The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In our ODAT reading for today it talks about changing the environment and the A desiring sobriety as a result. I kind of think that's the situation but there is that whole giant leap of him wanting to be sober and actually being able to make it happen.
I'm really good at the detachment factor. However, I don't want to be unsupportive. Here is the scene: Last night I've had a really awesome meeting. I get home and he is talking about how he had a plan for the evening but that was derailed. I agreed to bring sdaughter home last night b/c she had dance and her mom needed to do something so I offered to just bring her home and feed her and let her spend time with us until mom picked her up at 8:30. I also told AH that if he was too tired I would miss my meeting to stay with sdaughter.
He never said he was too tired so I went to my meeting as usual. I got home and he was talking about wanting to not drink. This is such a regular conversation that I have quit giving any response really. While I want to be supportive I also know that this is something I've heard over and over and over again.
Then we were discussing Friday night. Usually I pick sdaughter up, and do something with her on Friday nights. This gives him downtime and keeps Friday night from being miserable for us all. Whenever I have just gone home it never ends well. This Friday night there is a food truck festival type thing and I had asked about taking sdaughter, and he wants to go. Which whatever that's fine. But then he throws out the statement that by taking her and doing stuff with her on Friday night I'm enabling him to drink more. Because if we were there then he wouldn't drink as much. My response, it's not my job to monitor your drinking.
I don't want to minimize his desire for sobriety. I also realize that I've been hearing this conversation (because I just let him talk) for weeks now, although it's more frequent now then ever before. His recovery is his. I know that on Friday night if there are no plans he spends a lot of time out on the porch and he's going to drink whether we are there or not.
I also take sdaughter to the pool. He tried to tell me that I should make him join us. I know he hates the heat and doesn't like going to any pool much less one filled with kids. I told him that I'm not making him do anything, if he wants to join us then great but it's not my job to make him do anything.
ESH please. Thank you for letting me share!
-- Edited by Jackie11 on Wednesday 25th of July 2012 07:05:32 AM
You are doing great. I think you said he doesn't believe in AA but, as you know - you are his wife and too close to him to be his drug counselor or AA sponsor. Whatever willingness he has at this point could be built upon in AA and a sponsor would be the one to turn to - not you. Alcholics will try to limit your freedom and I have said before, hostage taking in relationships is a main tactic employed. Anything to avoid personal responsibility and humbling oneself enough to ask for help from appropriate sources. It is possible he may eventually reach the point that he realizes he is missing out on so much life that he is ready to go to any lengths to stay sober. That's how it worked for me.
Anyhow, you are showing support by not beng is mom and not "making" him do things he would otherwise refuse to do. That has resulted in some violent arguments in the past right? I hated the heat - the pool...I hated crowds....Those things, I all hated directly because I could not drink like I wanted to in those settings. When I got sober - low and behold - I don't hate the heat, the pool, carnivals. It is alcohol that has him hating those things - trul sad the way it takes away everything you love til it's just you and the bottle.
AA would require humbling himself enough to ask for help. He still wants to tell HP how to fix him. He still wants to call the shots. I have pointed out (when he's sober) that he needs to quit trying to tell HP how to fix him. So as of now he still doesn't believe that AA is for him. However, he acknowledges to others how helpful Al-Anon has been for me. That's progress.
Actually the arguments in the past have been over me going and doing my thing without him. Also me not thinking like he does. He will tell you that the reason he has changed is because he made the conscious decision to be less selfish. In fact we just had this conversation last Friday night. I left for 2 weeks in March and he realized he could change, and be nicer to me, or he could lose me because I was DONE. So he made the choice to quit being an a$$, basically.
By me not trying to control. Not making him do things, like the pool (not that I could anyways), is has allowed me to have a life that I enjoy. By working my program I have contentment and I'm happy. He sees my contentment and he doesn't understand how I have it, with him still drinking. This is the wonderful miracle of Al-Anon. Boundaries, detachment, compassion, finding myself, understanding my HP, all absolute gifts of this amazing program!!!
From where I sit, you are handling this so beautifully! I really, really admire how you are taking care of yourself and doing fun things with the sdaughter. I absolutely agree that the whole "if you did x, I wouldn't drink so much" is wishful thinking on his part...if only that were true! I know we ALL As and Alanons alike wish it were exactly that simple! Don't you wish there were a program called "Take your A to the pool and he won't drink"? LOL. And, I think there in lies the problem, it's not so much about not taking a drink on a paticular day as it is about getting sober which includes not taking a drink, but also many other things. Girlfriend, you are handling it just fine. If you wanted to add a warm note to the conversation - you could always say - anytime you'd like to come, I would always love your company and still leave the actual coming up to him. Of course, I would only say that if it is true. Whether you say anything or not, you're the kind of Alanoner I look up to in my meetings and think, wow, I want a black belt like that (to use a term from martial arts)! You're doing great!
"Don't you wish there were a program called "Take your A to the pool and he won't drink"? LOL. And, I think there in lies the problem, it's not so much about not taking a drink on a paticular day as it is about getting sober which includes not taking a drink, but also many other things."
This is so very very true!!!
It's hard not to fall into the trap of taking responsibility for his drinking especially when he's telling me I'm enabling. It takes writing it out and ESH to objectively look and remember that I don't cause his drinking, no matter how craftily the accusation is stated.
You are truly amazing!! It's way to easy to get sucked into the you have all the power to fix me so why don't you blame game. You keep doing what you are doing and take care of you!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your A is doing what many active A's do - he's trying hard to get you to own his disease, so he doesn't have to....
Heck, if he's right, he's overruling the three C's, and you (or others) DID cause him to drink, etc., etc..... As laughable as that sounds and is - that appears to be where he is at, today....
Our program teaches us the skills to gently decline his invitation to own his disease, and to graciously give it back to him, so that he can own it.....
This is why I advocate the GTS books so strongly - Toby's books, in a nutshell, teach us: "if you REALLY love your A, then get yourself better"
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I read Getting Them Sober and was so relieved to realize I wasn't an enabler and that many things I did were exactly what I needed to do.
I think hearing from my AH, that I was an enabler was so unexpected that I had to pause and think about where I am.
Last Tuesday night leaving my meeting I thought about how it never matters how tired I am going into my meeting I never regret going. I'm so thankful for this board and Al-Anon!!!
Hello Jackie you are an inspiration to me. I think you really handled this really well. I am learning from everyone here as a newcomer that I do not have to take care of the feelings of my A husband. I have also stop monitoring his drinking and have stopped nugging. I love this board and the face to face meeting. Thanks so much for sharing your recovery give me the courage to go on and detach also.
Tom said it all, he is correct, he is trying whatever he can to give his disease to anyone except himself. I hope you find a way to seperate yourself from his disease.
I think detachment is such heavy lifting. In so many ways those of us who deal with dysfunctionality deal with the fact that we have to lift the 300 lb weight right away.
I do know I have changed tremendously with al anon. I no longer enable. I no longer rescue I no longer people please. I watch alcoholics demanding everything their way and see it rather than try to change it.
A great deal has changed in my life. Now I matter that's really the bottom line.
I think being around any alcoholic is an argument in the making. Indeed I think being around people who grew up dysfunctionally is an argument in the making. They have not a clue where their behavior comes from, how it affects others and what it results in. My entire family is a testament to that. They really believe they are a paragon of virtue. At one time I even bought into that now I can see them for what they are rather than for the great show they put on.
I know people who just give up they just try to stay under the radar and seethe and get ill as a result. I'm not willing to do that. Resentment is very toxic for me. I feel it and I know to distance now and most of all to detach. I no longer need to save the world.
I'm also not willing to put up with being manipulated anymore and my radar for that has gone up.
Al anon is a long long haul but the advantage of having boundaries, limits and not second guessing are so important.
You sound like you are working a great program and I love how involved you are with sdaughter. I love the ESH you received and just wanted to send you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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