The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I suppose this is as much a vent as anything. AD (23 yo) has been in the program and sober for over 3 months after a DUI - her second.
I'm so glad she's doing it. Better to do it at this age than later, etc.
She is having difficulties dealing with the idea of jail, won't apply for jobs with the pending court action (just graduated from college, too), etc. She's working the program pretty hard and attending a meeting every night. I know it's hard on her - distancing herself from all her old "friends" ie drinking buddies. She told me she can't even date for a year per her sponsor (or something about the program). I get it - need to learn to live sober before you hookup so you don't repeat the nonsober pattern.
She got a tattoo on her arm last week. Today she told me she decided she wants to get her license instated to drive to work and meetings. Then she asked to borrow money to pay the insurance she'll need for that.
I lost it. She has money for a tattoo - one that is difficult to cover for a job interview and more permanent than any boyfriend (though I know not more permanent that a kid). That tattoo just screams uncontrolled impulse to me (isn't appropriate for her chosen filed and does not shout out college graduate). She lives with us, and at her age and just out of school I can't see throwing her out. She is so sad about her situation. I tell her she'll get through this if she stays in the program and I just want to help her move forward with her life. Wishing she were there already.
Trying to let go. I guess it's time to read Getting Them Sober. See? just posting has helped me already. Thanks.
I understand that would be frustrating for sure. You certainly aren't responsible for paying her bills. It's hard sometimes to find that line between encouraging better behavior and enabling. I like Getting them Sober. It's been a very helpful read for me.
It's not an easy road to walk. Getting them sober is a great book. Keep coming back it does get better as you work your own program of recovery.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
it is my partner that is my A but I have two teenage children.
Even without addiction som teenagers are rebellious and expect to be taken care of by parents. My 19 year old has just been away to europe working and partying. He nneded money to get home I have him his christmas money he now has no chritmas money. He has to pay me money for food etc. He is looking for work and has not got many clothes his suitcase got stolen while he was away.
I love him so much, but I so much want him to be responsible it is hard doing tough love for me but this is one of the benefits i have gained from programme (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY).
Is the person an adult, I want my son to be self sufficiant I am supporting him into adulthood it is my job as a parent although it is atough one. On the other my alcoholic is like a teenager he is drinking again has been in AA 3 years and fell out with sponsor so stopped meeetings. My boundary is I will not have him here by my kids if he is drinking and not on programme ( not to make him change but to protect my family). He is now having to look after himself he is 37 and complains and blames everyone else when an A gets well they cabn become very responsible it is one of the benifits. Thi disease is so horrible getting to AA is just the start, as we support we have to let them find themselves and part of that is becoming responsible this is just my ESH take what you like and leave the rest
I think the thing is reacting in some way kind of feeds their disease. They are obsessed with how people react to them.
Somehow its part of their obsession.
Being non reactive of course is very very very difficult around an alcoholic especially someone who you have a heavy investment in.
While they are off getting their recovery they are clueless about what they are doing to others and oh there is the demand to forgive on their terms and their terms only.
When I finally got to the point of having enough with the ex A I was so bitter and angry.
I think its so important to keep taking your temperature and backing off when you find it at boiling point.
I think addicts/alcoholics are all the time trying out their triggers.I know one addict (he says he is in recovery but doesn't need to work a recovery program) who is constantly triggered by death and loss. His last relapse which went on for weeks was triggered by the death of a friend (needeless to say it was a traumatic one) now who does he hang out with but a man who is dying and who has alienated everyone around him. Real good self care huh?
Self care does seem to escape them and it really is a big sticking point in recovery. Some of them do get there.
