The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got back from taking the dog to the park. It was good for me while I was out. Now I am back to my prison. He is still asleep and I am trying to keep the puppy quiet and afraid to turn on the tv, as not to wake him for fear of what kind of mood he is going to be in. I am a nervous wreck and shaking. I don't think I can take much more, I feel like I am going to have a nervous break down!
-- Edited by almostgivenup on Friday 3rd of August 2012 10:11:27 AM
I went to my first al anon meeting last Thursday. The next day, he picked a fight with me and started drinking as soon as he got up saying it was because of me. I went to spend the weekend with a relative, just couldn't watch him drink anymore. I had started posting on this site 2 days before that but I deleted the account when I left for fear of him finding it and getting angry. When I came home, I noticed that he had gone through 3 30 packs of beer and a bottle of wine. I didn't say anything. He was really sick and told me that he didn't want to drink anymore. He said he knows what it is doing to his body and he is disgusted with it. I know he meant it at the time but I tried not to get my hopes up. The next 2 days were really bad. He was sick and didn't leave the apartment. I didn't mind picking up the slack because I knew he felt bad and he said he would keep his doctor's appointment on Friday at 8:30am. So, on Wednesday he decided he wanted to get out of the house with me. We went to a video store and stopped at a drug store for cigarettes. He told me that since he is going to the doctor on Friday he was going to get some beer until then. I didn't say anything negative, I just told him that was his choice. This morning at about 3am he informed me that he isn't going to make the appointment and got angry with me for making it so early. I reminded him it was his idea to go and that I asked him if the time was okay with him. He told me that I should have been more thoughtful and not made it so early. Then he proceeded to tell me that I can be so retarded sometimes. I went to take our puppy outside and he got mad about that. Told me it was too late and I am not to go outside at that hour. I agree, but when I asked him to take her he flat out said no! I just don't know what to do. We just moved to this town miles away from all my family. I am supposed to start a new job next week, but I hate it here and just want to leave. I keep telling myself that once he goes back to work things will be better. The union he works for is close to this town we moved to. He is laid off at the moment and will begin working as soon as a job opens up.
I hope you will continue to go to the alanon meetings you started because the support is invaluable, especially now. I found the meetings to be my hope filler for the week. Each time I thought I am not going to get through this episode or this crisis or whatever it gave me the ESH that I needed to make it through. Then the support I received has gotten me through some rough times as well. Leaving my stbax, making sure that I'm taking care of me and the kids, we are really doing ok. It's been a wild ride to say the least however at least we are doing ok.
I do encourage you to keep coming back here, keep going to your meetings it really gets better. It does take time, the willingness to work the program and just knowing you are going to be ok regardless of what comes up.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I didn't go last night, but I plan on going back sometime. I just want a "normal" life, without complications of being awaken by drunken behavior. I live on egg shells, wondering what I will do wrong to set him off.
I am currently seeking therapy to learn how to cope with this. All I really want to do is leave, but I don't want to abandon my marriage or my new job. Well, actually, I don't give a hoot about the job, but I do love my AH with all my heart. What hurts so much is that he says he loves me when he is sober and while drinking, but he is so verbally abusive while drinking that it tells a different story. Half of the time he doesn't remember what he says and if he does he finds a way to make everything my fault. He is also bi polar on top of being alcoholic. That is what he was going to the doctor for, his bi polar not the drinking. I just don't understand! He wanted so badly to go get help earlier in the week, now that he has been drinking for 2 days all that is gone.
I don't have any friends here and our financial situation is bleak. He monopolizes the tv in the living room and we don't have one in the bedroom. I go for walks with the puppy about 10 times a day in the 105 degree heat just to escape. All he does is play XBOX games and watch tv and drink. This really is no way to live.
Has anyone recommended the book "Getting Them Sober" Volume One by Toby Rice Drews? It is a great book. It was recommended to me and it really helped me to dive into recovery. I, also, encourage you to go to face-to-face meetings and keep coming back here. There is hope. Be encouraged. ((((HUGS))))
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Mandy
Don't settle for less than your potenial. Remember, average is as close to the bottom as to the top. ~Unknown
No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back! ~Unknown
I feel your pain for certain. It reminds me of when I used to participate in a "beginners" group, and people would get angry because we were somewhat happy. We would all remember when we felt that bad, and reassure the new people that we too were once in that position.
2 years later, a new city, far fewer face to face meetings, and no changes in the AH situation at home, except that I too feel extremely imprisoned. I am the only breadwinner, and yet still am financially strapped. I daily remind myself that I am not in a prison, unless I choose to be here.
I thank my HP that I have no children to consider in my life decisions, but I too have kept myself in this prison.
I spent about 5 nights away last week, telling myself I can sleep in my office and just make it work. Well in the beginning it was freeing, but it got old very quickly.
The AH sobered, had remorse and I came back home.
A full week of sobriety now for the AH, yet no program. So, now I am still in the prison of the dry AH, as they fight their own demons. While I have sympathy, I am tired.
I am the best friend a person could have..or used to be. I was the one a person could call at any time for anything, until now. Now I am unavailable when the AH is sober, or pissed, or crazy. My friends do not appreciate that. i cannot plan to do anything, because my life revolved around this person.
I rent an apartment, and my AH will not leave. We are both from another state, and he has no financial means to leave. I have offered plane tickets, but they do not want to go.
Short of evicting and feeling like crap, I know that my only choice is to leave. I have said, and felt many times that the crap in the apartment means nothing to me, compared to my "life". I know I am close to just leaving. My hope would be that the AH eventually would move out, since they cannot pay for the apartment, but even if they don't, I know that I need to do something to get ME out of prison. I don't belong in prison.
I am tired of being the caretaker, although I play the role well.
Please think enough of yourself to be selfish and make decisions for your interest.
