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Uuuggghhh. Just had a consultation with a divorce lawyer today. I'm feeling pretty sad that marriage to AW is heading this way. She doesn't know I went to see a lawyer, for all I know, she's already seen one herself. About a month ago we both agreed we couldn't live this way any longer. I have been working on myself with Alanon, she has been drinking "less". She is still acting the same, just not passed out as much. That to her is acceptable. That to me is not. The lying, cheating, drinking & all the other alcoholic chaos has taken it's toll.
I'm surprised how calm I am. I actually feel a bit of serenity. By me not reacting to her chaos, I am able to slow down & think calmly & clearly. But I am still sad, I guess that is normal. I know I cannot live this way forever. I can deal with it today but I want more out of life than "dealing with it". More than working on myself to deal with a broken marriage with me being the only one capable of working on the marriage. I feel so alone, I think I would rather be lonely.
So I am taking steps towards a divorce. I have a lot to think about & wait for guidance. Patience. Who knows, maybe she will find & embrace recovery! Probably not, she seems content with her new "moderated" drinking life. We have not been happy for many years, her drinking escalated my codependency, my codependency escalated her drinking and on and on and on. I have ended my part in the cycle, at least slowed it down to slow, slow crawl. I still have work to do, but I am learning. I am also learning I don't have to live like this with a person incapable of giving me what I need. I know it is the disease that is stopping it, but that is not my disease to cure.
The outlook for the divorce looks about what I thought it would. We have no kids, no assets, only debt. If she can look at it realistically, I'll keep the house & the debt, she'll walk away. Pretty straight forward & with her also not wanting to stay in the marriage I'm hoping she will. But she is an A & anything can happen. Things will happen as they are meant to I guess.
Ten years ago I would have never imagined that this is what I would be doing today. Just goes to show you can't predict the future. Lesson learned!
17 years we've been together. That's half my life. I always imagined us as a happy old couple lovingly bickering about how stupid I am & how she's always right. Not that we would genuinely believe either.
On with my recovery, one step at a time. What else can I do, right?
I love it when that feeling of serenity washes over me - it tells me that my decisions/actions were exactly what my soul needed. My HP tosses some really large boulder in the middle of my path, challenging me to climb over them and come out on the other side a healthier person.
i can relate to being with an alcoholic most of my life. I have had a series of relationships with different people, all them tremendously committed.
These days I choose to be alone. Or rather I choose to wait and see around so many relationships. I don't commit in the first sentence anymore.
I am so glad you are here and reaching out and taking steps. I know making a plan be helped me tremendously in looking at what it meant to separate. I also know my own plan b was incredibly rudimentary.
Good for you! You realize that only one person working on a relationship does not a relationship make...it's an impossible situation. It seems to me that it is always the prson that is working on the realtionship that is unhappy and wants out. You are young and have a long time to rebuild, redefine and remake your life...and you will! I left a 30 year marriage and am extemely content...yes, even happy! Love living alone, being responsible for myself, and the predictability of my life is wonderful. It takes time and working through the sadness and the loss of what you had and where you THOUGHT you were going..but it is doable and worth it...AlAnon is invaluable in the journey...
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in the same position. I am not quite ready to "pull the trigger" on the divorce, but having everything ready is a very comforting feeling. Everyone says I will know when it is time. I guess I will. Until then, I muddle through. Some days are better than others. My thoughts are with you. I know how it feels to want something you might never get out of a marriage. Good luck and trust your heart.
Keep on keeping on Country Boy...What else can you do?? The alternatives are endless and it is the consequences we have to live with. I've been where you are at several times. I didn't do just one alcoholic or alcoholic/addict...I went for my doctorate on the subject and then on my second trip thru the doors of Al-Anon decided to allow myself to be led by the fellowship. I gave up trying to determine for myself so went for what was "suggested" When I first arrived the fellowship in Cenval Ca. was talking about no major decisions (divorce is one of those) for two years after arriving. We were separated (several times) and during the last separation I self focused on changing what I could about myself. With my sponsors I tackled the questions regarding "what's my part in it all" and went after amending my behaviors. I still am and also I am in a marriage that has lasted longer than the two before it where my spouses were addicted women (if nothing changes...nothing changes). My current spouse is in this program also and still its "her program" not mine. Like the ending statement for our meetings..."We aren't perfect..." in or out of the program and the program makes it all doable inspite of our imperfections or maybe because of them. I am not my spouses higher power and the other way around. She doesn't try to construct mine and I don't do that for her either. We live our own programs and respect each others work at it. One of the consequences of self focus in my past marriage was that when I got off of her back my former spouse sought recovery in a large rehab. How she did it became my metaphor for humility and when she was done she was sober. She did a 9th step with me as I had done with her and when it was time for me to come back home to the place where my soul was created HP had us meet for what might be the very last time...we greeted, hugged and felt deep love and compassion for each other and what we had been thru and no justification to be married. We had got it backwards from the start and right in the end...amazing how this program works. We went on with building our own lives and being responsibile for that.
I'm in support. I wish you commitment to your recovery and the strength and persistence to arrive there.
WOW . . Ditto Country Boy. Thought I did it different this time. We have also been miserable for many years. Met sober both of us. I stayed in the program he did not. He a Dry Drunk and I just kept hoping it would be different. Alot of talk about how we can't live like this and we kept doing it. I too went to an attorney but not to Alanon until the day came when he yelled at me and finally I yelled back "get out". So he did and I crawled into Alanon. Now I am on my knees hoping it will be different. I doubt it will. I'm the only one doing anything different. In the books, going to meetings and asked a lady today if she would be my sponsor. 33 years in AA and this is more painful and full of hopelessness. It's been 7 months of separation and doing the "dance" together over the phone about how we really want to try and make it together. WHY? . . . Then he tells me he's been drinking, just a few of course and he doesn't think he is an A. He was 17 years sober. I've never known him using. We have been married 12 years. This isn't the life I want. So just end it I say to myself . . . but I haven't been able to . . . I haven't been able to make any decisions. Sell the house, find homes for the critters, move? Finish the divorce? He says leave the house empty bring some of the animals and we will see how it goes. I already know how it will go. Miserable when sober will not make happy while he's drinking. I have been committed to my recovery for a long time and it is ever changing. I am an entirely different person than when I started this journey and I am grateful but I am very, very sad about what is happening now. Very stuck and don't know what to do next.
The footwork for me is what made the difference in knowing what I needed to do next. I like the saying when in doubt don't. When it feels right then I know I am on the right path. I just know I couldn't continue doing what I was doing because the outcome was very painful. When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I did something about it. My stbax, has the same choice .. I need to keep living and not waiting on hope that he's going to change. He has his own growth to go through and I can't sit and watch him destroy his life, while he takes me and the kids with him.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
