The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Great Reminder as to what it is like on the others side. I must be very careful with this . I did always look at his side, knew he was very unhappy, and was acting out from his disease. I continued to forgive the unforgivable ,neglect myself and pretend that all was well.
Thank God for alanon, Here I learned to Focus on Myself, Live One Day at a Time , trusting HP, with compassion for the alcoholic. Detaching with Love was a true gift. I could still understand how painful this disease was for all of us, treat him with courtesy and respect and take care of me.
We are all suffering as a result of this disease.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 23rd of July 2012 10:17:59 AM
This message board is like a "treasure box." As one puruses through new and not-so new posts and replies, one can find "jewels" that seem to be created just for her or him.
Here's a jewel I found this morning as I was looking through posts written by a longtime MIP member who goes by the name Christy.
I hope it's not breaking any rules reposting this. I figure it's not since anyone could read it.
Here it is:
What goes around comes around?
Reply Quote
"What goes around, comes around" was recently mentioned in a post. Some of us Alanoners are waiting for the A's to get their payback for all the suffering they cause and have caused.
My 16 mo. sober husband was home this week from Alaska (he's working there) and we discussed that sentence a bit and how the relatives and friends wish and wait for something to "come around" and punish them.
I thought I'd share what he said to me. "What they don't realize is that every single day living in the disease is hell for an alcoholic too. Every single morning it comes around again. He said he felt like a total sh*t every time he chose the booze over us, every time. His disease allowed him to make mental excuses to go to the bar instead of come home. To drink, instead of a planned family fun day. But in the back of his mind he always knew what was right. The "what goes around comes around" came every day, with every drink. He said it is truly like having the devil himself control your thoughts. Every good intention is sabatoged with the overpowering need to drink. Now that he is sober, he is very grateful for the chance to live his life, but what he has done to himself and others still "comes around".
This was just my husband's view. He can't speak for all alcoholics but it was a little insight as to what he was feeling all those yrs..
I know there is some real resentment and disgust toward alcoholics and the things they do and get away with. I've been there lots of times. As I look back I had huge resentment over having to deal with everything. Kids, bills, home repair, car repair, insurance, school etc. I thought he was living a happy go lucky care free life and I handled everything. It wasn't that way at all for him. He lived in hell too. He was just real good at making it look to me like "all is well".."I'm good". At first the performance was for me. Then it was for him. Can you imagine how it is to mentally tell yourself "all is fine, I'm ok" but then have something else control your body and make you someone you hate, someone that's hurts the people you love?
Just food for thought.....
Christy
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
This made me cry. Sometimes, I have to think of the bad things in ordee to stay away from my exA, but deep in my heart I know he is suffering tremendously. Today is his birthday. I will send him love and light and try to forgive us both. Thank you.
I agree. I all too often fell into the trap of thinking of his suffering, and it kept me trapped and trying to help. It wasny until I got so exhausted that I could no longer deny my own insanity. I changed my prayer from "Please make him sober, so that we can be happy!!!" to "Please let the.best solution appear for us. Let this work out in the best way for us to heal. Whatever that looks like." that it became clear wjat needed to happen. He is in HPs hands now, which are truly better than.my own.
The day before he got sober I told my AH that I knew he was not happy. I knew he was miserable and this was not who he wanted to be. I told him that inside he was a loving person who wanted more than this for himself and his family. That is what I saw. He said when he looked at himself all he saw was a monster. I said the disease is the monster. It takes good loving people and turns them into monsters.
Later I also told him that I could not save him from this disease and I would not let him take me and our son down with him. We had separated a few weeks before.
I am grateful for Al-Anon and this group for helping me heal and learn to separate the person from the disease. I was and still am able to see the alcoholic for the sick person they are and to have empathy for them, while still protecting myself and my children. I cannot control or cure this disease. My need to try to save him was something I had to work on. When I learned to let go, I got out of the way of his recovery and allowed him to find his own solutions.
He has almost 5 years sober now because I got out of his way and let him sink or swim. I know that sounds bad and some will drown, but if I hadn't we would both have drowned.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks hotrod for bringing to my attention that this post might re-enforce those who tend to have unhealthy empathy for their alcholics. I didn't think of that when I read the post.
My intention of bringing this post back up to the top was to possibly help those who are stuck in anger and resentment. From my experience, anger and resentment didn't make my life better in the long run. However, I suppose the negative feelings got so intense for me that I finally made a life-changing decisions that did enhance my life immeasurably.
Just a sidenote here: I am often reluctant to post these days for the very reason hotrod pointed out. We're all at various stages on our paths, and because of this, not all posts are appropriate for all.
I don't want to stir anyone wrong. So I think this might be my last post. It's been on my mind lately. I've been concerned about how my posts will be construed. When talking with someone in person, I can gauge were they are, and thus, better know what to say and what not to say.
Does any of this make sense?
But I certainly appreciate all the guidance and support I received from members of MIP!
I'll keep you all in my prayers! Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
