The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone! I've been reading through the forum for about a month now, but I've been too afraid to start a topic of my own. I'm doing it now, because I am almost at my wits' end. I'm 23 and my husband is 25. We have been together for going on 7 years, and married for almost 2. I knew he drank a lot when we were dating, but I really think that I was in denial (about him being an alcoholic) right along with him. He has been drinking since he was 15, and he has been drinking every single day for about 6 years. Before we got married he promised me he would limit his drinking to only 2 or 3 drinks of his choice of liquor a night. Of course I believed him! He did well for a while, but it slowly progressed again. As of right now he is drinking a little over a pint of liquor and 2-4 beers every day. He'll start anywhere between 10:00 AM - 2:00 PM (he is unemployed right now), and drink until bed time. He'll buy 1/2 gallon of whiskey and 1/2 gallon of vodka and pour them into 8 pint bottles. He'll then pour some vodka and cranberry juice in a solo cup, and take a swig of the pint of the whiskey and then chase it with the vodka/cranberry juice. I've tried everything I know to get him to see how much it hurts me to watch him slowly kill himself, but it doesn't work. He says he is depressed because he can't find a job, we're running out of money, his wife (me) won't 'xxxx' him. I won't either, unless he's sober. We fight so much now, and he feels the need to bring up all of my shortcomings. I'm a little overweight, so of course to him that means I have an addiction to food. He brings up the fact that my father wasn't very good to my mother and myself when I was younger. He reminds me of what he used to do, and then tells me I need to be greatful to him (hubby) because he saved me from that situation. He tells me all the time that he is not bad to me, because he has never hit me. He hasn't ever been physically abusive to me, but he has been mentally and verbally abusive. He calls me awful names, brings up my weight, talks awful about my family, tells me to get the 'xxxx' out of his house, threatens to burn it down, threatens to kill my dog, tells me if I don't start 'xxxx' him, he will find someone else to do the job, because anyone can clean his house and cook his food for him; everything he can think of to hurt my feelings. All because he is in denial of how bad his situation is, and he tries to make me out to have problems like him. I'm so sick of doing everything for him, and in fact I have stopped. I'm a Christian, and I don't believe in divorce, but at the same time I'm 23 and don't have children. I don't want to have to stay in this type of marriage with the hopes of him one day stopping. I'm so young, and there is so much that I want out of life. I'm so depressed, and I stay up at night worrying about bills, his health, what's going to happen next, etc.. For the past 2 weeks, I have been thinking of leaving. Of course, I will need a job first, and I want to start building up my own credit, because I have none. I told him the other day that I wanted our car in my name, and he said ok. His father died almost 5 years ago, and left him with a house and 3 vehicles. He bought another truck with some of the money his dad left him, and then he traded it in for a car for me, but he put the title in his name. I just want something of my own, and I'm so afraid if I do leave he will take the car away from me even though he says he won't. I also worry about what will happen to him if I leave. Like, what if something happens to him and I'm not there? I'm just so used to saving him. I love him so so much, and I don't want a divorce, but I can't live like this the rest of my life. I'm so lost!
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 25th of July 2012 12:10:42 PM
(Hugs) and good luck. I agree you should find a face-to-face alanon meeting. If it's this bad now what would it be like if you had kids? Imagine them having to put up with that stuff - it's not a pleasant thought. (My kids still are scarred from living with an A father. Another consideration, my kids inherited the disease, which has caused so much pain - my 23 yo daughter in tears just today. You can divorse and A husband but what about an A kid? Breaks my heart.) Only he can help himself. Only you can help yourself. It's not selfish, it's the truth.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 25th of July 2012 12:12:29 PM
Welcome to the board. It is very difficult to live with an active A. My very first post had many helpful responses, here was one
"Jackie,
Welcome to Miracles In Progress. You have been and are being effected by the disease of alcoholism. The disease is selfish taking over the mind, body, and spirit, of the alcoholic. Denial is a symptom of alcoholism making it hard to impossible for them to accept, and blaming others for their problem in the process. No amount of begging, pleading, getting frustrated, irritated, or annoyed will change or make him stop drinking.
We have no control over the alcoholics in our life, but we do have control over ourselves. We can seek help from the effects the disease has on us. We can change our life for the better. We need recovery. In the rooms of Al-Anon we can find that help. You won't have to be alone anymore because you will be around other members who are walking in your shoes, members who will share what worked for them. In the program we call that our experience, strength, and hope.... What has worked for you.....and in the process giving back to others what the program has given us.
Please take the time to read prior post on MIP. Learn all you can about the disease of alcoholism. Find an Al-Anon meeting in your area and start your recovery. Jackie, you have found and new family here at MIP, and your will find a new loving and caring family in the rooms of Al-Anon......In the opening of every meeting the reading states.....We understand you as perhaps no one else can.
HUGS, RLC"
When I first came everyone encouraged me to go to meetings and I was so intimidated. I was also so lost that I was willing to do whatever it took to start figuring things out.
You are not alone. There is hope. Keep coming back, you are worth it.
Thank you so much for your response! I'm currently trying to find Al-Anon meetings close to where I live, because I live out in the boondocks! lol They used to meet at a church about 5 miles from my house, but I'm not sure if they do anymore. The closest one I've found so far is 45 minutes away. Hopefully I can find one closer! Thank you again, though!
Face-to-face meetings are the best, and hopefully you can find one reasonably close by... there are also online meetings here, as well as a chat room, etc., and posting here is also a great tool for your recovery.
I would also strongly recommend the book "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews - that book literally saved my sanity.
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can well identify with being very very dependent on someone who holds all the keys. I have been there and done that. I can tell you with total conviction that al anon can help. Indeed you don't even have to go to a meeting although there are some here twice a day. All you have to do is be willing to let the program in. You can get a sponsor, some people here are willing to do that. You can start working on taking care of you and it doesn't depend on anything that your husband does and doesn't do.
I have lived with the threats the sinking feeling that any minute my life is going to end. I built up my life so I was deeply dependent on an alcoholic/addict. We had a home, car(s), a truck, a wonderful garden. He destroyed everything in his path with his addiction. Nothing was sacred, his health, his finances, my well being, our pets, nothing was to survive his hell bent self destruction.
Opting out was very very very difficult for me. I was obessed with what he was doing, where he was. I took every syllable out of his mouth extremely personally. I sobbed regularly and he didn't bat an eyelid.
What changed was me. I learned to detach, I learned to focus on me. I learned to look elsewhere for validation. In al anon we have a saying you don't go to the butchers to buy bread. I was going to all the wrong places for love, understanding and caring. The ex A was not capable of much once his addiction took full force.
I think its pretty common to be in denial about alcoholism. The disease creeps up on people. Any one who is around it is held hostage to it unless they get help. Help is available to you in many forms, books, this site, meetings, sponsors, recovery people. Reach out and take it you deserve to be living a life that isn't mired in chaos and simply surviving.
I just want to thank everyone for their responses. I hate that anyone has to go through this, but it makes me feel some better that I'm not the only one. If I can find a face to face Al Anon meeting closer to home, I am most definitely going to attend. If I don't, I will attend an online meeting on here. My neighbor attends AA meetings, and she had an extra book and literature that she gave to me. I'm going to start reading it when I'm alone, and try to understand this disease better. I realize that I have issues that I need to work out in my life, and I can't do it when I'm focusing on my husbands. I am so glad I found this site!
I am so glad you are reaching out to others and willing to do the footwork. I would suggest getting a sponsor as soon as you can. I resisted getting one for years and when I did in so many ways I found someone who was on my side. As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional, madness there was never anyone on my side. Now there is.
I am so glad you posted and joined us here at MIP. You are not alone and I also want to encourage you to read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and getting to some face to face meetings. I am sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
