needs to.
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
Also, I posted yesterday that he is being kicked out of rehab but I found out that they are not kicking him out of rehab because they are waiting to hear about the investigation with my daughter. But nonetheless, he has been drinking again and if he doesn't end up arrested for this then the rehab facility will decide what to do about his drinking.
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I'm so sorry that this is happening. How agonizing.
I too have had that experience of him denying up, down and sideways that he would ever do things which I clearly saw him do. I think they believe their own denials. You'd have to be in a state of denial to be an alcoholic, because it involves so many terrible things.
But the up side to this, if there is one, is that you know about the terrible thing before it can get any worse. I hope you'll take steps to protect your daughter from ever being alone with him. From what I've heard from other cases like this, you should document this (write down what your daughter said and when), and probably consult a lawyer. You don't want him getting ideas that he's going to divorce you and take you to the cleaners and ask for primary custody. It doesn't seem logical but alcohol causes insanity and they do get insane ideas in their heads. If you came up with this information at that point, they might well think that you'd made it up just to retain power, whereas if you tell a lawyer now, they'll hold that information in readiness so you can protect your daughter whatever happens down the line.
I hope you can take good care of yourself. This is a terrible, terrible disease.
My husband is her step-father, so he won't be able to get custody. I've taken precautions to make sure he cannot have contact with her. I also wrote everything down in the form of a police statement and have a copy of that... This is just so confusing, I think though, its confusing because its so unbelievable... This disease is terrible. I am so sick about this that my body keeps trimbling like I'm cold but I know I have to put my oxygen mask on if I am going to help her with hers. I have to remember to take deep breaths and to stop with all of the what if's in my head. I can't change the things that have already happend, I can only move forward. I have to do this one moment at a time. I have to give this to my HP and have Him guide me through this.
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I'm so sorry, please don't beat up on yourself - you didn't know. If he was blacking out it may very well be that he doesn't remember any of it but the bottom line is that you are protecting your daughter and keeping her away from him. Sending you support.
I'm very glad the situation is made so much easier by his being her step-father. The insanity caused by alcoholism is just mind-boggling. They are really not in their right minds any more than a delusional person would be. So glad you are protecting both of you. It's so hard when someone you trusted turns out to be completely insane. I hope you can work your program as hard as possible and give yourself many treats and good care, because you deserve it. What a good mom you are.
Thanks everyone for your support! The kind words are almost too much... I don't feel like a good mom... but feelings come and go... they are not concrete... feelings come and go like the winds and rain... I spent some time in prayer on the way home and although I don't feel any better, I know my God is with me. I don't have to walk this road alone. If I had known this was going to happen, I would not have married him... of course that is what everyone says... that's all part of life, isn't it... we make mistakes, some have consequences that cannot be undone, some have consequences that can... this is just one of those that can't be undone... I have to move on... I have to be strong for my daughter. I have to be healthy for my daughter. Even though I didn't want to eat, I knew I had to eat today. I can't sit on my bottom and cry all evening, my daughter won't even understand why I would do that. She is so happy, when I picked her up, she came home and sang a song about a coconut for me.. it was so cute! This horrific thing has not stolen her joy, so, I will take her lead and not let it steal mine too! I will do everything in my power to do what I need to do for justice for her. God will grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference! ... I think I'm gonna tattoo that on my palm so it wont wash off when I wash my hands!
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I hate to ask this, but have u taken her to a doctor to see if her hymen was injured? The reason I say that is a friend of mine had this happen to her. Her daughter said her daddy hurt her down there. Mom freaked and took her to the doctor for a checkup. Her hymen was not broken so doc said there was no penetration in any way. I am not sure if anything else went on, but it sure made mommy feel a little bit better. Hugs and much love being sent your way.
P.S - Good for you in believing your daughter :)
Dragonflys
(((Amandakay))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to take care of and protect your daughter. I'm glad you came here to share, there is so much love and support here. You and your family will be in my prayers.
She'll be going to the dr sometime this week. I'm waiting to here from the special victims department (child therapist who is knowledgable in speaking with small children about being molested) before I put her through anything she may not need to go through. I don't want her to have to go through anymore than she has... This is so hard to have to deal with... I've become suspetious of all of her behaviors and I'm having to constantly remind myself that she is safe now and I know what happened and that we'll get through this... whatever this brings to light, we will get through it... Thanks for all the prayers and support. It really means a lot!
__________________
Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
the real damage often is not the abuse, but not being believed when the truth is out...and once the truth is out, the steps parents take (or don't take) to protect the child...
Praise HP -- you took your child's side. You are doing whatever it takes to protect her...with counseling and support, you both will do okay. Bad stuff happens to people. Yet we are resilient, and can become strong at the broken places.
