The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its none of that. You think that addicts are logical and think things thru like that.?? They dont think beyond their next fix, whether it be drugs, alcohol, pills, whatever their poison.
One of the hardest things of the program is letting go, detaching. As far as anything else that goes on in the house, of course its your business. His using and finding his evidence is not. You either accept it or you dont, otherwise your in for lots of arguments.
Your finding evidence and confronting him with it will not change his behavior, and what does it matter if he knows you know. Did it make you feel better.?It will not change anything either.
I think what you seek is for him to stop, he will do it when he is ready. Meantime, stick with Your program, practice detaching, Its hard, so we must practice till what they do doesnt phase us.
Wishing you the best, hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 25th of July 2012 08:59:10 PM
I mentioned in a prior post that I had suspicions that my A was abusing his Adderall. I found some empty capsules in his pockets. (doing laundry, not snooping) I had been told that he takes them at work and in the morning. When I found them it happened to be on the weekend. Excuses were made, I told him I counted them and he said he'd just start leaving ALL of them at work. I actually didn't have a problem with that because with my controlling behaviors, out of sight, out of mind. I stopped worrying.
Until today. Came home from work, went to the bathroom and there it was. An empty pill case floating in the toilet. I called him in there, he pretended like he had no clue what I was talking about and then he made excuses. Left it in his pants pocket from work and tossed it when he got home, etc. I didn't come unglued... HE did. A whole bunch of the "you don't believe me" and "I'm sick of you starting crap with me every day". I didn't react with anger. I told him that I have the right to know what goes on in our home and that if he had a problem misusing those now that he COULD talk to me about it.... he didn't like that at all. Now, there is a HUGE part of me that doesn't believe him. Another part thinks that because of his "normal" behaviors, it's quite possible his story is true. He's ADHD. He's constantly picking random things up and walking around with them. Or they'll be in his pockets, etc.
So to add to the horrible fighting we've been through these past two weeks, this happened.
I feel used, abused and taken advantage of. I'm conflicted of what to do. He STILL doesn't have his license. As a matter of fact he's at the first of his 18 week mandatory counseling sessions before he can even attempt to get his license. He said to me "am I going to my meeting?" I said "Are you asking me to take you or are you asking if you're going, because *I* can only answer one of those questions". He fiinally asked me to take him. Just prior to that he was telling me he can't deal with MY crap anymore and he'd be going to a hotel tonight. Part of me just thinks he's sticking around till he gets his crap straight. The other part is telling myself, well if he were doing that he wouldn't have married me 6 months ago.
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~Kat
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. ~Voltaire
I am going to give you a little saying that someone once told me: You know how to tell when an aaddict is lying? Thier lips are moving. Hoping you find some peace within your own addiction to him. You can not fix him however, you can seek help for you!!!!
For me I know what I know and I believe actions not what someone tells me especially when they are actively using. I've told this story before, .. 50+ cans of chew were lining the top of the towel cabinet. My stbax had already moved out and I was cleaning the bathroom when I discovered this little gift that had been left. I was in shock. I knew he had started chewing again I just was clueless on how long. I cleaned up what I could however we have one towel cabinet I couldn't reach so when he came over I asked him to finish cleaning it up. He literally looked me in the eye and said .. I don't know how they got there .. I shook my head to myself and stated calmly .. I didn't ask you how they got up there I asked you to clean them up. Now what I'm thinking is yes, .. the only people left in the house are myself, my eldest child 13, and my youngest at 8. I'm almost laughing out loud thinking .. yup .. he has no idea how they got there and my daughter started chewing and my son decided that was the place to stash them. I had this crazy visual that he was standing on the toilet pitching the empty cans up on top of the cabinets. Never mind the other things I found up there .. the empty pill bottles as well as dexitrim and lipozene. I mean the stuff up there was seriously weird. Anyway, my point being even when you "catch" them dead to right the first thing they do is lie and then when that doesn't work they blame. This isn't about you. While you have a right to know what's going on .. what are you going to believe your eyes or your ears? The other issue is this as well .. he's going to continue to the behavior or not .. what are you going to do? The best thing I did for me was take a picture not to punish him to remind me that no I wasn't crazy and YES this really did happen. The next thing I did was go to an alanon meeting. It's so important to hang on to that sanity and serenity that I get from going to a meeting and remembering that the whole situation can make me feel crazy. After all I'm trying to convience my eyes they didn't see what they saw as well as conviencing my brain that what I'm being told is the truth. Keep coming back it really gets better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
