The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Alanon is for families and friends of alcoholics. You are welcome there! I don't know of "closed" Alanon meetings. Usually Alcoholics Anonymous is the program that has both "closed" and "open" meeting. The closed ones are not open to non alcoholics. Hope this helped you some. You are not alone... we ourselves are in the in person Alanon meeting rooms waiting to welcome you. :) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 30th of July 2012 09:59:04 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 30th of July 2012 10:00:01 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Closed means that AA members are not allowed to attend the meeting. A "closed" women's meeting means that only women should attend. Hope this helps you get to a meeting as soon as possible. Try to attend at least six meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is a good fit for you. Sending you lots of support!
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 30th of July 2012 11:34:33 PM
I just found this forum in my soul searching... After 18 years of marriage and living with my husbands multiple addictions (alcohol 26 years ago, gambling, weed) and accompanying bouts of depression, I told him that I want a divorce. We have three teenage children and I don't want them to continue to see that I believe this behavior is acceptable. He has been in and out of treatment and counseling but always quits. He has now started drinking again and is going to AA. He blames our situation for this and tells me that this time he understands what I have been trying to say and wants to change but that I now won't give him hope. I feel so guilty and I feel like I'm abandoning him but I just can't do this anymore. I have been through different types of counseling to help me understand why I continue to accept the behaviors and I want to focus on me now. I am looking for any kind of advice to help me through this
Aloha mmerc...the best and only suggestion I can from my own experiences is call the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and find the meeting places and times we get together face to face and come running. My first wife was an addict and my second relationship an alcoholic and then I married and alcoholic/addict. Something wrong with me...I had no idea I came from within the disease of alcoholism so I didn't know that I didn't know and didn't know anything about how to undo my part in my problem. That is where Al-Anon came into my life and helped me change. Yes the alcoholic needs to change also in order to save their own lives but it is not necessary for you to. MIP is also a fantastic source of compassionate support and workable wisdom. Go get the phone number and call it and then get to a face to face meeting as early as you can. They are free, last for an hour or so, you can sit and just listen and get much literature a lot of it also free. Al-Anon is world-wide so you are not going thru the problem alone. We do understand. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
Yes, a person can change. My RA ex-husband has made significant changes and continues to change. He drank from age 14 or 15 all the way up to 60. It took him a long time to hit his bottom, which was a little over a year ago.
I know how it feels to want to leave and being burdened with guilt and a sense of abandoning the person that you vowed to stand by through think and thin. I stayed in my alcoholic marriage for 36 years. Each year got progressively worse.
Have you tried Al-Anon meetings in your area? If not, I want to give you a gentle nudge in that direction. Check it out and see how it reasonates with you. Al-Anon has helped a great number of people shed their negative feelings, and instead, support them on showing them how to take care of themselves.
Others will join in and provide you support. Again, welcome!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Welcome! If this board is your first acquaintance with the Alanon program, you may want to try some in person Alanon meetings before divorcing him. You can't change him but you may change because of this program. He may change too. It happens! Keep coming back, keep sharing. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I have not tried Al Anon. I researched it tonight and don't know what a "closed" meeting means. Most of them appear closed so I'm not sure if I can just walk in.. That is, if I have the courage to walk in alone.
Welcome here and I'm glad you reached out for help. I came here and to face to face meetings wondering if my alcoholic husband could ever change. But I learned over time that it was me that I could change with the help of my Higher Power. Whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not, you may find happiness and serenity. I know of many cases where the alcoholic also found the strength and courage to get help for themselves, but that is not our job. Ours is to help ourselves so that we may find peace and serenity. Please keep coming back and learn from others how you may help yourself.
In my experience, a closed meeting is for anyone that has a "qualifier" in their life that is an addict, or alcoholic. I have gone to open meetings and there are often students there that are required to attend 12 step meetings for school. When I was in nursing school we had to attend a few open meetings, either AA, or whatever. If you have an alcoholic husband then you are more than welcome to attend a closed meeting. =) You should go. They have tissue boxes everywhere. Most people that come in the first time are a total mess, and breakdown crying. But, they make you feel so welcome, loved, and you feel like you belong. xxoo.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
That's the scariest for me, is I know I will bread down and cry when my mouth opens. Iv'e been to 2 f2f mtgs, but haven't spoken except to introduce myself. I'm not really a 'shy' person, but I HATE TO CRY in front of anyone, and I can cry if the wind blows......
Who likes crying and being hurt? Alanon and AA are safe places to be human. You are under no obligation to keep your "hurt" under wraps as that is the reason (one of them) that you are going there. Alanon is something to do for yourself though and not to "give him hope." That statement is controlling and guilting. He, like all of us in life, have to find hope from our own higher power - or through our own journeys. Making you the only person that can give him "hope" is selfish and controlling. The guilt you feel for being responsible for that "hope"....That's assuming you have power over his alcholism - which you don't.
There is a really good book and highly recommended, Getting them sober by Toby Rice Drew .. there are many great quotes in that book that mean a great deal. It's not alanon approved lit however it should be. It's been a life line for me dealing with the A in my life.
Agreed don't worry about the crying it's the safest place to cry and trust me everyone and I can't stress enough everyone has been there done that and still do it from time to time. No one is going to laugh or judge you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
People in AA are well versed in dealing with a member who still drinks. I think its good that he is seeking help.
I do know the book Getting them Sober is an excellent reference to the idea of someone approaching sobriety. For me expectations are everything. Around a alcoholic, addict in full relapse mode I expect them to act like an alcoholic. I can't tell you how long it took me to really get that. In Al anon we adopt the three C's, we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it.
Can people change.... gee I hope so... for my own sake. I feel I have changed in the last year or so. As far as others go.. yes I believe they can, not always for the better. Can I change them.......... nope CAn I change me.... yep
