The material presented
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I am really struggling with detaching and still getting my needs met in my marriage. Detachment plays really well into my husbands inherent selfishness b/c
of his alcoholism (he is dry but not working his program). He is like "Great! You're detaching? Me me me me!" So how do I detach but not resent him b/c I do have needs, he knows what they are, but because he knows I am working the al anon program he feels like he doesn't have to worry about my needs now or try to meet them.
If you explain that a marriage still means that you meet each other's reasonable needs, and he still denies that he needs to step up to the plate, I think that unfortunately his answer is clear. It would mean he's not willing to be an available partner in the marriage. At that point we have two choices. We can concentrate on ourselves and other ways to get needs met while staying married. For instance, finding warm friends who will give us that sense of companionship; putting our energies into something meaningful such as volunteering for a cause we're passionate about, etc. Or we can separate from the person and leave our lives open to finding other people who are available to meet our needs. Different people have been able to make different ways work. My guess is that the saying 'Nothing changes if nothing changes' is applicable here as always. Hugs.
Thanks. Specifically my needs are around affection and sex. Cant get that from friends! Lol.
I like to be held and to be intimate in the morning and he wants to go work out every morning.
I spoke with him this morning in a loving way and he got angry. I laughed and said "poor guy, your wife wants regular sex in the morning."
I decided to make it clear that detaching doesnt mean my needs dissapear and that i dont take up space in the marriage.
Will let you know how he responds.
LOL, just had to come on and say that my AH would be all over that one! Sex is something that I struggle with because I don't trust him and I am trying to detach from his behavior. I guess, in detaching, I've pulled away physically and intimately from our marriage and it's something I need to pray about. As a result, he hasn't gotten any for a few months now.
I know that a lot of people in early recovery aren't that into sex and intimacy, just basing that on things I've heard in Al Anon and on message boards. I'm sure you'll get other responses because I know I haven't had much to add, LOL!
I think every relationship has ways in which the partners differ, but the key is in whether you can talk about the differences gently and compassionately. That's even harder to do when there's a history of disappointment over a wide spectrum. It's a challenge for anyone. And A's aren't known for their ability to empathize with others, and we partners of A's aren't known for our skill in knowing when to take responsibility and when not to. I hope you can find a good way forward.
My first thoughts are wondering if the alcohol is inhibiting his ability to meet your needs and he's ashamed - and the other is going back to focusing on us and meeting our own needs. Now, not recommending you go out and cheat on him but maybe find another outlet for now and see if you can open up the discussion at a non-threatening time? The relapse my BF just had a few weeks back, that actually was something I learned, before I realized he'd been drinking (he relapsed while we were camping, had a drink, was not drunk yet) he couldn't perform and chalked it up to being tired and back pain. Then it made sense the next night when I realized he'd relapsed.
Tough situation and detaching is hard. I do well with something and then find a brand new area I'm not doing well in and have to tackle that one.
The ex A was indeed thrilled when I first detached. The issue was that I detached and then worked on me. I put aside the needs of the relationship because sure enough the ex A did not come through on many of them. Detachment allowed me to put that aside for a while but yes it was certainly there.
I was able to not react to his selfishness and his joy at me not being on his case all the time. Sure enough the disease of alcoholism is such that when he needed rescuing I could view it in a different light.
I am glad you are here and asking such great questions.
The oddest thing happened when I started going to AlAnon and began detaching. My now ex AH 's drinking ESCALATED..it was like he just couldn't live with the detaching and had to act worse andworse so that I would give him attention..like a child..any attention is better than no attention....as I said he is now my EX!!
I'm relatively new to al-anon but can relate to what you're describing. Detachment has worked ... but I feel grief for the loss of intimacy. The A in my life is my partner, she drinks every day, a 'secret' bedroom drinker. I don't feel attracted to her when she's drinking (obviously), how you can feel intimate or attracted when they are sober and yet you still see them in that way (they may have no memory of what's been going on the previous night). It feels like a recurring nightmare to me.
I miss the intimacy. Why should I feel this way? Why should I give up with emotional side to my humanity. Why should I put up with someone who is emotionally unavailable to me?
but maybe find another outlet for now and see if you can open up the discussion at a non-threatening time? The relapse my BF just had a few weeks back, that actually was something I learned, before I realized he'd been drinking (he relapsed while we were camping, had a drink, was not drunk yet) he couldn't perform and chalked it up to being tired and back pain. Then it made sense the next night when I realized he'd relapsed.