its been a few years sorry - Al-Anon Family Group

rach04 · Member

its been a few years sorry

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

how do help them to get him to understand hes hurting them

I am sad you all are hurting!

Well you don't do the above I copied from your post. It is not their responsibility and they should never be in a position to think it is. Believe me he knows how much his disease is hurting everyone. Just becuz he can't stop drinking has nothing to do with that.

The guilt makes the A feel worse, they drink all the more.

His diseases is his, no one elses. I often said, well its all up to you. That is it. Its not mine or your kids or anyones problem. We can choose to live with them, and learn how to make ourselves able to do that the best we can. But we have zero control over their disease.

Your kids are watching you, and how you handle it. If you stay out of his disease so will they. All they need to know is about addiction. There are lots of books for kids on it. They do not have to figure him out. Once they know what the illness is and does, it becomes less personal. OH daddy does that becuz.....they will see it is the disease,not him causing all this pain.

It is totally up to kids to decide how they are going to respond to it. I said nothing about the A and his drinking. Our Son was never told anything bad about him. His disease showed my son all the bad. Even today my son wants nothing to do with him. He is wise, as just becuz someone is A does not mean they have to be a bad person.

Myself, I kept my kids away from all A's and all parties. I grew up in the 60's and 70's. My kids were not going to go hangout at the big drinking drug music parties of those days. I was not raised like that.

What helps is for you to take the kids on day trips, go play somewhere. Doen't have to take money, go have a picnic, go hike. Keep things light. Things don't always have to be dark.

Just becuz he is so sick, there is not reason you have to allow it affect your kids all the time.

I hope this helps some. Those kids are precious and deserver a happy childhood. That childhood is what makes us who we are as adults. I know that from my own experience, even moreso now that I am 60 in 6 or so months.

sending you love, light and hope, debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rach Welcome Back

I am so sorry that this disease has progressed in your family and you must respond to the pain caused by your husband's illness. You did not cause this disease, cannot control it and cannot cure it. You can learn how to respond to it in a healthy manner. That way you and your children are protected and will develop healthy tools for living. Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Gather the literature and read as much as you can. Your 15 year old could also benefit from alateen meetings so I would check them out also.

You are not alone and there is help and hope for your family.

Keep coming back.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand the pain of disappearing well. The ex A did it all the time and I found it really really hurtful. He could engineer so many places to hide and so many excuses of how he could not face me. I was absolutely devastated all the time. Al anon helped me to surrender to that I had no part in his behavior at all.

I am glad you are here. I understand well the issue of someone taking money and causing chaos at every turn. I also understand that I had to take care of me and for so so long that was a big mystery to me.

The book Gettng them Sober helped me tremendously because it really taught me how to expect an alcoholic to be an alcoholic. When I stopped expecting him to change things got very clear for me.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.