The material presented
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level.
I live in Montana in a small college town. We have 8 meetings total: Monday noon, Tuesday noon, Tuesday evening all womens group, Wednesday noon, wednesday evening, thursday evening, Friday noon and Saturday morning. There are three times as many AA meetings around here. Now, I have a few issues that are really getting to me. First is the fact that some alcoholics "graduate" out of AA and start coming to Al Alon. The two programs run very differently from one another in terms of the approach. The men coming into the rooms seem to think they run the show, use their alcoholic charm and bark out orders and verbally and physically out act their disagreements when a woman al anon member says something they don't like. I've decided to just stop going to the meetings that these men go to. But, once again, I have to change my life around just for them. Another issue: there are no groups specifically for ACOA. I'm sitting in these rooms with women very much like my mother. I hear these women talk about their kids, teens, adult children, who are struggling with the same things I have- anger, rage, depression, suicidal ideation, resentment, etc and down talk their kids. How in the world can I just say what is in my mind and heart and be open and honest when they are down troding the very things I am struggling with? I'm frustrated. I want to do the step work and have no problem meeting with my sponsor once a week, doing the steps and reading literature. I'm having a problem going to meetings with alcoholics and with my mother's clones. I know that once I grow in the program these things will get easier but until then, i'm just not there yet and quite frankly and getting really irritated. I almost threw the collection basket this morning when the alcoholic handed it to me and literally took my hands holding the basket and physically forced me to pass it on. Help me here! Please! I'm not ready to give up yet, I just can't put up with their 'xxxx' any longer, not in those rooms.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Saturday 28th of July 2012 08:00:59 PM
Hi Rebecca, Welcome. I am sorry you have had these bad experiences. I can relate. I allowed unrepentent AAs to run me out of the only non-smoking AlAnon meeting in my town, back in the day. Can you speak to your sponsor and some of the others about having a Group Consciousness meeting? I think there are enough Traditions, etc., to cover this. I know how raw and hurt you feel. As has been said many times, we went though it/are going through it conscious and sober and in so many ways are more vulnerable than many of the As, bless them. You'll get lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope from people on this board who have a lot of recovery, including our AAs who are also AlAnons. Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Group conscience meetings are great...The group is what run the meetings anyway...we have no leaders. I'm a double and there are more than a handful of doubles who attend both AA and Al-Anon on this side of the island and they pretty well stay with the principles. I started in Al-Anon first so was working on issues other than alcohol when I started entering both rooms. For me I've always be one to step up and speak up. I prefer private conversations regarding suspect behavior however I will and can be more direct in the group meaning what I say and not saying it mean. It takes commitment, attendance, practice and using the slogan "take what you like and leave the rest". It's okay to confront the subject matter with love rather than the subject speaker with anger.
Great post...important. Some alkies don't get sober...they get perfect. LOL (((hugs))) keep coming back.
they say in recovery principles before personalities, something I have to try and remember is that all people in recovery have been hurt by alcoholism wheather they are the drinker , the partner , the parent the child et. I can not truley understand how it has impacted another. When a member shares how drinking affected their childhood this really helps me to understand my childre and the affects on them, if you share honestly you may really help some of these woman you mention. The thing i most hate about alcoholism is we all get very angrey and hurt and turn on each other, then the disease wins. I hear so much angre and hurt in your share, I am glad you have found al anon. I am angrey at times with my Abf but thank god al anon reminds me it is a disease. I am guilty at times at the impact on my children, but al anon helps me to see that alcoholism was attackig me I was sick and lost I did the best I could in the situation.
There are Aa members who attend some of my meetings, once sober they need to deal with how their parents or partners alcoholism has impacted them, I find that alot of these members know a lot about recovery as you memtion AA is a lot stronger than al anon. If you are not happy with how the meeting is running I agree with Gerry call ameeting, you have a right to air your feeling however its not what we say but how we say it i ask Hp to hold my hand and speak through me when I am stuck.
I have had problems along the way in groups and with people but I try not to let it get in the way of my recovery or the disease wins again, we are all sick and doing the best we can
Sounds like you might want to invite someone at the district level to attend your group conscience meeting and offer a suggestion of two if asked. You know we can't expect other members to behave in ways that suit us but if people are acting out like you described that would be considered disruptive and dominating. You have a right to feel safe in an Alanon meeting. Of course these behaviors aren't exclusive to alcoholics. As far as the collection basket, an easy solution might be to sit far away from that guy. Also, what meeting members share is where they are at in their recovery not necessarily where you or I are at in our recovery. All I can do is listen for the message as it relates to me that my higher power is sending and share what I need to share to keep progressing in my own recovery. I hope you don't give up your meeting unless you would prefer another one. It may be hard to believe now but six months from now you may see these people differently. Thanks for sharing. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 29th of July 2012 08:41:35 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I have ventured over here from AA (and am a man)...I am sure I am guilty of some of the things you discussed, but folks have been very patient with me and I am grateful for that. I never mean to harm. If I had to sit in a room full of alanoners when it was a newcomer in AA, I would have wanted to kill all of you. AA is very different than alanon. It is more direct and people "call you out on your XXXX" because it's more assumed that you have a busted thinker and your way is not working at all. Also, the only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking. That is not a requirement for Alanon, nor a goal. Hence, at the core - you don't meet the criteria for AA membership and that will always create some feeling of not belonging I suppose. In alanon, folks are typically more gentle and provide loads of support, info, and tools while you figure things out at your own pace. Not sure what to tell you other than I would seriously try and find as much direct alanon experience as you can before venturing more into open AA. Perhaps a really strong alanon sponsor would even things out.
I too have experienced what you describe in your post , being anywhere near an alcoholic in my early days of recovery only brought out the worst in me . today I feel very differently I have developed a good friendship with several dual members in our area , yeah we dont think alike and yeah occasionally we tick each other off but big deal we get over it . dont let anyone stop you from going to meetings you once enjoyed keep going be patient and continue to share how you feel . We are all trying to recover from the same disease . As a mother of adult children raised in our homes I suspect some of thier problem may be hearing a adult child like yourself share your pain , for that few min you are our child and as you share you help me to understand how my own sons may have felt growing up in our home it's painful to hear but I need to hear it . One of the biggest lessons I have learned here is that for one hour I can tolerate almost anything and anyone and as it says in our literature I can learn to love them in that special way showing acceptance for where thier at in thier own recovery . I no longer take shares from AA members personally its not about me . Louise
Pinkchip, these are al anon meetings, not open aa meetings, I wouldn't expect anything different in open aa meetings, but not al anon.
As several people mentioned, al anon and aa are very different. I wouldn't necessarily say that aa is more direct than al anon but I will say that it is more rigid
I accidentally hit the post button and wasn't finished.
Anyways, AA is understandably more rigid than al anon. In AA you either quit drinking or you die, or you spend the rest of your life behind bars. It's now or never. Al Anon isn't like that. For some it can be but generally it isn't. It's about gaining awareness in self, it's about learning to be gentle with ourselves because others have been abusive and we've learned to treat ourselves the same way. In AA it's understandable that the program and steps need to be used with force, but not in al anon. You can't force recovery, you can't force yourself to be something you're not. Force and control... Al Anon is about learning to be gentle with ourselves. When the alcoholics, in this cases I'm talking about very long time members, come to an al anon meeting they treat it the same way and expect everyone else around them to do the same and when they don't they very loudly make rude and offensive replies. CONTROLLING is the word that describes them. I've been submitting but don't know if I can do it much longer.
"Doormat, doormat, doormat, Landmine."
I don't want to blow up. It's one of the reasons I found an online support forum.
Someone mentioned that they will sometimes say what they have to in a meeting rather than pulling the other off to the side. I have done this before. My words: "The program is not a weapon and I will not allow anyone to use it against me as such." Also, "...i can't change other people's perspective about me..." If I try to talk to these two guys I will not be heard, I will not win. They will squash me. I've been squashed enough.
Who do I go to to call a group conscience? How do I do that?
As far as evetything else, I can live with. My mother is a pill head, addicted to prescription medication. As far as I'm aware, most of the women in al anon are not but I know that I still offend quite a few of them. "personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity." I'm the minority, not the majority. The majority of the vote usually wins.
The traditions are a joke. No one follows them.
and anyone and as it says in our literature I can learn to love them in that special way showing acceptance for where thier at in thier own recovery . I no longer take shares from AA members personally its not about me . Louise