My husband has been in treatment for 28 days and 7 days before that for alcohol detox.  He is coming on Tuesday August 7th.  I have visited him once a week and watched him slowly but surely show signs of recovery.  He has admitted that he has a problem and sincerly wants to be sober.  He wants to work hard to make this a priority to keep our family together.  I honestly felt that I have seem him change drastically over the past few weeks into the man that I once knew....until yesterday.  He has been up front and honest with me about the amount of drinking that he was doing once I found all the bottles and everything and he has been up front and honest with me about how hard it will be but how important it will be to him.  Yesterday however he lied to me about a credit card that he has.  If anything could go wrong this month it has, trust me, and I will spare you all the details but anyways our washer went out.  I had to call him to ask him for access to his credit card to purchase a new washer and dryer for our family.  He gave me every bit of the information that I needed willingly and without any kind of hesitation but ended the conversation by saying that he didnt want me to look too closely at the bills or charges on the card because my birthday present was charged on there and he wanted to surprise me.  This in itself sent red flags flying in the air to me because he was admitted a week prior to my birthday to detox and then immediately (on my birthday I might add) to treatment in a facility.  So I know my husband the last minute shopper so I knew that there was no way he would have charged my birthday present on it in the first place because he was in treatment.  As I said we have a very open and honest relationship, and he knows that I knew for a long time that he had a drinking problem but you cannot help someone that does not want help so I never pushed him, I let him come to the turning point where it was the only option for him and then suggested it was time.  He told me during detox and in treatment that the card that I asked for information to purchase our washer with was the card that he bought his "secret stash" of alcohol with, so I was well aware that there would be a lot of charges on the card for ABC stores across the state....didnt matter to me it is in the past and I can completely let it go but like I said he mentioned the birthday thing....that sent red flags up to me....I checked the card all the way back to August 2011 and there are no charges whatsoever for ANYTHING other than the liquor that he bought.  Again, I am not mad about the liquor charges at all, I  understand that he has a problem that will be a lifelong struggle and that does not matter to me I am willing to help him now that he wants help in any way that I can....but WHY tell a bold face lie about there being a charge on the card for my birthday present when there obviously wasnt a charge for one?  Don't think that this has anything to do with the fact that I did not get a present I could care less about a present, actually he gave me the best present he could ever give me and that was HOPE by entering a rehab facility on my birthday.  I dont care about the present or lack there of.  I care about the lie....if he is lying about this 20 some days into treatment, does that mean he is going to continue to lie when he comes home?  What do I do?  Do I just let it go and not mention it at all or do I confront him about it or what?  I also have all these people in my ear saying that I need to drive him everywhere (to work, to the store, etc.) for a while and that I also need to control all the money for a while.....I will do this if necessary, I dont mind at all, again I will help in any way that I can but do I need to baby him this way?  Or is this codependent behavior?  I do not want to do anything that would allow him to enter back into the trends of doing what he was doing but at the same time I do not want to exert so much control over him that he feels like his free will has been taken away, after all we all know that nothing can make him relapse but himself.  He is totally responsible after treatment for his recovery.  It is up to him to use the tools that he was given in treatment to get better....so long story short (which I know this one was pretty long but this is my first post, rant or anything to anyone about this) what should I do?  Should I just ignore the lie that he told me about the credit card?  Should I mention it and confront him?  And should I drive him around for a while and control the money?  I am very open and honest person so again this whole situation caught me completely off guard a couple of years ago so please help!  Thanks so much for all your guidance.....I am not doing Al-anon meetings yet, and the program he is in does not offer family counseling so I have no one to ask these vital questions to before he gets home....

I have no idea!!  That is what I am talking about...there was nothing on there but ABC charges!!  I have no clue...that is what blows me back, he knew that I knew about the charges so why would be make up a lie about a bday present being on there....would it possibly be he was ashamed of the amount of the alcohol that he had charged on there?  That is what I am saying...I have no clue....so strange to me...he did this one time around Christmas this past year and said that he had changed his bank account password for the same reason but he had no charge on there then either....I dont know if it possibly to keep me from looking at it going forward so that he can charge and I wont look because I think that a present or something special may be on there...I have no freaking clue...that is why I am asking to see if I should ask him or just ignore it...

I'm glad you have found us and that both of you are moving forward into recovery.  I hope you have found an Al-Anon meeting?  They say to try six because they are all different.  The disease sucks us into the insanity until we don't even know what's clear thinking and what isn't.  It sounds as if you have some good recovery already, but nobody should have to go through this alone.

My thought is that it doesn't matter whether you tell him about the credit card lie or not.  If he is moving forward in his recovery, he will stop trying to pass lies.  It could well be that he's embarrassed about how much alcohol is on there, and he's trying to keep you from reacting.  If he keeps on with recovery, his program will give him tools to cope with the shame.  However, if he doesn't keep on with longterm recovery -- and sadly, the disease is so strong that many don't -- you will know.  Nobody can hide the problem permanently.  So this one issue of the credit card will either snowball or not.  If this is just one sign that he's not trying to face up to things honestly, you will find out down the line whether or not the credit card thing had come to light.  I suppose it's a little worry in your mind, "Does this mean his recovery isn't strong enough to hold?"  But every partner of an alcoholic has that worry, and that's only natural.  Because recovery doesn't come with an automatic guarantee.  It's only proven in his longterm actions, and those can only be apparent in the long term.

I think Al-Anon would agree with you that his recovery is his responsibility and that you shouldn't be responsible for shepherding him around.  I think we all can testify to the fact that when an alcoholic is determined to drink, no amount of babysitting is going to prevent it.  And if he's determined to recover, the experience of leading normal life is something he needs.  He has the tools at his disposal to stay sober.  The people who suggest that you babysit him are probably like us when we usually come into the program -- determined that there must be some way we can control their drinking.  If that were true, there would be no alcoholics.

There's also the question of whether to mention the credit card thing or not.  That would depend on your situation and approach, and I imagine everyone's answer would be different.  It would also depend on whether you promised not to look.  I think if my partner had asked me not to look, I'd have to say, "I'm sorry, I can't promise that.  Our household is a joint enterprise and I need to understand our finances.  I will promise to try to understand that you've changed since you made those charges."  But if you did promise, if you bring it up, you'll have to own up to the fact that you broke your promise.  That's understandable, but it's another sign of the (understandable) breakdown of trust, and it complicates things.

I am curious about whether he ever charges things besides alcohol.  If he does, where are those charges?  Could it be that he has a hidden credit card account that you don't know about?  Could it be that the reason he didn't want you to look at this account is that you might say, "Wait a minute, you charge gas and groceries and a lot of things -- where are those charges?  Do you have a secret account somewhere?  Where is it and why is it secret?"  If the situation and secrecy are more complicated that you had thought -- well, that's something I would want to know.  But you're in the best position to know if it's likely that he ever charges things other than alcohol.

I hope you'll take good care of yourself and keep coming back.

I found alcoholics do lie.  In "Getting them Sober" the whole picture of what to expect from an alcoholic in recovery is pretty well laid out.

I think the expectations precede the obsession.  If I have high expectations for people I tend to go off when they don't meet it.  The whole issue of when and where is a good one.  I struggle with that a lot.  I have boundaries and if someone crosses them then I have a red alert program on.  At the same time I can't walk out on every situation I am in.

I don't let much go.  I watch, wait and listen.  I can only give you my ESH.  I choose when I will set the battle lines out.  When someone crosses a lot of lines with me there is a confrontation. With a recovering alcoholic there would not be much of a confrontation because I expect them to be a recovering alcoholic. At the same time I make a point of not relying on, not putting myself in a position where I have to rely on a recovering alcoholic for anything. 

I think we tread a very difficult rope when we are in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. For me in my ultra commitment mode that didn't work.  I have had to take back all the responsibility for my life and build self reliance.  My commitments to jobs, people and pets are very carefully weighed.  I take on little. I make few promises and I look for signs that it is working.

Above all I really work on what I am feeling, how I am feeling and where I am going.  Other people figure less and less into that equation.

Maresie.

Aloha Aanderson and a welcome from the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  The feedback you got is so very very valueable cause it comes from those who have been where you are at now.  Let me add...surprising!!  August 7 is a week away and trying to live it now is about the projection side of insanity.  I had to learn how to "not project" not "fortune tell"  with my attitudes and fear I was setting myself up. I had to learn to live in the moment...minute, hour, day.

 I learned a tool in Al-Anon which helped when when I thought my alcoholic/addict was lying and that was to ask...clamly, nicely, with understanding that she knew and I knew what lying was.   "Is that the truth or a lie"? and then walk away.  It took practice and I didn't ask it mean. 

 The fellowship who have responded to you here have years and years and hours and hours of learning and practicing this program.  We have come to understand what does and will work for us in our relationships with alcoholics and addicts.  The suggestion to get into the program is primary.  You will come to understand and know what you are up against with this disease and you have youth on your side because it has been my experience that the young get this faster and heal faster...just my experience.  There is a ton of literature all of which is helpful and in the process you have to do it for you and put your focus on you and take it off of him.  Get a power greater than Aanderson a God as you understand God and put that Higher Power in charge of everything that is you.  You'll learn soooo much more in the rooms of Al-Anon. 

Lying is a sign of fear...primarily.  If he is lying ask him what he is afraid about but only if you are sincerely interested and have compassion and empathy.  If you're feeling dominant...don't do it cause it won't help you or him.  More than likely it will lead to just another fight that can't be won without first giving up.

So get in the moment...let Aug 7 come when it comes...call the hotline number from the white pages of your local telephone book and get to the very first one you can.  Take an open mind and listen and learn cause in order to have what the fellowship has you're going to have to practice, practice, practice.  ((((hugs)))) in support  

Hi An, these are very good questions, very normal ones too. Yes reading Getting Them Sober is almost a vital read for me.

Ok Al Anons goal is to teach us to live our own life. What he does with his, is that, HIS. His disease, what he he does is none of our business.

Take a huge breath drop those elbows and blow it out and let go. You do not have to do anything. YOU do not have to question.

He is an addict, this is a disease, he is very ill and it is not curable. 28 days is nothing. I am sorry but it isn't. This is barely kindergarten for him. It takes years of recovery for most to get a good foundation with their recovery. Plus that means AA. Also most who have a strong recovery come out of rehab and go straight  to AA and do 90 meetings in 90 days. They need it, its medicine to them.

We go to Al Anon. We learn to look at what we want, what we need. How to make decisions, how to live with an addict.

We go to ala non and learn how to live with them, accepting them just how they are.

we leave it the same and be miserable.

or we leave.

We cannot expect them to change, ever. Being an addict is so much more than drinking or shooting up or whatever. That is only ONE symptom. Just stopping that can make it even worse with out AA.

As far as money, look what already happens. I always believe we must protect our home, our cars, our money. I would never not have an account that he or she could not get into. I would control the bills. An addict is very sick. We cannot ever depend on them. This is my experience.

We accept them as is and love them. Sometimes that is all we do. Many like to stay home, many in recovery are very tunnel visioned, meaning they have to have a very strict way of doing things as they are working so hard to stay on program.

They lie, they are selfish, they are manipulative, have low self esteem and that is what makes them blame everything on everyone else. They tell us we are crazy, they try to pull us down so they can control u.

In AA recovery they learn to be better people. Its sortof a map for them to go by. They are not used to thinking of anyone but themselves.

So we do what we do, work, plant flowers, ask them how they are, we don't do anything for them that they can do for themselves. He lost his license, Oh that must be hard what are you going to do? meaning him. He lost it, he can get a bus.

He is out of cigs well he can figure it out. He could always get alcohol, he can get himself whatever he needs. The more we let go the more he will grow up.

But mostly the better we will feel. this is  a disease of letting go.,

We can care, but put it right back on them. When they accomplish things, they mature. many of these men and women started drinking at 13, so they have the maturity of 13.

I hope this helps some. When he gets home, I just was happy to see him. I also just let him talk. I did nothing. They are like a baby learning to walk again. if we catch them if we carry them they will get nowhere right?

we have to do the opposite, they are barfing, they take care of themselves. They need money, they can work. this is a time they will try to not work and you will support him forever. For me it was work or get out. It is all for them. We love them so much we will hurt, to allow them to grow and heal.,

come here, we are always here, care, understand. we want to see you begin to ask ok what do I.....not he he he. It is very ok to vent too,don't get me wrong. you are here to heal too.

there are people on here who have been here 10 to 11 or more years! We have seen so many miracles! so many! I hope you come back.

love,debilyn