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I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I cannot tell anyone that my husband has started drinking heavily again. We recently moved almost 300 miles away from my family and he has been drunk every day for the last week. We have been together for 2 years, married for 3 months. The first year we lived together and he finally quit last summer when I left. It just became unbarable when he would drink and always pick a fight with me, or I would say the wrong thing or give the wrong answer to a question. The mental and verbal abuse was terrible. He tells me all the time that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he would die if he ever lost me. Then when he would get drunk he called me horrible names and said terrible things about me and my family. The day after I left a year ago, he called and didn't even remember waking me out of a sound sleep to literally kick me out of the bed and tell me to get the "xxx" out because I refuse to be intimate with him when he cannot even hold his head up from being drunk. He successfully obstained from drinking for 8 months, then it began again with a beer when we were out. He promised that he would not buy it and bring it home. Then, he went back on that and started bringing it home. He promised that when we moved to our own home ( we lived with my parents) that he would not have to drink because he would be happier. Then his brother died (suicide), and now he is using that as an excuse to be drunk all the time! I love him, but I don't think I can deal much longer. I am afraid of the horrible things he says. I don't want to give up on my marraige, but I don't want to live with a drunk for the rest of my life.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 10:59:45 PM
You are right, I cannot change him. I have not been doing anything to change me and I know I need to. I am so hurt and upset by all the broken promises due to his drinking. Although I am fairly young, I have osteoarthritis in my ankles due to being born with severe clubbed feet. He promised if I would agree to move into this apartment on the second floor that he would take the dog out in the mornings (the most painful time of day for me) and that he would do the laundry since we don't have a washer and dryer. He does neither. He promised that he would take the dog running every day. He has not done it once. All he does is drink. We did get out a couple of times to look around the new town, but all the while that we are out I dread coming home because I know that the drinking will begin again. Today, I stayed in the bedroom because as soon as I got up this morning I made him angry. That triggered the first pop of a beer can. It physically hurts when I hear the sound of a can being opened, even if it is only soda. We just moved into this apartment and the cable guy came to install cable and internet. I asked my AH if he asked the man for a co axle cable for the bedroom tv and he flipped out on me because he didn't. So, I returned to the bedroom to watch videos and play games on the computer. I don't start my job until next week, and he is laid off from his job at this time. So, money is extremely tight. I am limited as to what I can do. I know if I called my parents they would put money in my account so I could come home, but I am not ready to end my marriage and I know if I go home they will know something is terribly wrong. There is an al anon meeting here on Thursday and I intend to go. While I am typing this and reading it, I realize how desperate and pathetic I have become.
-- Edited by almostgivenup on Wednesday 25th of July 2012 12:30:09 AM
I don't mean to sound insensitive regarding the death of his brother. It is a terrible thing that no one should have to go through. I suppose I am just upset because he is turning to alcohol instead of me. He is passed out now after drinking all day, 12 beers and a liter of wine. He wanted to be intimate with me, but 1) I cannot stand the way he smells and feels when he is drunk and 2) it really is pointless because after all that alcohol he cannot perform. I am so broken hearted that he started drinking again. When he does drink, if someone else drinks one or two beers, he really believes that they have drank as much as he has when he drinks the rest of how ever many are there, be it 12 or 24. He told me yesterday that he wants to go to the doctor for his anger and depression and that he doesn't want to drink anymore. But, then he came home from the grocery with a case of beer. If I say anything, I get berated and all of my shortcomings come to the surface and it becomes about me, not him. I know that is all part of the denial and not taking responsibility for his drinking. Please, someone, if you have gone through this, please give me some insight or advice. We don't have any children, but I don't even want to leave him alone with our puppy.
Hi.... I'm glad you found us..... sounds pretty miserable there for sure, and you're taking on a lot.... What are you doing for you, and your recovery from all this?? Right now (and all of us have been there) your focus and energy is mainly on the person you can't change or control (him), whereas that focus and energy can be put to a lot better use focussing on the person you CAN change - you....
I would highly recommend a great book - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. Al-Anon meetings would also be a huge help.
The reality is he drinks because.... he is an alcoholic. Not because he doesn't love you enough - more likely because he may not love himself enough.
I wish you well, and hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I can so relate to your pain...you sound like you are speaking my exact words. Everything you have stated I have gone through as well...the verbal abuse, the pop of a can--even if it is a soda, wow. Im sorry you are going through this. I am at the beginning stages...I have tried to change myself. For a while I stopped calling when he would take off and I didn't know where he was at. I also read the book suggested here, "Getting them sober", but I think I need to re-read it. It's hard to let it sink in. I think I still resent that I need to work so hard on changing me when it is HIS problem. I still haven't gotten over this part and the pain it causes my children. I would like to leave, but I don't know if I can hold down my job while I go through the process, I get so emotional over this. At this stage, if I didn't have the kids it would be a clearer choice for me and much quicker to move into my own place.
There is another interesting website that I have frequented in the past--not sure if we are supposed to do this here, but it is called dr irene.com It is about verbal abuse and alcoholism combined and I found it very informative, if not a bit depressing reading some of the stories.
Minaret, Thank you for your reply. I feel the exact same with the resentment as you do. I am so angry that I have to go to meetings and find help when it is him who has the drinking problem. That is precisely the reason I have not gone to one yet. But, I realize that if I want this marriage to work, then I will have to take the first steps and hope n pray that he follows my lead. He is my best friend and we get along famously, when he isn't/wasn't drinking. I just want my husband back! I want a normal relationship. I also resent that he doesn't realize that I willingly gave up my right to ever have a drink when he quit drinking for those months. Were there times that I wanted to have a beer? YES! Did I? NO! Only to support him. I didn't feel right drinking, even though I am not the one who over indulges. ALSO, it doesn't help that his mother is an alcoholic. She begged me to just "cut him some slack and deal with it" when he started drinking heavy after his brother died.
Oh, I could go on and on, but I won't. I know I am not saying anything that anyone else hasn't.
Thank you for the info, I will check out the website.
At the core of alcoholism is a massive self-sabotaging mechanism. Other's get through stress and losses by using their support system, prayer, faith, staying busy. An alcoholic creates new problems from old problems by throwing drinking on top of them (which of course solves nothing and only creates new problems). Drinking isn't effective mourning or grieving - like all emotions, it's an avoidance of feelings. Those feeligs will be waiting when he sobers up. His mom of course would say that - being alcholic. It's very frustrating. You have your own losses and stresses here and his alcholism also wants to take away YOUR coping skills. This is where alanon can come in and help you make sure you are coping in ways that are healthy and not just reacting to his disease (and even his mother's too). I empathize and I know this is not what you wanted for your marriage at this point.
Al-anon face to face meetings, my sponsor and MIP saved me from finding more A's to repeat my cycles with. I sure hope you can get the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and keep coming here and posting. I can relate to your marriage and hope you can take care of yourself. It was also hard for me to realize that I needed help when my exAH was the one with the huge obvious problem, alas there was a self esteem issue and a few others within me that I had to face and deal with to see why I chose the relationship I did. I hope you can and will seek out that first meeting and change the things you can! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hello... & Welcome to Our Family :) I'm Glad you are Here...
Many Have felt & been close to the Same place you have, Me included... I was also Raised by Alcoholics and I too am One... I can Only Give you my Experience & With Every addict theirs is their own, No one can tell them When Enough is Enough... No Matter Our Love for Them Or not... Its All About when They are Ready and Willing to Want that for themselves...At least that is How it was From My Experience...
I Had Many Downs that SHOULD Have brought me to Sober Sooner, but I wasn't ready to Commit... Al-Anon Will Indeed HELP You, If you are Willing to Keep Showing Up and Taking Care of Yourself, You can Very Much Find Peace... Is Admitting My Own Flaws Easy/ Absolutely Not, But I Learned that I Was Just as Much the Problem as He/They where Because I Contributed to their Disease as Well as My Own... I Liked to Control things, or At least Feel like I was & it was Slowly Driving Me Nuts...
I am Now at a Place in my Life (Thanks to Al-Anon) where I Can start to Accept them where they are, and I Realized What they do really was NOT a Reflection of Me at All.. It was Souly thier Choices & their LIves... I Just Chose to be apart of them... and with that, Al-anon taught me how to Love them but Not Like their disease...
For Me the Serenity Prayer was a Great Help... And "Detachment" I Hung it on every Mirror & Kept a Copy in my Car in the Dash... And when I would try to Control My Alcoholic's I would Read it Over & Over again... I Found a Wonderful Face to Face Meeting in My Area, and I now have a Wonderful Extended Family that Accept me & My Flaws Just as I am, and they Encourage & listen to me, sometimes at all hours of the night...
This is a Program for YOU, and You Can Very Much Find... All the Things you Desire for yourself, here... If You Keep Coming Back, Keep Sharing, and Continue to See This Disease for what it Truly Is... and for Me I had to Start at Step 1: I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL & MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGABLE...
I Hope you Continue to Come here... You wont be Disappointed :)
Friends in Recovery... Please Take what You Like & Leave the Rest
I am so glad you are here. Your story is so much like mine. I had the same struggle with my exAF for the last few years. He would stay sober and go to AA for up to a year straight, then he would drink. Three relapses since we have been together. This time enough was enough for me. I do miss my sober AF. But, that guy doesn't stick around. I came to the conclusion that even if he stayed sober, I would always been waiting for the next shoe to drop and for him to pick up a drink. I decided that for me, and what I want for MY life, I couldn't stick it out. Yes, it was sad to end this, and yes I had to tell everyone and face the disappointment that all of my plans were not going to come true. I have so much of my wedding planned and Church is booked, reception is booked. I have favors, and napkins, china, etc. But, I prayed and went to Alanon, and here and finally decided that I would rather be alone, and move on, then to live with the drama, fear, and all that had been going on.
Do I miss him? Ya betcha. Do I feel at peace with my decision? Yes, yes, and yes... It took me several relapses to get here, and you will know when you are done. No one is going to say leave him. (Well, my non-alanon friends did.) But, pray read, and ask your HP for help and strength. It works!! =)
I have come very far. 2 years ago, I jumped on a plane and flew across the country for a week to rescue him, buy him booze until he was ready to go to rehab, take him to detox, and then buy him a plane ticket to come to me when he left detox and drank the same day. When he got here he got sober and stayed that way for 8 months. Then relapse and then sober for one day short of a year. Then detox, then drank a week later...which brings us to 10 days ago when we broke up for good. He moved out, got on a plane and went back East. I know it was the right thing today. I have cut off all contact. It just isn't what I want for me. life. Ya know?
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I am so thankful to you all for sharing your stories and support. My heart is breaking because the thing I read the most is "ex" AF or AH. I feel so hopeless right now. He didn't drink yesterday after the wine was gone at about 7am. We barely spoke, he played XBOX most of the day and then we watched tv till I went to bed around midnight. He didn't step foot out of the apartment all day. I am terrified of what today will bring. He said he wants to get better, he wants to go to the doctor. Today is the day. He has to make a choice. I have decided that I will stay and help him if he will go get help. If not, then I will have to pack a bag and go. It hurts too much to watch this anymore.
I can really assure you that I didn't come into these rooms ready to the leave the now ex A. In fact one of the things that kept me here was that no one insisted i leave him.
Many many people here stay. They stay for a lot of reasons, children, financial, hope for recovery and more. Not all of us leave. Indeed al anon doesn't insist anyone leave. Lois never left Bill but she certainly changed. I think that is what I find so heartening about their story because indeed two very dysfunctional people made so much pain and tragedy into something that could help others. What greater miracle is that?
In fact there is a suggestion in al anon that someone who joins make no major changes for a while. Believe me I know all about beating myself up with a stick for staying, leaving, whatever I did didn't change the now ex A.
I had to really embrace the three C's. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I can't change it. The change was so essential. Because boy did I want to change him and everyone else around me.
In al anon if the issue of leaving is up the suggestion is to make a plan be. Make a list of all that you need if you should leave and it is a big if. What kind of emotional support do you need, what kind of financial help do you need. What is the leaving for.
I say this because I once left the ex A because I wanted him to move out one of his friends who was staying with us, eating all our food and taking up the entire driveway with his car that he had decided to put an engine in. The same friend had once suggested that he come and stay and live with us free for a year. The ex A made it that I was the one who said no.
I left for a week. The ex A came and promised the moon. I came home and guess what the "friend" was still there. There was lots of evidence they had had a real good time while I was gone. Needless to say alone in the hotel room I was in I felt absolutely devastated. I was so sure that my actions would have meaning. Clearly they didn't.
After a number of years and making a plan be I left for me. I didn't leave to change him. I think that is so essential because leaving to change someone the focus is still on them.
Of course even after I left the ex a there were many many strings left and I went back in to help him again. He set it up so that I felt sorry for him by his actions and I went in for another round. It took me a long long long time to leave for good and all that time no one in al anon judged, condemmed, told me what to do and made any kind of suggestions that I didn't ask for.
Wherever I am in al anon whatever I am doing people will support me.
I hope you will find a way to make this program work for you. There are no guarantees that anyone can get sober but there is a guarantee that al anon can and does help regardless of what they do.
I didn't plan on leaving. I came here and loved the fact that no one even encouraged me to leave. My friends (Non-alanon) said I was crazy for staying, so I stopped sharing my struggles with them. But, in the end, I did leave. I left because I was ready to leave. 6 months ago, I thought I would stay and just know that his relapses were something that I would have to live with. But, after awhile I changed my mind. Just do what feels right for you. But, take care of you!! xxoo.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I went to my first meeting tonight. It helped a little. I was just so lonely and tired of being in the bedroom by myself. He was drunk when I came home, as I knew he would be. I am now in the bedroom once again, me and the puppy and my computer. I am wondering how much beer can anyone drink in one day???? He bought a 30 pack at about 2pm and I just went to the refrigerator only to realize it is over half gone. I know this is not my problem, it is his. But I think the only way I am going to get peace is to leave. I am not angry with him anymore, I am just tired of letting this rule our life. I didn't get married to spend all this time by myself and listening to him ramble on and on with his "friends" on the Xbox. I learned that he has a disease, but I don't think I can accept it. It is making me sick and depressed. I want and deserve more for my life.
You and I are only weeks apart. I understand. Keep praying. Focus on you and what you want for your life. Is this it? As wonderful as your A is, because mine has a dear, loving spirit, Can you live with the A in him? I could not. But, it took me a few years to come to that conclusion. Like everyone here says, you will know when enough is enough. xxoo.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
