The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the core issues I had with the ex A and all A's and addicts really was their inability to say No. I would set a limit and they'd test it to the ceiling. They resented, loathed and scapegoated me for daring to say no.
After a couple of years of working on No and meaning it I am able to see that I had my own inability to hear no. I can think of at least one friendship that was ruined by it. Someone who said no to me and I absolutely refused to hear it. Indeed I believe in so many ways my relationships with all the alcoholics/addicts has been about my inability to hear "no". I definitely didn't want to be in reality and in so many ways their behavior was a "no" to any possibility of stability and intimacy but I refused to hear it or acknowledge it.
I spent years battling the ex A about his complete lack of stability, financial recklessness and parasuicidal behavior. I could not let go. I saw letting go as the ultimate failure. Indeed there were times when I felt absolutely sucidal about the idea of having to give up. The upstart is that I was really unable to accept reality. I had my heart and mind set on that he was going to live up to all my expectations. I was always so obessed with abandonment and felt he abandoned me at every turn. In reality he was never "there" on any level in the first place. He wasn't there when I was sick. He behaved really terribly every time I was really ill. He wasn't there on my birthday, any holiday, he couldn't go through a holiday away without running home to "use". He wrecked our home. He did projects like install a gas line in the back yard and nearly killed me by allowing it to leak. He had some idea that he was going to make a special built in barbecue area with a sink. Of course he never did that but he made a huge mess that the landlord was livid about instead. He crashed our cars all the time. I spent every penny I had to try to help him when I felt he needed assistance and he turned around and destroyed every penny I had. He neglected our dogs to the point they were emaciated and traumatized. He couldn't be counted on for anything but to cause chaos and pain and anger. Whenever I needed him he wasn't there.
I had a few real good red flags when I met him that he wasn't going to be there for me. I didn't know what to do about them. Now when I see the red flag with a friend or neighbor or whoever I see it, acknowledge it and act on it. I don't just bury it as I used to.
I know there were good reasons I was not able to accept a "no" in my life. I had to live in denial as a child. I had no choice about it. Coming out of that denial took a lifetime.
These days I do hear "no's" I accept them. I take action on them. I protect myself what I am so sad about is most of my life I had no one to protect me, guide me or help me to see where I was.
I loved reading your journey this am, and I could identify with how very perfectly you explained living in our denial, and then changing all of that and arriving at where you are now today, a strong beutiful brave woman, you have come such a long way my friend, I had a conversation about not knowing what I was getting myself into at the tender age of 19, and all there is to say about that is I didn't know I didn't know, just like you I tried to change a person to fit my needs and really thought I could lol, I like knowing I know now, and even though I have less time to live life with a changed attitude I have a wealth of experience that I can always fall back on and that keeps me pushing forwards, I have no excuse now I know I know, and the responsibility of who I am and how I behave is entirely my own, and I never had that luxuary before, it's great, I am a slow learner always have been, but so long is you get there in the end is all that matters, to experience the joy of life through your own eyes, YES YES YES Maresie, your brilliant and your helping to guide and protect me, so goes the saying? you can choose your friends but not your family, love you lots.
Thank you for sharing, Maresie. I, too, have a problem saying no but I have no problem hearing others tell me no. Saying NO is something I really have to practice and work on. Thanks for sharing!
