The material presented
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I'm attending a few live meetings, but honestly Idont think I cant wait 6 months . Ive been married only 1 year, separated 7 months. If I knew what I know now, I would never have married this person. I have never been around alcoholics. I had heard my minister to be husband had been in rehab, but I was made to believe by his family on one side (parents divorced remarried) that it was like 10 years ago and he had been sober. It was only 1 month before he started dating me, long distance, being christians we didnt believe in living together, so many things were covered up. Two weeks into the marriage, my new husband was falling on the floor drunk and unconscious every night, getting up and then arguing with me andnot letting me sleep. When I called his mother and his aunt who married us, I got an apology for them not telling me he was an alcoholic, and the pastor aunt saw him drinking right before our wedding and went ahead. But they said he was my problem now, i should quit school and take care of him!!! After 5 months and 2 hospitalizations where he fell in public and knocked himself out, with blood alcohol levels at 483 and 592, him having to sign papers he would die, refusing treatment and making my life a living hell, by abuse, not letting me or my son sleep by his yelling all night and leaving messes all over the house and kitchen, not contributing to bills, not doing anything. I left with my son. He said he stopped drinking and moved down to where we are in an apt. But after a weekend, I saw it was the same old thing. I refuse to move in and live with an active alcoholic. His mother, daugher and aunt are enablers, saying how horrible it is he has to live alone, I'm not taking care of the bills and the gas was turned off and he has cold water for showers. It's bad enough he pesters and calls me, but the family calls me also and calls the apt mgr who calls me. I'm disabled and being retrained to get a masters degree in social work parttime as that is all the energy my chronic disease allows. I have set the boundary that he has to be in a treatment program, with zero tolerance monitoring, on medication and a church recovery program for at least 1 month before i consider moving in. I honestly dont know this person. I'm finding I dont like him at all, he has tremendous learned helplessness, abusive anger, whining and crying and kicking his feet on the bed like a 2year old, saying if I move in it will make everything all right, he has never lived alone, he has to be around people all the time. He only will eat certain foods, complains all the time and whines even when sober, and spends 2 to 3 hours on the phone with his mother each day. Lying and deception, pretending or exagerating hurts, not eating and blaming me for not getting his special foods he likes. He will walk 10 miles to a liquor store, but he cant walk a mile to a grocery store, or take the bus right outside the apt.He smokes in a non smoking complex, oh yeah he quit then started 2 weeks into the marriage, both my sons and I have asthma. I'm beginining to hate him, cant stand to talk or be around him. My other set of inlaws who are ministers say i should have the marriage annulled, they love me, I will always be their daughter, but they cant stand to see me go through the pain and torment. He has been drinking since age 7, he is 46 now. I just see no hope. His crazy making, even though I'm detaching is just increasing. I'm the first person except my ministry inlaws who only had him for 6 months when he was 15, that have set boundaries. He was married 3 times another surprise, before all to female alcoholics. any love I thought I ever had for this person is gone. The more I see him, I think he is just going to be a dry alcoholic and physically which he is just starting but he is down to 118 pounds and 6 feet tall with diabetes and pancreatis from drinking his punches and pokes dont hurt they annoy, and definitely verbally abusive. I want out now, for my sons and my sake, it will mean extreme financial hardship as the lease is in both our names and I will have to buy it out and then sue, but i need peace, not pieces.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I can certainly identify with the complete insanity of which you speak,
Living with the disease of alcoholism is devastating and we who have experienced this need a program of recovery in order to regain our sanity. Alanon suggest that we make no major life changes for the first 6 months in program That is because when we first arrive we are lost, confused and filled with anger, fear and uncertainty. Attending alanon meetings, using the tools help us to regain our true selves and connect with others This restores our balance and our ability to make positive choices.
You have drawn boundaries and are taking care of yourself and son and not living with your husband. It is perfectly fine to remain doing that and begin to check out face to face meetings in your community The main number can be found in the white pages. If you cannot attend in person check out the on-line meetings here and attend
I empathize with you. I too, found that many secrets were being held when I married what I thought was a social drinker. Although he was not attached by an invisible unbilical cord called 'family', I was told to stick it out as my vows were sacred and offered to him - he made a mockery of our wedding vows. I was miserable, disabled, dealing with not only hardships of bills, no social life, trying to maintain some form of continuity for my daughter (not his child) in a new state. One car between us, a brand new house we bought soon after marriage....oh gosh, I could go on and on. Your story reminds me of much of my 5 years of marriage and I have to say I felt totally stuck in more ways than one.
I finally came to understand that if it is like this now and he was in complete denial of everything that he created for himself and for us in this unity - it was time for one of us to be stronger, braver and live a life of comfort, security and not having to babysit my adult husband during a marriage that I understood as two people working together to live a life together. We are divorced now. He is still drinking and still trolling other women while he lives with another drinker. It's not easy financially for my daughter and I - but we are so much happier and relieved with little pain, stress and fears that this man created for us both. 6 months of Alanon will help gain understanding and help by way of Alcoholism so I started going to meetings before we divorced, but 6 months of hell was not worth the health and integrity for my daughter and myself. I also said 'If I knew then what I know now, I never would have left my home town to a new state, uprooted my daughters and my life, moved only to find isolation, no support system and no friends to lean on. Lesson learned the hard way, but none-the-less - lesson learned what NOT to do and accept in the future - be it what it is and will be.
I wish you comfort in our rooms, our program and wish you strength, courage and self-preservation - your child and you deserve so much more. Good luck and hope to see you in our meetings and chat room. We care! :o)
Al-Anon Meetings on Schedule Current meeting times for Al-Anon Group. All Times Are Eastern. * Al-Anon (Mornings) Mon., Tues., Wed., Thur., Fri. 9:00AM (Nitely Meetings) Mon.-Sat. 9:00PM Sun. 7:00PM All times are Eastern Standard Time -1 hour for central time -2 hours for mountian time -3 hours for pacific time +17 hours for Sidney Australia
Room is open for general chat at all other times!
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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ... GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give.my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me
