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Thank you both for your words. Pink I cleaned out my medicine cabinet 2 weeks ago after realizing pain meds I had from surgery in March were missing. All old scripts were tossed and the three bottles of scripts that I needed to hang on to are now locked in my car.
Sadly, I quickly went through my jewelry box this morning and took my better pieces of jewelry out and they also are locked in my car. The "mad money" got locked in my car last night. I shouldn't have to do these things to protect myself.......but I have to protect myself and not provide any means for him to get cash for his addictions.
He called me this morning, I am at work. When I saw it was him my heart started racing....but I did not answer. He is at home and probably wants something!
-- Edited by Neesabean on Thursday 26th of July 2012 09:47:32 AM
-- Edited by Neesabean on Thursday 26th of July 2012 09:47:49 AM
you're telling my story!! I discovered one day that my jar of ''emergency money'' was empty - There had to be between $3-400 in that bottle. I never thought in my wildest dreams that my child would steal from me...then I found liquor store charges on my debit card!! A few days ago, A son ask if he could borrow $20 for gas to get to work - I told him I didn't have any cash, sorry...but he could have the $4-5 of change that was in a cup on the shelf. He didn't go near it so later I checked and discovered that he had already hit that cup - it was empty. $4-5 isn't a biggie but damn it, it's the principal of the matter...kwim.
We've discussed this at length with son and as expected he shows tremendous amt of guilt and shame for his actions. He even stated that he feels so ashamed when he sees me carry my purse into the bedroom instead of setting it next to my desk where it's always been. He made a tearful promise that he'll never touch my purse again and I know he thinks he won't but I've gotta cover myself & my own needs -- because I know that if/when he goes on another binge, the alcohol becomes his God and nothing will matter expect getting that next bottle of booze....
We hadn't had a major issue with drugs but after my husband's heart surgery in June, I did notice the his pain meds were missing about 6 pills and I know hubby didn't take them. So that bottle of meds is in hiding along with my purse and debit cards.
My neighbors & close friends have a 25yr old son that is heavily into street drugs - has been in & out of jail a few times, been thru recovery programs but he doesn't have the desire to get better. When he was out on probation he told my son that he was just waiting for his probation(routine drug testing) to end so he could use again. His parents had been in a state of denial on how to handle it up until they found that all their power tools were missing from their tool shed. They went to the extent of installing a lock on their bedroom door to protect important stuff then finally they kicked him out for good. The kid lives on the street and comes around his parents house every now & them - he looks like a walking skeleton from his drug use. One time, he was found passed out in an alley very near death. He was on life support for about a week and we all hoped that he'd learned a lesson but nope, he's right back at it. His father is very ill, is on dialysis and very, very ill but that has no effect on their son because the drugs are his God (demon) and has more power over him that his parents love.
It is so disheartening and painful to watch our children go thru addictions but being adults, they have to want a better life for themselve - we can't do it for them.
ETA: I had been keeping a supply of sandwich fixings for the kid to make his lunch and after the theft, I stopped doing that. He's been sober for a couple of wks now and working and guess what....he stocked the fridge with lunch meat & bread --- with his own money.
-- Edited by Path to Serenity on Thursday 26th of July 2012 11:08:23 AM
So......I know my son is an addict. I have accepted this fact and am beginning to learn how to deal with it. Up until now I have always believed he was a good person with bad habit. I guess he is still a good person but has begun (or hidden very well) the things that cross the line into....what....bad things? Straight up.....I think he stole from me. I guess I was blinded by the fact that he wouldn't do that to his mom.....but I think I need to reevaluate that thought.
He asked me the other day to stop and pay on his fine....he gave me $20, so I did. He doesn't drive, and is paying his "dues", so I helped him by going to pay....maybe I shouldn't have....then he would get arrested????? Maybe that's wht i needed to do? I read on here to let things happen??? So anyway I go to pay the fine....it's for retail theft???? WTF?????? Theft? are you kidding me? Oh that was a misunderstanding he told me, it was from back when his friend Noodle got in trouble yada yada yada yada.......Ok at the time I believed him about 3-1/2% but whatever.
So yesterday I went to dip into some "mad" cash I had been sticking away for vacation, and although I didn't have an accurate count of what was there, I'm pretty sure there was a lot more stuck away. It hit me.....like a brick...he freaking stole from me! I hate to jump to that conclusion because like I said I'm not sure how much money was there......but.....Oh Lord.......my little boy (26 years old) stole from me....he was NOT brought up that way....my heart is broken. I cannot deny what is right in front of me any longer.
Now tht I have begun to face this situation and learn about the disease, and read, and YES, I've hit 2 meetings, things are beginning to come to the surface. Have they always been there and I have denied them? Probably!
Is this my HP (which I'm still working on these initial steps) showing me what I need to see?
UGH! Oh welll....here it is loni...what ya gonna do about it. Funny thing though....last night my hubby and I were out and the A called, which usually means he needs a ride somewhere....and I said to my hubby, you don't have to answer it...he calls him if I dont answer (I don't hear my phone ring). I told my husband I learned that at my meeting todya...I don't have to nswer the phone... Hubby says "I've been telling you that for years!!!!!!!!!!!!" Oh well, my response to him was I needed to hear that from another mom to make it okay!
This disease is relentless. I can so identify with the depth of pain of this new awareness's. Please remember the disease of alcoholism will do anything to support the habit and that is why we, in alanon must begin to face reality and learn how to "focus on ourselves".
.
I found that HP did begin to lift my denial once I found alanon I believe that is because alanon was offering me new and better tools to live by. Not answering the phone was huge!!!
Keep coming back here and attending your meetings. You and your family are worth it.
Neesa - not much to add because I think you are really progressing with going to meetings and being open minded. However, just remember that alcohol and/or drug cravings are intense and they cloud a person's judgment. I went into other peoples medicine cabinets and stole their meds figuring they would never miss them. Those are things I did when drunk. I wasn't raised that way either. It's pretty attrocious when I look back on it. This is not an excuse for immoral behaviors - but it is sort of an explanation....
Wow....same story different house!!!!!!!!! (((((()))))) to you!
Funny stuff.......I also quit stocking the fridge and going grocery shopping. He sits at home all day and night eating everything......I can't afford this! He's 26 and can't keep a job!
How old is your son? My husband wants to kick him out. I am so torn, I think I should, convince myself of it, and then back up and don't. This time around I turned to Al-anon. I'm trying to get some clarity and make a sound decision instead of just agreeing with my husband like I usually do. I DO NOT want to resent my husband for a choice I make!!!!! (I just realized that!)
It is fear holding me back, fear that he'll end up like your neighbors kid.......but that would be his choice right? God he used to be such a smart kid, now its all gone, he can't remember anything, he'll tell me the same thing 20 times in a couple hours????? Hey maybe thats why he eats so much....he forgot he already ate. That's not funny because he also forgets he turned on the oven, or microwaves stuff for 20 minutews insead of 1 minute.....the toaster oven gets leftover pizza that eventually shrivvels up to nothing because he forgets about it. I could go on and on....you know!
My son is 43 - and yeah, it sux!!! I don't mind keeping the fridge stocked when he's working and contributing but when he spends his money on booze - then we have a problem. Haven't had a problem with appliances left on but I have found his key ring (my house & car keys included) left laying on the front porch - that makes me feel really safe......NOT!! I've only caught him driving drunk once and that was a couple of wks ago - caught him coming back from the liquor store (last minute run before last-call) I took the keys away and told him he gets to use my vehicle ONLY when he's going to a job and he better be sober when he returns or he'll be hitching rides in the future. That creates a major problem for him because he can't do his job without the truck (he's an independent roofer/home remodeler/handyman)
For a long time, I was afraid to confront my son but after doing it a couple of times it got easier. I declared my boundaries and let him know that if he crosses those boundaries, he will be a street person - by choice!! In fact, one time I told him that he was no better than the neighbor's kid and that made him cry - so sad, too bad - fact is fact so accept it or change it -- again, his choice.
Gosh, I sound like the wicked witch of the west, don't I!!
Not answering the phone is a huge impact. I used to call the ex A non stop at least 20 times a day in order to not feel so out of control around his actions. He would disappear for days at a time.
My son is not allowed to use my car...he asks, but I tell him no.....he has crashed it and damaged it in many ways....and when he's running to the store he is gone for two hours.....that was it. No more car. I can't afford to have something happen to my car.....again.
He got out of the hospital where they diagnosed him bi-polar and put him on Lithium (this was over a year ago) he was going to kill himself so I had him committed to the hospital. He got out, taking Lithium, some girl he met IN THE HOSPITAL and he drank vodka and he decided to go somewhere....a tenth of a mile, you literally could throw a stone that far.....totalled my car....the girl took off never to be found? I really thought that he would get in rehab after that, I even asked the cops to recommend it....but nothing even happened to him.
He totalled our riding lawnmower last week. Got hit head on driving up the wrong side of the street at night. Headlights were on the tractor but still......my husband and I are on eggshells waiting for a lawsuit.
Wow. I just had to say I feel bad for what both of you are going through. It sounds like a total nightmare. It's so easy to say "just boot him out" but when it's your own kid that you have instincts to protect.... That makes it much harder to know when or when you are not enabling. Even when they are a full grown adult.
I can only tell you from my own experience of getting sober that I absolutely needed to live by myself to grow up. I needed to learn how to do all the things grown folks do and it was a big motivator for my sobriety because I knew if I relapsed, I would fall flatter on my face then ever before because nobody else was going to take me in and pay my way.
Granted - this is just me and other alcholics and addicts may just sink lower, become homeless....it's very scary. It's almost like russian roullette because forcing them to live on their own could be the 1 most powerful thing to get recovery going - or it could speed up their decent into God knows what. Either way you are powerless and you cannot control the addiction.
Pinkchip...you hit the nail right on head.....and that is my fear... He will either Fly or Die! Scary to think about...so I try not too.
I am trying to sort out in my head examples of him....manning up? He can do it if he chooses...he does have moments of being????smart? reasonable? mature? None of those words fit, but something like that.. I do know that I DO NOT WANT to be where I'm at now, in 5 years....even 5 months....5 weeks even sounds too long.....
Nessabean, I have a safe deposit box to keep things in, cars can be broken into pretty easily, mad money no matter how cleverly stashed, can be found, addicts all seem to help each other by suggesting where to look. For the money and jewelry at least - for the drugs, depending on how far from a safe deposit box you are, maybe you can store them there as well, keeping only what you need for a week's supply? And, unfortunately, tools, computers, expensive cell phones etc, are all things addicts can sell to someone for quick cash to feed their habit. I'm sorry.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It is hurtful that we have to hide our personal belongs from our children but that's where we are at right now. We have to protect ourselves and in doing so, we are also helping our beloved A children by not giving them access to more $ to continue on their self-destructive path.
I'm sitting here watching my A son thru the window - he has a couple wks of sobriety, has worked all week, bought groceries with his own money, and right now he's cleaning up the back yard, setting up a new storage shed and laying a brick patio - when I compare what I'm seeing this morning to watching him stagger from his bedroom to the bathroom --- well what can I say is ~~~~THERE IS A GOD~~~~
