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The enabling doesn't have to do with my alcoholic but with others around me. I have trouble distinguishing whether I am just being selfish or not wanting to enable. It happens a lot with my best friend who grew up homeless and with two addicted parents. She asks for help with things that she could figure it out if she tried hard enough. Usually, I give her the tools but don't actually do it. But I feel mean for doing it sometimes. Today she called me and asked if I could call her ride from work and tell them that she needed to be picked up earlier. She had left her cell phone in locker so couldn't call because she didn't know the number. I know it wasn't really enabling to do it for her because in that situation she couldn't do it herself, so why do I feel resentful in situations like that? Am I really that bad of a person to not want to do the simplest of things for people, especially my best friend? It isn't as if she offers nothing to the relationship. She is a wonderful person and amazing friend, so I really struggle with these feelings.
Thanks.
-- Edited by Elizabeth10 on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 02:09:46 PM
I get resentful because usually these types of people are dependent on other people all the time.
Im sure its not the first time your friend has asked you for SOMETHING....! I know lots of people like that and I am so grateful for Alanon, because I finally learned how to say no and draw boundaries. I have a cousin like that. Is dependent on everyone , all her life. We grew up together. I always seemed to have money from babysitting or some odd job, she never had money and now that she is an adult, she never has money, because she has a sickness, she spends it till its gone. I always picked up the tab. She has one line " I dont have any money". She can go from 0 to bitch in 3 seconds if she doesnt like what you say. You have to walk on eggshells. Even if you are just being honest. She gossips, she has abused my friendship twice and I wont allow a third time.
We didnt speak for almost two years, I didnt miss her, she came over to my house and apologized, but I still keep the boundaries. Its hello how are you, family functions I am civil, but it will never go where it went before, because I wont allow it. While your friend has a problem, you almost have no choice, but I bet its not the first time she has forgotten her cell phone, I bet its always something. Next time draw the boundaries. They work.
In support, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 03:10:59 PM
I get resentful because usually these types of people are dependent on other people all the time.
Im sure its not the first time your friend has asked you for SOMETHING....! I know lots of people like that and I am so grateful for Alanon, because I finally learned how to say no and draw boundaries. I have a cousin like that. Is dependent on everyone , all her life. We grew up together. I always seemed to have money from babysitting or some odd job, she never had money and now that she is an adult, she never has money, because she has a sickness, she spends it till its gone. I always picked up the tab. She has one line " I dont have any money". She can go from 0 to bitch in 3 seconds if she doesnt like what you say. You have to walk on eggshells. Even if you are just being honest. She gossips, she has abused my friendship twice and I wont allow a third time.
We didnt speak for almost two years, I didnt miss her, she came over to my house and apologized, but I still keep the boundaries. Its hello how are you, family functions I am civil, but it will never go where it went before, because I wont allow it. While your friend has a problem, you almost have no choice, but I bet its not the first time she has forgotten her cell phone, I bet its always something. Next time draw the boundaries. They work.
In support, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 03:10:59 PM
You're correct, this is not the first time she has depended on me. But the call took me about 2 minutes and wasn't that big of a deal and she couldn't leave her shift to get her phone. I could have said "no" but I am sitting at home with a cell phone and a house phone and could easily make the call.
What kind of boundaries could I really set in these situations without hurting the friendship? She doesn't take advantage of me, but I still feel resentful because I feel like I am always helping her, but they aren't situations she can control. We are both still living at home and beginning college, so she can't control that they don't have a computer and her mother can't drive her somewhere to print something important up so she asks if we can get her. It is things like that. I feel horrible saying "no". I don't know, it is hard to explain. It will be easier when we are both at separate colleges and she has access to computers and printers and transportation, etc. I know she can't wait to be able to do those things for herself instead of relying on others, so I don't know that she is dependent on me exactly. All she has ever seen modeling in her family is dependency, and she doesn't want that for herself, so my feelings are mixed up as to what boundaries to set.
She does pick up the tab for me if needed or helps me through struggles. So, I guess we're even. I just have trouble figuring out what a healthy relationship is and when to place boundaries. KWIM? I guess I resent all the times she has asked for help when she could have taken the time to figure it out herself and I helped because I wasn't in program yet. Now in those situations I can usually tell her to figure it out herself, but I guess the resentment has carried over.
-- Edited by Elizabeth10 on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 03:33:19 PM
I know I am short with people when I am constantly on edge with my A son. It is so overwhelming with him that little things other people do that are totally unimportant and meaningless set me off. Like driving and people in the grocery store that are in the way, someone bunping me.....sets me off, it's not that person's fault although they usually get my mouth, but a result of being so tightly wound all the time.
I don't know if this is the case with you but it is with me.....I'm trying to change it!
Well , I dont think you would have wasted the time to write about it if it didnt bother you in some way.
Its really about you and if you think your friendship is pretty balanced then thats fine.
I understand what your saying about her figuring it out herself, I just used the money thing as an example of my cousins charecter, people can take advantage in other ways. She is probably not aware of it if she comes from a family of co-dependents as they say.
As you progress in the program you will learn about boundaries and how far you should go for your friends and the alcoholic in your life. It will usually carry over to other parts of your life.
I always ask myself "what would he/she do if I wasn't around?". What will happen say if you are on vacation for two weeks out of state and she has one of these little "deals"? She'll figure it out I promise.
All the stuff you wrote - she has other options. Schools have libraries with computers and printers. She could have waited for her ride, didn't have to come earlier? Or she could have asked someone to give her the number. She clearly called you... That's just a few things that came right to my mind.
Then realize this. Our giving is like a cup. If we give some and fill ourselves up some and there is a balance of taking care of us and doing things for others, the cup stays full enough to give. When we get someone who basically pokes a hole in our cup and continues to drain us, pretty soon we've given them so much that anything they ask for feels monumental. That's your internal warning sign that you need to value yourself and your time more, take care of yourself first and put up some boundaries with the person who is draining you.
You are correct, a few little things like that every now and then aren't a big deal. Add them up repeatedly and you have a pile. What was small pebbles is now a pile and harder to move.
My question I ask myself first is "is this MY issue?" No? "is this something this person can figure out on their own if given the time?" Yes - then let them because otherwise we are continuing to allow them to prove to themselves they can't do it on their own.
That's an idea I employed with my ex. One time it was a simple text 'how much does V's lunch cost'? Ok he's been this kid's dad for 8 years and been taking him to school for 3 years and he can't figure out how to call the school or ask my son what lunch costs? I admit, petty BUT he tries to treat me like we are still married and that boundary had to be ended. And 20 minutes later after not responding I got the text "nvrmind, I figured it out". :)
I used to have a best friend growing up that was leagally blind, so she was never going to be able to drive. She came from a family that had money and was spoiled, but she had entitlement issues and I had a hard time saying no and felt used a lot. She would call me for rides to her boyfriends and her Mom was a stay at home Mom with only her home at that point and her bf drove, but she would call me to drive her to his town. I would do it all the while resenting the fact she didn't ask her Mom or him and it's not like I was headed there anyway. After awhile I would say to her hey if you are ever in a serious pinch call me for a ride, but not just to go hang out with him when your Mom or he could give you the lift. I lived across the street and was available, but had a life of my own too. I learned the resentments said more about me than about her and I just had to learn to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean. So instead of having things fester and build realize if you 2 need to have a chat to get through it or if you are okay helping her with things that seem trivial to her, but not to you. I know I grew up in extreme dysfunctions and it took me until the last year and a half to know I had the answers within with Al-anon leading my program. So I freak out less and handle things better, but it took me until I was 34 to really get a lot of things and other things are still a work in progress for me. Just realize she may be stunted and you have choices to make about how to handle this. Sending you much love and support!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Wednesday 25th of July 2012 08:25:38 AM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I've been attending meetings for 6 months now, so I do understand boundaries and their use. It is just so hard for me to decide what needs a boundary and what I am being selfish about.
For example, my friend asked to come over tomorrow. We can pick her up because we'll be right around the area anyways. But then, either we can let her walk 45 minutes home, or bring her home which is a 10 or 15 minute drive to bring her there and back. I resent when she needs a ride when we aren't in the area, but I wonder if I am just being selfish. I certainly wouldn't want to walk 45 minutes.
On the other hand, my bf lives in the same area as her and I have no problem picking him up and bringing him home when I am not in the area.
I love what Maresie said "Resentment is a good indicator your boundaries are up" I have never thought about it like that before but it has powerfully reminded me that feeling resentful today is a 'red flag' flying, that I am aware that others are trying to manipulate me. That thought has bought greater clarity to why I am feeling unbalanced today.
I feel a 'No' coming on and that having said it I must just let go of the outcome, this relates both to my foolish previous behavior of helping my A financially in the past when all I was ever doing was enabling his behaviors, and also to a friendship which is beginning to look a little one sided.
I am so glad I read this thread, it is helping me come to terms with my feelings today and a powerful sense that there a few things that I need to "Let Go and Let God"
