The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things between me & AW are getting bad. I see our relationship going down a road where if we continue, we will end up hating each other. I have been working hard with the program & have made progress, with a tantrum or two along the way, but for the most part I have been doing pretty good. But things are deteriorating fast. I fear that if we don't get away from each other things will turn for the worse quickly. I am confident that I won't take it too far but it's hard to predict what she will do as she is still very actively drinking & doesn't really see it as a problem.
I want to walk away as friends. We never had a fireworks laden marriage, but we have always been very close friends at worst. I am going to ask her to leave the house, if/when there is a divorce, I would most likely keep the house & all its debts. She would most likely stay with her mother, which would be fine because she goes out drinking with her 3-4 times a week.
All the lying, sneaking & cheating is really taking a toll on me/our marriage & I have had enough. I feel pretty strong & comfortable with this decision, Alanon has given me the strength & courage to examine my part & I just don't see any hope in this marriage. Her behavior is unacceptable to me & she sees no need to change it. It is very important to me to leave on mutual friendly terms. i am willing to make more than my share of concessions to keep the peace. I wish her no ill will, I just cannot live like this.
Any ESH would be appreciated on how to keep things from getting ugly. It's sad to see a 18 year relationship ending, but it looks like it is time.
Wow.... admirable goals, for sure, and excellent ones to strive for....
For me, I was unable to attain that goal of "walking away as friends", and in the end, it wasn't a realistic one for our circumstances.... My reality was even more than that - I think I also wanted validation from her that ending the marriage was the 'right thing', and almost kudos for doing this honorable thing.... Trouble was, two people seldom "agree" on the dissolution of a relationship, or at least, not at the same time....
For one, I was in the mode of wanting to believe that a 'sick and irrational' person (my A) was going to behave in healthy and rational ways....
I truly believe your goals, as stated, are admirable, but in the end, you may have to simply honor yourself. Ultimately, I made the choices I made, and wanted/needed to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and how I behaved - I couldn't control how she behaved.
I wish you well
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Since you don't have the power or control over anything other than yourself...at times...as I learned what worked for me was to take the process very slowly and to work with others...my sponsor and the fellowship because those were the goldmines of openmindedness. I investigated the consequences of my past decisions and actions and found my head wagging side to side because I hadn't like the outcome. Taking it slow for me was to look at the full definition of separate...which included such words as "detach" "divorce" "abandon" "allow space" "offer mercy and grace" and more. When I was where you are at right now and honestly you know more about that than I, I focused and meditated on the 1st step to affirm my powerlessness and my need for better management using the recovery experiences of others. When I left the mainland to come home I had a chanced encounter with my former alcoholic/addict spouse in a Target Store no less and when we met we embraced and both of us knew and would admit that we were more in love with each other than we ever were and....we had absolutely no reason to be married in the first place. It was more of a blessing considering that during the separation process before the divorce and during the detachment period, My HP used my alcoholic/addict to give me my current metaphor for humility and a greater commitment to my own recovery. Had I don't been patient and openminded, had I not stopped listened and learned I would have missed my HP's very clear picture just for me. My sponsor gave me the definition that "humility is being teachable" and my alcoholic/addict became the teacher.
I use my own thinking sparingly because I know there is a wider, deeper, longer source of experience available to me and that it's there for me to use along with my own and of course my HP's. With patience, tolerance and humility it came out better for me.
Just keep your side of the street clean. You are not under obligation to lie. She has hurt you. You don't have to go out of your way to slam that point home, but you don't have to make the reality different than it is to avoid her irrational response.
I tried really hard to keep things friendly with my ex but step by step he destroyed that possibility. The harder I tried to keep things friendly, the more determined he seemed to try to get me to come down to his level, fight his way and prove to him that I really never loved him because if I had loved him I wouldn't have ________________________-- you fill in the blank. I had to get out and keep putting more and more distance between us because he would use whatever friendly offerings I gave to try to hurt me. I have HAD to step back and away from any type of friendship with him; he is unable to see me as anything less than the evil enemy ex - he NEEDS me to be the evil enemy ex so that he has a reason/excuse to sit at the bar and drink his woes away. Nothing I say or do will ever put me in a good light in his eyes and I have to accept that.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Rational people even find it extreme difficult to 'remain friends', generally there is too much pain and hurt.
For a couple in an marriage where one is a alcoholic and the other is trying to hold on to sanity...... the expectation that separation and later divorce will be friendly will most likely be impossible.
Never the less you can choose to try to be fair and just in your interaction with her.
I don't know too many people who part as friends. I think someone would have to be very mature to do that and generally active alcoholics are not very agreeable.
Plenty of them walk away from relationships but generally they don't tie up all the loose ends. Expectations are everything when dealing with an alcoholic. I can't say it enough if they are an active alcoholic they will behave like one.
