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How frustrated, disappointed and sad I am. My AH has been drinking again. He had a period of sobriety for about 3 months but as of last Thursday has found his way back to drinking. I am the primary in control of the finances so he has no way of buying liquor but I know if he wants to drink he will find a way...and he did.
We were separated for several months until recently, when we decided our own growth in our programs could allow us to live together again. Now, I don't know if he was really going to his meetings or not, but he told me he was and he legitimately seemed better, healthier, happier. The last couple of months were great between us but he wasn't going to meetings, he didn't have a sponsor and he wasn't doing anything to better himself. (He swore to me he was exercising and feeling good but showed no signs of doing so when he moved back in) I was never nagging or asking him to go to meetings, but I would ask him to join me on my walks with our dog and to exercise with me to get him up and moving. I feel like I've tried everything. I know I can't change him, and he can only change himself but I can't sit back and watch him give up on his health and his life. He's been hospitalized before, gone into cardiac arrest and brought back from this terrible disease. When is he going to hit rock bottom?! I've had enough...for my own sanity I can't continue down this path because I know what is out there for me. I know what I deserve and this life is not it. I don't want to feel like I am abandoning him but I feel abandoned...I know it's the disease and it's not his fault because he can't help it, but I certainly can't keep feeling this way.
Heather, sorry this is happening to you. I know it's disappointing to say the least. The degree to which an alcoholic can "help" their drinking is in debate. Yes - it would seem he has a disease and he cannot control that. He can put it in remission through through choosing recovery.
It would seem you are at the cusp of some major decision. All I can say there is trust your higher power and consult with your alanon support system.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. This disease is so awful on us all and has knocked me to my knees countless times. I know what it is to love someone more than they love themselves, but alas that is why I had to dettach and live my life the best I could without obsessing about my A's any longer. I hope you can read some good Al-anon literature "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, "Codependent No More" by Meldoy Beattie and daily reader's to keep your mind focusing on your own self care and control the things you can. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a sad truth that a high percentage of alcoholics do not achieve longterm sobriety. It's not the truth, though, that he can't help himself. He knows what choices he has to make to get better. He has the underlying problem -- alcoholism -- but he does have choices in how he deals with it. So you are not making decisions about a man who has no choices. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
There is an AA saying that is there is nothing worse than a drunk with a belly full of beer and a head full of AA. I hope you are taking care of yourself regardless of what he is doing as far as the drinking goes. It only matters that you are working a program of recovery .. he always has choices, one of those he is fully aware of that he can turn to the program of AA. It doesn't mean that it's easy to walk the walk and they do fall off the sobriety horse some more than others.
Keep the focus on you and take care of yourself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am so sorry to hear this. I can understand your upset, anger and pain.
I know I always felt the ex A was at death's door. Indeed, like your husband, he went there a few times, all attributable to this disease.
I struggled tremendously with the abandonment issue. The ex A was indeed very manipulative and could call on me to take care of him all the time.
It seemed to me that being focused on myself was a great wrong when he was so hell bent on destruction. He could so easily phrase it as something else.
I saw the documentaty Bill W the other night and really felt it when Lois Wilson was describing her relationship with Bill W as those two against the world.
I felt committed to saving the ex A so much I lost myself, my health, my finances and almost our pets too. Needless to say we did, like Lois and Bill lose our home in the process.
What I had to come to terms with was that I didn't abandon the ex A, he did, long before I met him.
He chose to take all those first drinks and drugs and I was nowhere in the picture then.
I know how upsetting this is, and I hate that anyone is going through it. My AH was sober for 8 months. The whole time he was, I knew that it could change at any minute. But, I did begin to get comfortable and believe that he was going to continue to stay sober. I was heartbroken when he started back. But, he will not seek treatment or go to AA meetings.
Anyway, I hope you hang in there and take care of yourself.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts. It has been a challenge for me but I think I'm going to try to make it on my own. I have read a lot of literature and will continue with my own journey in Al-Anon. It kills me that he's doing this to himself and I know he has choices to make but that's a huge part of his stubbornness and unwillingness to get himself help. His ego is too proud and he's too stubborn to take charge of his own life. (a lot of this has to do with his enabling mother) He hasn't had any real consequences for his actions. Mommy has always bailed him out of his terrible situations. She doesn't get it. I've tried to take her to meetings with me but she refuses to listen and is convinced she can make him stop.
I'm in tears thinking of the future and one day imagining being called to tell me that this disease has taken his life. He has so much to give the world and if only he could see that and take charge of his life. Take it back from the alcohol, he would be such an amazing man.
I will continue to take care of myself. I take great pride in being a strong woman. I won't let this take me down.
Thank you all so much again. I don't know what I would do without being able to talk about it judgement free. <3
