Aloha ((((LC)))) and welcome to the MIP family of people who are or have been in your shoes before.  If you scroll down to previous post by this fellowship you will certainly find you are not along and that your situation isn't much different than thousands of others who are affected by someone elses drinking.  I suggest that you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and get the hotline number to Al-Anon and call it the first chance you get to find out where and when we get together face to face to talk about solutions to the problem of having a relationship to alcoholics and addicts.  Do the scrolling and reading also because there is ton of support and experience at MIP.  There is a pamphlet at the meetings along with a lot of other literature that is titled "So you love and alcoholic"  get that and "Merry-go-round named Denial" and the newcomers packet.  This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease and never is fun.

Stick around cause more members are coming to greet you and tell you their stories.  ((((hugs))))

Hello, and welcome! To answer the ? about if the dr will give you the same effect as al anon, I can only give you my experience. I use the 12 step group to learn and deal with the issue as a whole. There is something about being in a room full of people who know exactly how you feel that you just dont get at the therapists office...and my therapist is fantastic! I cant say enough about her! When I visit with her, I can get more specific than I can in group. They both have a place in my life, andd they both help me in amazing ways...but the ways are different. I need them both. (hugs)

Welcome LCarroll,

even though evry story is of course slightly different in time and place, I found out reading the stories shared here in MIP are very similar and easily to realte to. There is a frustration, a sadness, a helplessness, personality switches, a loss, grief, anger, anxiety, fear, worry, hurt, craziness, overwhelming negative feelings coming up in realtion with this disease that me for myself also had to get to know first, and accept as such: Alcoholism.

I am new here in MIP, found this place 1 month ago, and I can only be thankful that I sticked around, even though it still takes me time to let it all sink in, and knowing what's happening with me. i was desorientated, and still am , depending on the days. But I come back here and I get sort of back on track, or at least I get a glimpse of the healthy track that i left I don't know when exactly.

For myself, on one hand a thousands of questions come up everyday, (mainly realted to my alcoholic boyfriend and me, and our tearing apart, and right or wrongs, and confusion) most of those question deal with shame and guilt on one side, and the love there was or/and still is on the other side. It's a fight and a struggle and its draining for both of us. So me for my part, I chose not to ignore reality and seek help. I cannot see and do  not know what he is doing on his side, and it's none of my busisness, and that fact doesn't question our love. But me, I'm here, with MIP, and with literature of Al Anon and other recovery works, simply learning, getting tools to cope, and exchange ideas, and share experiences, and learn to keep me in sanity, simply because I would drown in my own tears and complete despair if i would just let myself drift away with the events. That's how I fight the alcohol.

On the other hand,  you talked about therapist. well I found out for myself, 'if you think you want to see one, you will seek one'. It's a choice and a decision I do for myrself, in wanting to get better with my inner emotions and struggles and history.  I think everybody has the right and also the responsability to provide himself with as many tools and options available for the sake of their own happiness. Because if I'm not happy I can't share nothing with anybody else...so why be here then. Life is  a gift, I want to explore the fullest. what happens in therapy, I had to find one person I feel comfortable with, and then it's pretty 'simple' : you get to talk your guts out...over and over and back and forward. For me it was like a house inventory. Therapy was also like a school to me, helping me learning to talk and listen to myself. also there,  for me I learned tools that I use for me along the way, not to loose touch. (there are people who don't need that , because they managed to develop thoses tools through growing up in a favorable environment or with certain talents...lucky)

in consequence, the better i know myself , the less I get destroyed or destabilized by outer factors. Alcohol is a strong one though, I admit it here and now, powerful and baffeling. actually I call it a creeping monster. But one can fight it, actively, by not letting it affect us and deal with the effects it leaves on its path and on people. I am progressing, falling back sometimes, but progressing. I am still in grief, for letting my boyfriend go. and yes it hurts truly, deeply. but then again, why sink in despair, nobody here nor anywhere knows the future, right. 

keep coming back, there is nothing more healthy to get it out, and share and learn. whatever you feel like.

(((((hugs)))))

Hi. I am new here as well and I can totally relate to your situation. My AH is the same way, or he used to be anyway. Now, I never know if he is going to be angry at night after drinking all day or in the morning when he is hung over or both times! Everyone tells me how wonderful he is. He really knows how to put on a front in front of people. He is handsome and very charismatic and also manipulative and devious.

I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know that I understand what you feel.

Take care of you!

I can totally relate... My dad was an alcoholic when I was growing up (he quit drinking when I was in my early teens - He's in AA and has been sober ever since). Everyone who knew my dad, aside from myself, my sister, my brother and my mom, thought he was a GREAT guy. No one ever said anything bad about him. Every time one of my friends would meet him, they couldn't understand why I didn't like him so much. Family friends were the same way... Everyone loved my dad, our neighbors didn't understand. He was so nice to everyone else. Now that he is sober and found the help he needed in AA, he is a great guy. I like him now too. (I've always loved him though ). There are things I don't like, he has a horrible temper that he needs to deal with, but he's not drunk and so he doesn't hurt me anymore without a sincere apology...

The disease of alcoholism is disastrous. I've been married 3 times, twice to an addict. I have seen a psychologist, it was some help. I found out a lot about myself that I didn't like, but I felt so alone and helpless during that time - during most of my life actually. I thought I was the only crazy person and I couldn't understand why I was the way I was. When I was on my own for the first time, I made friends that didn't know my family and didn't know my dad was an alcoholic, and I had one friend ask me if I was a child of an alcoholic. WHAT!?  How did she know... My dad quit drinking YEARS before that. She explained some of the things I did and that they were things that people who grew up in alcholic homes did. (I recently had a discussion with my brother about growing up with daddy and he said his friends called him out on some of his codependent behaviors before too. We had a laugh about it.) I didn't realize that my dads drinking affected me in such a strong way... why was I so sensative to it.

Over the years I talked to counselors, pastors, therapist, friends, etc. Many times people would say something like, wow you've been through so much, or you're so strong for being able to get through this, or I hope things calm down for you soon... my life had always been chaos, and when it wasn't, I -unknowingly- created chaos because that was the only way things felt normal. When my current husband admitted himself into a long-term treatment facility, someone very dear to me told me to go to Al-anon. I finally did.  And I have realized that I am not the only crazy person affected by alcoholism... that my story isn't so abnormal for someone dealing with alcoholism. I'm not alone! I thought I was alone. But I AM NOT ALONE! It felt so good to know that someone else suffered like I do/did and have for so many years. Not that I enjoy other people suffering but that it's not hopeless! My situation has hope. Al-anon was the source of my hope. It has helped me to focus on my own happiness and well being. I even started gardening! I didn't know I could - I thought I'd kill everything. I've started reading more because I like to read. I've started spending more time doing things I enjoy and less time focusing on trying to fix other people - mainly my husbands drinking. My husband is responsible for himself. I'm not. You're not either. Through Al-anon, you will get the tools you need for your own happiness. Tools to help you "deal with him". Sometimes it will hurt, sometimes it will be funny, sometimes it will feel real good, but if you keep an open mind, you will start to see things you've never seen before, in yourself. I smile more because I want to, not because people expect me to. It makes a big difference. To deal with him, you have to deal with yourself. I definitely recommend going to face-to-face Al-anon meetings and staying connected here. Be encouraged. Keep coming back! (((((HUGS)))))