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I feel like a bad person right now but I'm very unhappy with my FOO. I know I've mentioned that my mother is a an alcoholic and I also have a serverly Bi-Polar older brother. I personally believe his illness is much more than bi-polar because I 've known other people with this disease that manage it quite well. He is a horrible liar and will lie about anything just to please others or get him through that immediate moment. My parents are in their 70's and they manage his money etc and he lives in an apt that his managed by a private mental health group. He is on government disability and basically spends his entire days delusional that he is engaged to this rock singer that's from our town. My father is very co-dependent - he lets my mom bark orders at him and he takes care of my brother by checking up on him - driving him places and taking him groceries. My brother lies to him constantly and if it's something my dad wants to hear he'll believe it. My other brother lives far away with his wife and is doing well.
It's painful to watch all of that happen. I know I cannot do anything about it and most of the time I'm good at just ignoring it and living my own life but today it weighs heavy on me. I feel like a bad person because I honestly wish my brother would just take off and disappear. He's brought nothing but trouble to my parents for a very long time. But they have him on such a short financial leash that he can't take off. It's sad, very sad and I watch it wear my dad out on a daily basis. He's had all sorts of help - we have a great local mental health orginization that is privately funded. If it weren't for their existence he'd be living on the streets or dead. I know it's a horrible life and I do feel for him but even his doctors have said he has the capacity to understand the help that is offered to him and choose to take it - he could manage his illness but he chooses not to.
My mom's alcoholism has gotten worse (is that possible?) She is in severe denial and doesn't believe she's an alcoholic. I know it's not my place to tell her she is but it can be difficult to watch sometimes. She justifies it by only drinking after 4pm and then she drinks all night long.
So, today is just a bad day. Tomorrow will be better.
-- Edited by amills4294 on Monday 23rd of July 2012 11:12:19 AM
I know how those bad days feel-I have a similar situation with 2 older sibs that are living off the state for similar issues. I have heard "this (12 steps) program is not for those who NEED it - it is for those who WANT it"
That is hard to swallow & witness sometimes, but so true and the best I can do is ask my HP to 'bless them, change me'--everytime I think those thoughts. I believe HP is doing/will do this for you and you will have fewer and fewer yucky days like that as you continue to grow in the program. It happened for me--also, I can relate to feeling bad for having those thoughts. The disease is soooo, sooo taxing, we just want it to end like any type of pain--so u are not a bad person for wanting pain to end whatever way it can. Yet it is the co-dependents disease (the isms without the alcohol) when they keep enabling it. they still get some sort of relief by their enabling actions, the same way the alc. gets relief through substances. One family disease symptom is not "better or more noble" than the other -it just appears that way at times.
The ism- I have heard is ISM "incredibly sick mind, I separate myself(isolate-think I am unique), I seak misery/martyrdom"
Maybe we can come up with more acronyms-sheds some levity on a terrible situation.
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
I understand how frustrating it can be so much out of our control.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I agree hotrod - there's nothing I can do - it is out of my control and I've accepted that but it does get frustrating at times. Being a parent myself I understand why they don't "let go" but I believe they are not helping him either. He has never truly had to fall - they have always picked him back up and he knows that. His doctor has as much said so. He stops his meds and goes on these tangents to gain attention. I feel for him. He has no life but he chooses not to work with the help he has.
Thanks for the support. This day will pass and I will turn this over to my HP... it's just heavy right now.
