The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am powerless, I'll repeat that one a few more time as well.
Scene: Last night at 9 I state I am going to bed. To that point we had been sitting next to each other on the couch for the past several hours. There was plenty of time to talk, as we were just relaxing and it would have been a great time (at any point during those several hours) to have talked to me.
My AH comes in and lays down and wants to start talking about how I need to help him with things more. How he knows I'm always telling him it's not my job to make him do things but that he needs more help. And that I need to remind him to do things. That he doesn't just automatically do things the way I do.
I tried not to react, I can't say I was exactly successful as this is such complete BS and I really wanted to sleep and he was trying to tell me that I need to be more of a "helper" to him. Then he's furious that I just close my eyes and want to go to sleep because he's trying to ask for my help and I'm not taking him seriously. That tomorrow when I'm praying for him that that's not helping him and he turned ugly.
Meanwhile I'm giving all this up to my HP. I can't say that I wasn't (and still feel) frustrated. It's a disease. I guess because I've been so succesful at letting go, now his disease is grasping for straws? I got "don't give me your AA lines that you've learned". Ok no problem since I'm not in AA.
Apparently I get too comfortable with our life and things go too well and suddenly I need a reminder again. I love my husband. I guess I should take this all as an indicator that I'm doing exactly what I need to be doing. If he (or rather his disease) is now attacking my program then I must be doing something right.
He hates hearing that if he wants to get better then he needs to handle that on his own (paraphrasing). I'm thinking what last night was, was deflection at it's finest.
Hugs jackie, it is a disease!! So sorry that it's so hard and yes I constantly get those reminders about making sure my program is intact. It's also an opportunity for growth. I have to flex my program muscles which is always a good thing. Hugs p ;) keep coming back you work such a great program!!!
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Agree with you 100 percent. Good call. Me and my ex both used to play that game (both alcoholics of course). I can recall hearing "You don't support me!!" a million times when I was busy paying just about all the bills and going along with his claims that he couldn't get a real job cuz he was "an outside of the box" person..and all I did was listen to his crazy ideas. I also never lifted a finger around the house and figured I had to be told to do anything at all....As if it didn't occur to me that basic cleaning up after oneself is something all grown ups should do.
I will agree with you!! An alcoholic is never to blame for his problems, always gotta find someone else to blame.
On your end, it sounds like resentment, and I would be resentful too. In al-anon, we're on a spiritual path, the program reminds me to consider the person who wronged us is perhaps spiritually sick, and you know that, yeah for YOU! ... we ask God to help us (whenever life is becoming unmanageable) to show them tolerance, pity, and patience that we would grant a sick friend.... to ask ourselves, "how can I be helpful? God save me from anger, Your will be done."
If you have a BB, it really lays out some really helpful guidance for resentments for me, on page 552.... I have done this, through gritted teeth at first. But my Creator understands. Eventually it gets easier because turning to Higher power makes everything better... for ME, and that's the goal, for my anger to soften into acceptance and for ME to feel better.
As you say, I am powerless over the alcoholics in my life. You know that and that is our great foundation! Making friends with powerlessness allows for a power greater to move in, and that's what you are doing. You also turned to the fellowship to vomit this all up, rather than the sick alcoholic, you're doing great! thanks for sharing here ((big hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I eventually arrive at the understanding that Glad speaks of here. Yes this is dis- E A S E in many shapes and forms. I thought at times I was raising an adult child without having the manual myself and then only resorted to our program and the desire and work to get better at it. I learned to listen to my alcoholic and when she complained to ask myself "How much of that is true and what can I do with it"? I would listen and if there wasn't reason for a direct response I would say "Let me think about what you are saying and get back to you after I do that". Sometimes it was true and I needed to change a thing or two and other times my response would be "thats not true". I don't do anything that will cause the situation to extent the fear and anxiety and to overwhelm and own me. I use let go and let God a lot and find that God does handle so much of what I turn over in faith and trust and then don't worry about. These are causes for practicing the program...These are tests..."this is only a test". Justice practice, for me, also helped disfuse my negative emotions and thoughts and often justice came with the realization "how often have I done what she is doing now and wanted her to remain victim to it". Do unto others was an old lesson which Al-Anon represented to me in steps 4 thru 9.
This is a great post for me...it helps me revisit the lessons which heal.
Thank you Jerry, I will definitely implement the "Let me think about what you are saying and get back to you after I do that" statement. That gives my AH a reasonable response instead of silence or him feeling ignored by me.
Jerry Thanks I will have to remember to use that when he is talking to me again. Jackie I had to laugh because I am going through the same thing as you are. It made me laugh because I thought wow someone else KNOWS the silly stuff my AH comes up with.
