The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing I learned by being with an alcoholic for many years is that they always seem to have an agenda. I stopped having sex with the A in 1995, before that it wasnt a lot either. We divorced 5 years ago, so it was a lot of years without it. He was never coming home, always out and I just didnt trust him. He was always drinking heavy and it wasnt fun anyway, it was very unpleasant. He also didnt engage me either, he also would pretend that it bothered him that he just couldnt "function" because of his sickness he would say. I bought it for awhile.
This is the husband that had an off and on again affair for 10 years and many other women, he managed to blindside me with all his manipulation , lies and his agenda. I figured there were one nite stands, but never figured that one would have twins by him. Which was even more fuel for his destruction. When he was sober , which wasnt a lot , he was so attentive, he was always a hard worker and never missed a day of work. Drunk or sober, his hair was always perfect, clothes always perfect. Very suave and charming and good looking. I truly believe that alcoholics arn't always as screwed up or crazy as we think. You ever heard of "crazy like a fox." Im not saying every alcoholic lies and cheats, but never underestimate the alcoholic. After 26 years of marriage I finally realized it was all an illusion that I help create. They seem to be very busy people. Always trying to create fuel to keep the drinking ongoing. He couldnt get reactions out of me anymore from years of Alanon. He never thought I would end the marriage, but it had to end.
All I know is I was on a different page all those years. Even with his disease I thought he was honest and forthright, turns out his values were different then mine. He showed me the person I wanted to see, but wasnt. Im sure the progression didnt help. The disease caused me to be delusional . It was a great lesson, the biggest lesson of my life. At 60 plus years. We as women(I can only speak for women) must demand more . I have always been a confident, independent woman. But I was tricked because I didnt want to see, but I didnt want to live untrue to myself anymore.
All I can say is this disease respects nobody. Im glad I got out with my sanity in tact.
Keep coming back and hopefully you will find the solutions your looking for.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 5th of August 2012 08:13:18 PM
Having one of those days. The most recent conversation with my AH went poorly. He claims that he looks at p*rn because he's not getting any and that's my fault. I had told him the previous day that I didn't want to have s*x because I want to work on our relationship and work on trusting him. He just kept at it and fighting me on it and wouldn't take any responsibility for his part so I decided that it was a stupid conversation to have anyway. I was trying to make things right, like always, and he turned it around against me. Then I told him that it's hard to want to have s*x when your spouse thinks you'll report them for rape to which he replied, "Hey, it's how I feel. If you don't like the truth than don't have any more conversations with me." OKAY, sounds like a great idea, UGH!
So, now I sit here and feel blech. Just tired of all the lack of responsibility, the superiority thrown at me, the accusations that I'm cheating, etc. I have to make some decisions soon because I know he won't do anything. He's just happy sitting there doing whatever he wants to do and knowing that I'm fuming over all of it. I truly feel disrespected and I'm so tired of all the crap. Just feeling very angry right now, but mainly at myself for staying this long and knowing I'm doing it to myself. I'm so afraid of being on my own and providing for a life with my son without support that it freezes me. And, I only have myself to blame.
OMG!!!!! Trying to make a simple point with an alcoholic can make you feel like beating your head against a wall. They twist your words and the next thing you know, you are going in circles about something entirely different. Argh!!!! Glad you could vent here.
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
ILD you don't need permission to heal...sounds like that is what you're looking for and you don't need persmission to release yourself from being held hostage to accepting the abuses because of financial security. I went thru that until I could not anymore and then trusted God and broke out of the cage. One day after another with the help of the program life fell back into a hummmmm and I got free of the fear...the being held hostage feeling. That wasn't so much what she was doing to me but what I was doing to me. My thinking and perceptions were all fear based and wrong. There are soooo many otherways to look at the picture. Staying with her wasn't an option...marrying her was a very very poor choice. I love her...I don't need her. Sooo sorry for the blech feeling and with a little bit of adjustment you can change that to a beach feeling or a bleach feeling or almost anything which changes the consequences huh?
I used to beat myself over the head all the time about not being able to take action of leaving the ex A. In fact as soon as I started al anon I took action. Learning to detach, set limits is not easy task. I had to build skills before I could get to the point of really contemplating that I had no where to go with him.
I made a plan be list and that helped me tremendously I stopped being paralyzed by the fear and saw what needed to be done. No I did not get any support whatsoever from the now exA. I found support, care and understanding elsewhere.
