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I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 17 years but we've been together for 24 years. He recently completed a 28 day inpt program for alcoholism and has been sober for 5 months. He is taking his sobriety VERY seriously, attends AA almost daily, has a sponsor and is working on "steps". When he was drinking, he was extremely verbally abusive. He has had 2 extramarital affairs. The first affair was 7 years ago and lasted for 3 months. The second was more of an "emotional" affair with a woman he has known for a year. They did have a sexual encounter while both extremely intoxicated and he has just recently cut all ties with this woman and "devoted" himself to me and our marriage.
I also had an affair about 2 months ago. I have been open and completely honest with my husband about the affair and cut all ties with "the other man". My affair was motivated greatly out of revenge to what my husband did to me. I also saw it as an escape from what I couldn't control at home. I have never cheated on my husband until this time and it was COMPLETELY out of character for me. I have always been "good girl" and "rule follower".
Over the past month he has cried often and apologized many times for the pain he caused me and our son over the years. We have had to file for bankruptcy and he is now facing a 6 month incarceration for drug charges incurred while actively drinking. Recently, he has been hammering me with examples of what he terms my "negativity", stating the only way our marriage will work is if I change my outlook on life.
He says I have harped on how he needs to change for years. He says that he has done everything I asked... Quit drinking, taking more responsibility, giving up the emotional affair, helping around the house, etc. and now it is my turn to make some changes. He wants me to give 130% because he feels he is giving that much to me. He says I need to reassure him of my love and be more affectionate. The problem is that I am SO ANGRY with him for all he has done over the past several years and so hurt that giving the reassurance and affection to him is making me resentful!
Is this normal behavior for someone in early recovery? Why do I feel like I am losing a piece of myself every time he lectures me on how good his "program" is and how if I follow his program our relationship will be great
I go to therapy regularly and Al-Anon and we start marriage counseling next week. I am starting to feel guilty and ashamed because I am not able to give him the love and reassurance he is demanding. Instead I am feeling smothered and overwhelmed. Is this normal and how do I deal with such conflicting feelings? I love my husband and want the marriage to work but am very tired of feeling "so bad" for "so long".
Follow his program??? Im confused. So in other words he has done all this recovery for you. How noble of him. Well, He has his program. You have your program. He is early in the program and has a way to go, and probably hasnt worked all the steps.
Sounds like you have some work ahead of you, like letting go of your resentments. Letting go of resentments is for you not him ,and done in your own time.
Hope your husband stays into his recovery. No matter what he does I hope you will continue with your recovery . Both need to stop blaming eachother , everyone has a part in all this drama.
Take all the energy it takes to blame and focus on YOU. Attending face to face Alanon meetings is a start, you didnt mention if you already are.
Aloha HypStar and it sound like you are in a step one conditon...both ends; powerless and unmanagable. Good cause Step two promises sanity if you attain that belief that a power greater than you (who is not your alcoholic) can lead you to sanity. Your alcoholic husband cannot be your sponsor especially with such little recovery time. Going to meetings isn't "being sober" its just going to meetings. If hes been drinking for that long a period of time 5 month alcohol free isn't much of a head start on anyone else. He's a newbie just like you are here. Don't fight him, focus on yourself...get into the steps and your own sponsor if you are not there yet. This disease didn't take you all out over night so recovery isn't gonna come overnight also. He want you giving 130%? How much does her request of his HP? Get a sponsor and a home group of your own and dive into your own recovery without his direction. If he is putting much of the blame and responsibility for his condition on you he might be planning to go back out real soon. Take care of yourself and keep coming back...(((((hugs)))))
Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , you need support from people who have been where your at right now . And like it or not we too have to change we had a part in this mess and if we want change we have to be willing to create it , having your own program for me is the best way to support his efforts at sobriety . The alcoholic does not understand why when they sober up we arent okay and I don't believe they ever will understand how much thier behavior has affected our lives , any more than I wil understand the compulsion to drink and today thats ok with me . Al-Anons understand me they get my fears my anger and dissapointment and they dont tell me I am wrong they just listen and share thier own recovery with me .. you are not an alcoholic so AA will not do for you what its doing for your husband , Al-Anon is about you for you not about the alcoholic . early sobriety is what I lovingly call Stark Raving Sober and it can be a real bumpy time in your relationship , focus on your own needs and let AA take care of him . i was told than alcoholic cannot go home to an old idea and stay sober , I was the old idea therefor I too had to make changes . Luckily I was in Al-Anon 3 yrs before my husb sought sobriety so was a little better prepared for what was comming . Now is the time to care of you . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 2nd of August 2012 12:39:43 PM
Can only agree with the above two comments. Focus on your recovery, if he is in recovery its for him - good on him and I hope it works for him, but its a long and difficult road and he is in the very early stages.
Get alone to meetings if you can and find a sponsor - whatever your AH does or doesn't do take care of yourself, big hugs
Very much agree with Jerry. We all need to change in life. Change is not bad. It's just the why, who, when, and how of the change being brought up.
For what its worth. 5 months is not long enough to make up for all the things that have happened. Many folks in early sobriety think they deserve a ticker tape parade or a medal every day for staying sober. I remember being the same way and I was kind of let down that I didn't get a raise, didn't get super props from my family, no friends outside AA really said much...
Clearly he is working very hard to have that 5 months - but he's still just a newcomer throwing out demands and wanting what he wants now. Generally speaking, I think the big book talks about treating each other cordiallly and backing off arguments and demands while working on recovery for a good while.
There may be a way to be supportive without having to convert to being his cheerleader and act like you don't have any issues or difficult feelings of your own. Just don't argue and make replies like "I am really glad you are doing all you are doing. If things are going to work for us, this work you are doing in recovery is definitely going to help." There are no guarantees here for him. AA will tell him that his sobriety has to be contingent upon noone and nothing. Propping him up, and being his cheerleader isn't what he needs in my experience. Though I hate hearing this from my significant other, when I am being unreasonably demanding, I have heard "Honey, maybe you should call your sponsor about this."
After a year or more in the program and getting past step 9 - He should realize that his relationships are going to change gradually and over time while he makes "living amends." You will treat him differently when you grow accustomed to him being a different person. Nothing needs to be forced and it doesn't work all presto chango in 5 months. The same can be said for you and your alanon program if you choose to pursue it.
So glad you found us :) Please keep coming back it really makes a difference to work your own program and leave him to work his own and vise versa. I really don't have anything to add except echoing the standing of others. Alanon is about you and AA is about him.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Throwing my two cents into the fray, it seems like he is acting "stark raving sober" at the moment, in that he is in (very) early recovery, and he's feeling quite full of himself, has it all figured out, and thus feels so inclined to work your recovery program as well.... Also seems like he is (purposely or otherwise) "punishing" you for overstepping your role with HIS recovery, by overstepping his role with YOUR recovery....
How it was best explained to me, is that in early recovery - each of you need to have your own program of recovery, and you both need to try hard to NOT be each other's sponsor, etc.... Hopefully, at some point in your respective recoveries, the two of you (as a couple) will be able to slowly start working on the "two of you" once again, but typically this doesn't happen right away.... Not sure whether him being 5 months sober (particularly since he appears to be very much in the blame mode) is long enough, but at minimum, I sincerely hope that your marriage counsellor has some training as an addictions specialist....
You guys both have a lot of 'stuff' to work out, and ultimately forgive each other (and yourselves) for, but our mantra of ODAT seems to apply....
Take care, and please keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I found the book Getting them sober very helpful on getting to the expectations of what to expect from someone who is newly sober. I would highly recommend it.
2 years ago, My AH went to 24 days of rehab and moved to sober living for a month. After that, he came home and kept telling me how I needed to work on my problems because if I didnt, we were not going to work out. He stopped going to AA/NA as soon as he didnt have the obligation to go (moving out of sober living) He was all fixed! He didnt need any more help.. He knew what to do. It was my issue that I was so resentful and not jumping for joy that he was "stark raving sober" He was right that it was my issue, but what he didnt realize was that I was working on my problems at the speed that I was comfortable with. He expected us to forgive everything, hold no resentments and move forward like a brand new family because he was sober now.
I asked my AH to leave 3 months ago. He still sends me texts and blames me and my son for breaking up our family and him not being able to see his daughter. Although I shouldnt have, I told him to go re-read The Family Afterward in the Big Book.
Sending you much love and support. Keep going to your meetings for you because you are worth it.
